Noelle's First Day

Well, today was the day I have been dreading since I found out I was pregnant over a year ago...Noelle's first day at daycare. From the second I knew I was going to have a baby, I began fretting over who was going to watch the baby while I was working. Staying at home is not only not an option for me, but it also really isn't my true preference at this point as I am just hitting my stride in the classroom. However, I knew then that I would love this child more than life itself, and finding a babysitter would be no small task.

I put it off until about January, and I started looking in the Indy area. The going rate was about $250 per week. For the month, it would be more than our mortgage payment. We had been pretty diligent in saving money for child care, but this type of cost would just about wipe us out...and all for someone else to take care of our baby. We put Noelle (at the time, Baby E) on the list at one daycare just down the road from us, and we stopped thinking about it for a while.

Noelle was born (yay!), and I immediately started stressing again over this childcare decision. Finally, in June, I decided to get my butt in gear and start exploring other daycare options. Something was tugging at my heart, telling me that the daycare we had signed her up for wasn't quite right. I took personal recommendations from my colleagues at school, and I was able to find some good options in Muncie. I was always so hesitant to bring Noelle to Muncie with me each day, but the pros far outweighed the cons in this situation. With her in Muncie, we would be saving about $400 a month, she would be 10 minutes away from me and even less away from my family as well as Luke's. If she ever got sick, I could leave immediately and get her. Plus, as Noelle gets older, she and I can use the time in the car to talk and sing together.

After much consideration, I decided on River of Life Church as the daycare provider for Noelle. I personally know the director and lead infant room teacher, so I felt good about signing her up.

And then came today. Where did my summer go? I seriously feel like I was just packing everything up at school, and now we are back already! Anyway, we gently woke our little angel up this morning at 5:30 and began the process of getting her ready for her first day. She was SO cute. She had squinty eyes and her hair was sticking straight up. Baby bed-head is sooooo cute. She was rubbing her eyes and smiling sweetly at us, clearly wondering why the heck we were waking her up so early. Luke fed her while I got ready, and then we loaded her up and I hit the road.

I could tell that Noelle was asleep by the time I got on I-69, and we made it to Muncie without any problems. I nervously took her to the baby room at River of Life and I handed her off to the teacher there. She was smiling and staring at the fun stuff hanging from the ceiling. She seemed to be trusting and didn't show any anxiety. I took this as my moment to leave, and I turned around and headed out. Of course I got choked up and my eyes filled with tears, but I refused to let myself get any more emotional than that. I knew that if I started, I wouldn't stop...and I didn't bring any make up to touch up with. :-)

I thought about Noelle allllll day. I wanted to go get her numerous times, but I knew that she was OK and in good hands. My parents went to visit her and said she was doing fine, so I got through the day and waited for my chance to go get her. I was so excited to go pick her up and hold her! She was finishing a bottle when I arrived and seemed to be OK. We safely made our way back home.

Today proved to me a couple of things. First off, motherhood has made me very strong. I have faced so many fears over the past year, and I have learned that I can get through anything with the right attitude. Second, Noelle is a very well-adjusted and happy baby. She trusts me, and when I am at ease, she knows that everything is going to be alright. She doesn't need me to be around all the time, and she can be flexible in a number of situations. She is such a wonderful little girl, and I can't wait to see how her personality develops.

Here's hoping tomorrow is just as smooth as today.

New Chapter

5 more days of Summer.

FIVE more days of Summer.

Where has the time gone?

One month ago, Luke changed his mind about going to Kentucky and decided to spend the month of July with us. We got our house project finished, replacing all of the siding on the house, painting the trim, and putting in a new patio door. 

Two months ago, I got that sweet taste of freedom, a.k.a. summer vacation as I stood in front of the buses and waved "buh bye" to 600 elementary kids with my fellow staff. 

Now it's all over (k, dramatic...) and a new chapter is beginning. This chapter is called, "How to be a working mom and not cry hysterically when you drop your kid off at day care." Catchy, right?

A few days ago, I went to Target (where else?) to get Noelle's "things" for day care. I had to get new diapers and wipes, Kleenx, a spare pacifier, etc. I got teary eyed in the diaper aisle because I realized this was the baby girl's first school supply list. 

Today, I dropped off those supplies and some additional paperwork to the day care. As I brought Noelle into the room where she would be spending 8 hours a day in for the next 9 months, I got choked up again. Her beautiful name was written in letters on the wall, on her cubby drawer, and on a name tag above the crib that would be hers. She wasn't phased by any of this, but I just couldn't help but feel sad. One of the girls working there was holding a little guy, maybe about 10-11 months old, rocking him because he was sad and missing his mommy & daddy. I just wanted to pick him up and hold him. I couldn't help thinking that this could be my little girl in a week...missing me, and me not being able to do anything about it. 

It's so bittersweet to be a working mom. Right now, it is not an option. I am a provider for my family. I am THE provider for my family. And to be honest, that sucks. I want to be taken care of. Never in my youngster fairy tale dreams did I fantasize about being the breadwinner on a teacher's salary. However, I know that this is a means to an end, and it won't be like this forever (this has become our motto in our house). I know that Luke is working so hard, and I know he feels bad that he doesn't bring in any income. I know that we are 10 months away from him graduating, which will be here before we know it. I know that in one week, I must put on pants that have a button and a zipper for the first time all summer, and I will be grateful because I have a job...a job that many, many people would want...and a job that provides for my family.

However, knowing that a side effect of this job is giving up my baby girl feels like getting punched in the stomach. I LOVE that baby girl. I know her better than anyone. I know her cries. I know what she needs. I know how to make her smile. I know that her toes rarely uncurl and her belly button is a half-innie, half-outie. I know how many hairs are on her head and that the one freckle on her whole body is on her right leg. I know how many rolls are on her chubby thighs and that she giggles when you sing her the theme song from "The Hills." I pray it isn't long before the people at the day care begin to know all the things that make her so special. 

I am worried she will become needy for attention. I am worried she will be scared and not know where I am. I am worried she will get sick. I am worried she will think I abandoned her. I am your typical first-time mom, about to trust other people with her child...and I am worried, but I know I made a good decision...and she will be OK.

I love my job. I am proud of what I do. I am proud of my degree and that I use it every day. Teaching makes me a better person for me and for my family. But I am most proud of that little nugget sleeping in her crib right now...and proud of who she already is and of who she will be in the days and years to come.

New chapter, you better be a good one.