As of tomorrow, not only will I "turn" 28 weeks pregnant, but it will have been a week since I last saw Luke. He has been in Canada on a fishing, camping, and canoeing trip with his dad, brothers, some family, and friends. He is due back here on Sunday, and I can't freaking wait until I see him. Really, tomorrow will be the last day that I won't be able to talk to him because at least while he is on the 20 hour drive back on Saturday, I should be able to chat with him on the phone. This makes me quite happy!

This is the longest amount of time that I have been away from him since having Noelle. This has been a really challenging week. All of the loneliness, silence, and just longing to have his company around aside, it has been a busy week where I would ordinarily really need his help, want his opinion, rely on his expertise, and cherish his support. It's amazing how you truly don't understand how much you need your spouse until they are not there (for any amount of time, really), and when you have a child, that need is multiplied by about 10,000.

Luke is a super wonderful dad, a supportive husband, and in general just a great, positive person to be around, so not having him here (both in person and on the phone) has been so tough. This week, I had several photo sessions, my glucose test at the doctor's office, a lot of school stuff to get done, and some housing stuff to take care of in Indy. Not to mention this was basically my last full week of summer break, so I really didn't want to spend it frantic and frazzled and lonely, but I did the best I could. I'm thankful for all the babysitting help and people who were there to keep me company this week.

However, through it all, even though I absolutely cannot stand when Luke is gone this long, I feel a sense of strength and accomplishment. I was able to swallow my fears of being alone, to handle responsibilities and duties that aren't normally mine, and to be strong for my daughter when even she quietly whispered in bed, "I miss Papa."

So, I find myself both wishing for Sunday to hurry up and get here and for the week to slow down (only because I will be starting school one week from tomorrow), but since sacrifice was the theme of the week, I'll go ahead and just hope for this week to end as quickly as possible.

Untitled (because I thought about it for 10 minutes and couldn't think of one)

Since mid-high school, Luke and I both have been on a set track. We have always had a plan, and we have always done what it takes to follow the plan. Luke has known that he wanted to be a physician as long as I have known him, which is well over 10 years. He knew he wanted to go to IU Bloomington, and he knew he wanted to go to IU Medical School. There was never any guess work...never any major decisions. He has not stopped and wondered for one second, "Where to next?"

My story is pretty similar. I wasn't sold on teaching until my senior year in high school, but after that, I knew it was Ball State for me, study elementary education, and convince Luke to want to marry me upon graduation.

Check. Check. And check.

We always knew this day would come, but surely it would be WAY far in the future, right? Surely we would be, like, close to 30 and old and not care about our lives anymore, right?

Well, we ARE close to 30 (me more so than him, due to my 9 month age "advantage"), and this day that seemed so far in the distance is now looming over us, just asking for a punch in the face. Not sure what I am talking about?

Decision Day for the Residency Match. Wednesday. As in the day after tomorrow. My chest tightened as I reread that last line, and not because it is a grammatical mess.

I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought that Muncie would even be an option for us, let alone an option we would consider choosing. I always thought it would be Indy for us, 100%...that our license plates would read NDORBUST (not really...that would be STUPID).

We l-o-v-e LOVE it here. I am sure I love this city way more than Luke, or way more than what is healthy. I love the shopping. I love the restaurants. I love the parks. I love the events. I love the scenery. I love the buzz of a big city. I love knowing that I have only begun to understand all that the city has to offer us as a family, and I am not ready to leave. I love our home and the memories we have here.

I have reached a point where I am so tired of being on this roller coaster ride...this "Guess what? I love ______________________ program and we are going _______________ for residency," and then hearing the polar opposite the next day. I finally get myself to come to terms with the choice he has made, and then he changes it on me again.

I know that I don't deserve the sympathy in this situation, but we have been in a complete state of anxiety and unsettlement for several months, and it is really taking its toll on me as a person as well as our relationship.

By Wednesday, Luke has to make the decision, and I have told him more than once to just make the choice and tell me which one he chooses...not because I don't care, but because I have reached that level of exasperation. I just want Luke to be happy so that our family can ultimately be happy.

SO-- who knows what state of mind I will be in on Wednesday, but I can only hope for relief and an end to all of the anxiety.

That's a long time...

Ten years ago tomorrow, Luke and I began "dating."

"Dating," at that time, consisted of me calling him my boyfriend as he played basketball and I cheered in my uniform on the sidelines. Every now and then, when it was a real special occasion and he got paid for cleaning his dad's office, we would get to go to Applebee's. 95% of our conversations took place on Instant Messenger. We held hands in the halls at school.

Over time, dates included movies, trips to King's Island, dinners with friends, walks around IU's campus, plays, sports events, romantic restaurants, days of shopping, apple orchards and pumpkin patches, and getting ice cream.

Who knew then that we would grow up to get married and have a baby together? I have been trying to pinpoint the time when I knew I wanted to marry Luke. I am not sure if there is a moment in time or more of a feeling of "I cannot and will not live without you" that evolved within me...but either way, I knew I needed to be Ashley Ernstberger.

I began dreaming of getting engaged my freshman year of college. What, 19 isn't old enough to get engaged? ;-) I thought I was a lot older than I was...didn't we all?! Praise Jesus...Luke did not propose to me then. In hindsight, we were still pretty young when we did get engaged at the end of our junior year...but we had a plan...we were on a path...we knew where we were going and we were going to do it together.

So tomorrow...on New Year's Eve 2010...I will smile as I think about what I was doing 10 years ago...when my 16 year old self decided to give this Luke Ernstberger kid a chance.