A reflection

It's my last day of school. My room is quiet. My students have already spent a whole day doing whatever they want, and I have been working in my classroom, doing my best to clean and organize before I take a couple weeks off. Yes, I said a couple weeks, not 10 weeks, because I as well as nearly every other teacher I know continue to work throughout the summer. Just had to get that in there for all the doubters in the world.

Anyway-- I'm feeling reflective today. Almost emotional. I can blame the hormones, but really I think it's because I am filled with regret. When a school year comes to a close, you take a minute to stop and think about what you accomplished and what you didn't. I tend to focus on what I didn't accomplish-- what I set out to do, but didn't. What I hoped to achieve, but didn't. What I imagined myself doing, but didn't. This isn't the best way to think, but it is also where the biggest changes are made. Self-reflection is quite important in all areas of life, but in teaching, it is crucial. Teachers who no longer self-reflect are the teachers who are giving everyone else a bad name. Teachers who go on doing what they always have been doing just because it's easier, not because it's good for the kids. I have always been quite reflective and have never really been afraid of change. In fact, teaching is the one area of my life where I enjoy and embrace change. I love fresh, new ideas and strive to be the teacher that I would want for my very own children. 

All that said, I now know that I have a lot of work to do this summer on my own mental perspective. I spent the largest part of my school year counting down the minutes, hours, and days until it was over. I dealt with "mommy guilt" so much that I missed out on opportunities to grow and challenge myself as a teacher. I spent the better part of 9 months complaining to anyone who would listen about how tough my job is. My job is tough, and I know it is...but that should be good enough. I shouldn't have to paint a billboard that reads I WORK HARD. My hard work should speak for itself. 

Though I consider myself a good teacher with new ideas and a fresh perspective, I also consider myself to be a really great pity party thrower. This needs to stop. My dad congratulated me on finishing my 5th year of teaching and told me a rough estimate of how much money I've "made" since college. I quickly laughed and said that I have nothing to show for that. What a foolish statement that was. Aside from the material possessions I have accrued, such as buying a home, buying a car, buying a new camera, getting Noelle anything she could ever want, going to nice restaurants, having meals and clothes, putting gas in the vehicles, taking trips, and purchasing other luxuries that many people would really want, I also have achieved and experienced so much in my 5 years since college. A wedding, pregnancies, watching Luke graduate medical school, great memories with friends...the list goes on. When I look at it all in black and white, I feel quite rich, and quite stupid for making that comment.

Next year, I give myself permission to ENJOY my job and not to feel bad about being a working mother. I don't know how long I will be a working mother. I don't know how many years of teaching I have in me. I don't have a crystal ball and cannot predict the future. I don't want to pay for two in daycare. I don't want to be away from my babies. But this is a choice I am making-- yes, a choice. I could stay at home. In fact, I am only one of two wives in the entire residency who work outside the home. I could make it work on Luke's salary. We made it work on mine for 4 years. However, I am choosing to work because of the fact that I am  good at what I do, I enjoy the adult interaction, and I enjoy (when I let myself) teaching children. Of course I love being with Noelle, and of course I am dreading leaving my new one, but I know that my relationship with Noelle hasn't suffered because of me working. I know that she loves me and she knows that I love her. I know that as a mother, I have a really great career-- there are 365 days in a year and I work 185 outside the home. Not a lot of other jobs allow you to work half the year. This is a blessing, and why I have been overlooking it for so long is beyond me. 

I have been afraid of enjoying working outside the home because it feels like I should just be at home. It feels like I am making the wrong decision by being away from her and allowing "someone else to raise my child." It used to be that stay at home moms were judged because people didn't think they did anything all day except watch soap operas and do laundry (which of course I know that isn't true!), but now I feel like it's the working moms who face criticism because we're not home with our children and breastfeeding all day and blah blah blah. Why can't we as women just support each other? Why can't women who stay at home and women who work outside the home just recognize that we are all humans who contribute to society in our own ways, and we should be valued and respected because of that?? I'm guilty of it all, too...I'm talking to myself...but it's got to change.

I was searching the Internet for some classroom ideas just 20 minutes before starting this entry, and I came across a cute blog that got me all excited for teaching again in the fall. I  then saw the picture and the bio and realized it was a girl who I had known in college and am still Facebook friends with today. She is married and has a little girl, but she still had time to create a cute blog with all kinds of great ideas and sound really excited about her life and her career and her decision to teach despite having a little one at home. I was suddenly inspired by her to be that way-- to embrace everything and realize that I could be like that, too. I could still be head over heels in love with my children and husband, but I could also be a damn good teacher and it's OK to be both. It doesn't have to be either/or. 

So, I have a challenging road ahead of me. I know that my mindset will not change over night...but I know that with positive thinking and positive steps in the right direction, I can turn this around and look forward to a school year full of new ideas, new successes, and a new baby. :-) 

Suck it up, Ashley.

Do you ever just get so sick of yourself that you wish you could just step outside of your body and go be someone else for a while? If so, then you and I should talk.

This start of the school year has NOT been easy, and each day I say to myself that I should just be thankful to have a teaching job and I should embrace the challenges and not obsess over them. Usually by 9:00, my attitude is turned completely upside down, and I am riddled with "Why I am doing this?" "When will this get better?" "I'm just going to leave and pick Noelle up and stay home the rest of the day." Is it really the school year that's getting me or is it, well, me that's getting me?

I have such a problem with expectations. I expect too much out of people, things, events, holidays, meals, etc, etc, etc. If things don't go the way I have choreographed them in my head, I tend to literally WIG out and become completely handicapped for an obscene amount of time. I am getting to the point where I am just trying to accept that this is who I am, and I am no longer trying to change myself, but I am trying to give myself a way to express my disappointment without letting it ruin my whole day, week, month, or year.

I had SUCH high hopes for school this year. I worked in my room religiously during the summer. I have done research, made plans, thought ahead, and after 4 solid years of teaching, I have a pretty good idea of what has been working in my room and what needs to change. I was ready to face this year head on and I declared that it would be the BEST year EVER!

In steps the State of Indiana and the Department of Education. In steps Tony Bennett, not the singer, but quite possibly the biggest douche bag on God's green earth (i.e. State Superintendent) to just ruin all my plans for a good year. (see this extreme disappointment I get?) Merit pay, no seniority, score-based pressure, mandated subject area schedule, and tons and tons and tons of hoops to jump through that require hours upon hours upon hours of work outside the normal school day...I could go on...

However, as I left for the 3 day weekend, I told myself that I would not walk back in those doors on Tuesday with the same shitty attitude I have had for 3 weeks. I have sulked and complained and rolled my eyes and faked a smile and shuffled into school with the same enthusiasm as my kids (which is not a lot)...and it's not working for me. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. My mom has always said this. It annoys me, but it's true. And that's why it annoys me.

It's so much easier to just sit and be pissed and bitch to anyone who has at least one ear, but it never works out well for you in the end. If I put in the effort to be POSITIVE and happy with the way things are, I might be working harder on the front end, but I feel it will pay dividends in the long run.

So, in essence, I'm done with myself. I'm buying a new version of me this weekend and can't wait to test her out Tuesday.

Greetings from Muncie & the at-home Internet.

Yes, I made it two, long, agonizing weeks without TV or home internet. As of about 11:00 a.m. on Saturday, we were in business and I was a happy camper.

You may be wondering what I have been doing lately. You may not be. Either way, I'm going to tell you.

We have been really trying to get the house put together. I care about it a little more than Luke. In fact, I am straight bothered by things not being put together at this point. We still don't have a kitchen table for the eat-in area. We still haven't touched the sunroom, which desperately needs a paint job as well as a new rug and maybe, oh, some furniture. The dining room just has a table in it. Nothing is hung on the walls. Don't ask about the office. So basically, I'm not too happy with the status of the house right now. Luke has been very busy at the hospital, forcing him to work long hours and then be exhausted when he comes home. He doesn't want to do much on the GET DONE OR ELSE list at the end of the day. I can't say I blame him, but I also don't know how it will ever get done if we don't just gut through it.

I have started school. I will cautiously say, "So far, so good." I feel like a seasoned vet already. It's amazing the difference between my first, first day and my fifth. The kids don't scare me, the parents (rarely) intimidate me, and I feel like I have a good grip on my classroom management, routines, etc. I'm quite pleased with the start of the year. Let's home this optimism continues and that I am still feeling good next month or even next week.

Noelle turned 17 months old last week. It's so hard to believe, and I am so tired of saying that it's so hard to believe! I wish I could keep track of how many words she is saying now. It is truly mystifying. The child hears a word once and then knows it for good. I believe it is true that a child's brain is more susceptible to learning before the age of 3. To say she is a sponge is an understatement. She copies everything we say and do...good and bad. We love her more and more each day, and every time I look at her, I get more excited for the future with her. I'm not wishing this sweet age away, but she truly gets more fun as she gets older. I can't wait until she starts putting words together into sentences and telling funny stories.

Anyway-- I don't know what else to share. I hope to get back into the groove of blogging about actual subject matter, rather than just giving a lame update about what I have been doing lately. I just wish I could print a T-shirt that says, "I'm not normally like this. I just moved, started school, and am trying to please everyone in the world."

I hope the real me returns soon.

Reflections of the 4th Year

As my 4th year of teaching comes to a close (in just 3 short school days), I find myself with mixed emotions. This always happens at the end of a school year. The wear and tear of 180 days begins to show on my face, on my body, in my disposition, and I am ready for the sweet freedom of Summer. However, a tinge of guilt usually strikes in the final days, where I start to think...these kids weren't really that bad...we have come a long way since August...they are really a sweet group...I will miss them.

As I was grading reading letters each student wrote to me after they were instructed to discuss their growth as readers throughout the year, I found myself smiling a lot as many children offered up compliments to me that they were not instructed to write. They wrote things like, "Thank you for teaching me so much." "Thank you for being a great teacher." "I had the best year ever." "I will miss you."

In that moment, I felt overwhelmed with joy and satisfaction. I was reminded why I wanted to be a teacher...not to get end of the year gifts or compliments...but because these kids really felt like I taught them something, and that's all I ever wanted to do in the first place.

Victory.

Baby steps

I realize I have been really down on my entries lately, and really the only explanation I have for that is I have been really down in my real life, too. The stress of all that's been going on has really taken a toll, and each day seems to be a struggle to keep it all in perspective and put one foot in front of the other. Nonetheless, I do it...not only because I have to but because I want to, for Noelle, and Luke, and myself. I know, because life experience tells me it's true, that everything is going to be fine...but it is just so hard to remind myself of that constantly-- 24 hours a day.

Anyway, there have been plenty of good things going on, all of which are helping the cause. First and foremost, Noelle is WALKING! She walks everywhere now, and only resorts to crawling in situations where she wants to get somewhere fast. She is so good at the walking and looks like such a big kid when she does it. 

She also is talking a lot more. She is beginning to say recognizable words, and I can tell she is learning their meanings. Luke taught her "light," and when you ask her where the light is, she looks up every time. I haven't had the heart to tell her that not all ceilings, skies, or vehicles have lights directly overhead, and sometimes lights can be on tables or walls, but we will save that for another day! 

She also says "book," well, all but the K part. When you ask her to get a book, she will walk to her room and start pulling all of her books off the shelves. She also understands dog and cat, and last night we could have sworn she said "Bella" (more like Bewwa) as we were reading her a book with a cat named Bella in it. 

She hugs her stuffed animals with intention now, and she is the sweetest little girl on the planet (but we already knew that)!

Another step in the positive direction is that I did not get a RIF notice on Friday when our superintendent handed out letters. No one at our school did, thankfully. There were 3 elementary teachers who received the letters, however, and I am sad for them. However, it is every man for himself right now, and I have to count my blessings that for next year, I still have a job.

Now, if only ONE person would want to see our house...

Deep breaths

I have had a rough start to the school year. My kids are trying and testing me the way they did when I was a first year teacher. I am stressed, strung out, and not enjoying really any aspect of my life right now...that is except for Noelle, of course! The highlight of my day is picking her up and taking her home. Of course I could do without the hour drive in between, but I have learned to tell myself, "Suck it up and do it" over and over again until I go numb.

I am praying that I get my life together soon. I am disorganized, discombobulated, disconnected...I just want to do my job and do it well, and then come home and be with my family. Is that too much to ask?

In other news, I am taking pictures of babies/kids/families every weekend (Saturday, Sunday, or sometimes both) in September and October (aside from our Nashville mini-vacation). I am excited about this, but this makes me even busier! Oh well...it's good stuff.

Here's Noelle's latest teddy bear picture to cheer you up. Oh, you didn't need cheering up? Oops. I meant....cheer me up. Sigh.

Happy Friday

Because I am a teacher striving for excellence and trying to avoid doing the same ol' thing over and over again...I decided to do an Egg Drop Experiment with my kids. Two weeks ago, they were given an assignment to go home and design a contraption that will protect an egg from breaking when it is dropped on concrete. This was to practice the scientific method and all that good stuff.

Today was drop day, so I needed eggs. Last night was Open House, and I wasn't home until 9:30. I didn't want to go to the store at that time, so I decided to get them this morning. I dropped Miss Noelle off at daycare at around 7:05, so I had plenty of time to get the eggs.

In case you were wondering if gas stations (namely, the VP at Morrison and McGalliard in Muncie) sold eggs...that would be a big, fat NO! I saw Totino's pizzas and milk and of course every kind of chip and candy every produced, but no eggs. I then said to myself..."What the hell...get a donut." So I did.

I then went to Marsh or Lo Bill or whatever it is called these days. Indy ones are open 24 hours. This was was open at 8. It was 7:15. So...the decision was made. I had to brave...the Wal-Mart.

I hauled ass to the bag where the eggs were, grabbed 2 dozen, and then I hoofed it back up to the front. OF COURSE only one lane would be open with 10 people standing in line. After frantically looking for another cashier to open, I saw a light on at the other end of the store. I booked it over there and found it to be a 10 Items or Less lane. YES!

Well...it was there that I found a lady with her cart FULL of items...like...100 items...complete with potatoes and coke on the bottom of her cart. She was taking her sweet time and apparently not reading the sign on the aisle she was standing in. "10 ITEMS OR LESS!" NOT "OH, YOU HAVE MORE THAN 10? GO AHEAD. 100 IS CLOSE TO 10 ANYWAY!"

I  then started thinking all kinds of mean, inappropriate thoughts to myself...such as..."I have a JOB to go to, what about you?" and "Can you not READ?" and "Take your sweet time, Princess." Oh, I was so mad. If I had had cash, I would have thrown it at the register and taken my eggs shouting, "Keep the change!"

Finally, she finished...and her total was $192 if that tells you anything about how full her cart was. She even had to buy a box of ever-so-classy Wally World perfume that was locked in a plastic box that had to have a special little tool to open. Gah. The horror!

When she finished, a young man ahead of me put his stuff up on the counter. Two packages of Hanes boxer briefs in...wait for it...camo print. Mmmmmm. Remind me to get some for Luke soon.

I finally paid for my eggs and ran for the door. I made it to school right at 7:40, which is the time I have to be there. The egg drop was successful and fun. The kids had a great time checking their contraptions to see if they passed each level of challenges. We dropped them first from shoulder height, then chair height, then 6 foot ladder height, then top of the bleachers height. I had a kid bring in a Rubbermaid container of OATMEAL and put his egg in it. The egg didn't break, so I guess the idea was a success. I also had a girl bring a baggie of water and put her egg in it. She wasn't so lucky. She ended up with a wet mess and a broken egg. Oh well...good times!

It's official...

...I am on Summer Break! This is usually the time of year when I hear a lot of complaining from people I know who are not teachers, saying it isn't fair or they wish they could be a teacher to get a summer break. Hmmm. Last I heard, Ball State was still accepting people into the teaching program! 'Til then, I am going to enjoy my much anticipated break from grading papers, planning projects and lessons, driving 2 hours a day, quieting children, meeting deadlines, copying papers, entering grades, picking up my classroom after 19 kids, and the list goes on! In all reality, I am planning on going to school Monday to continue to prep for next year. So...my job is never done!

I AM looking forward to spending all day with my baby girl. I can't wait to read outside and catch some sun. I love that I can be in my PJs all day if I want. It is a great feeling.

To celebrate the end of my year, Luke took me to Bonefish Grill last night. I have always wanted to go there. It is a nice little seafood place. I had shrimp and they were delish! I also celebrated with my teacher friends after school with a little mango margarita action at Puerta Vallarta. Gotta love it!

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

And no, I am not talking about Christmas.

And that means a LOT, coming from me...lover of all things Christmas.

In fact, I start counting down until Christmas in September. Sometimes earlier.

But no, I am not talking about Christmas.

I am talking about that sweet little perk-o-my-job called SUMMER BREAK!

One week separates me from staying up late, doing what I want, wearing sweats all day, sitting outside, and of course hanging with my baby girl all day long. The thought that some teachers I know are already out of school makes me want to upchuck my lunch, but I know that I am lucky to even have a break at all. I know other professions aren't as lucky. I honestly don't know what I would do if I had to work during the summer. Yick.

I think the teachers are just as ready as the kids for summer. Scratch that. I think the teachers are 100 times MORE ready than the kids for summer. My students have summer-itis like whoa and I can't get them snapped out of it enough to care about stratus clouds or the Indiana General Assembly or 2 digit divisor division. Nope. I just can't.

But does that keep me from trying? No.

Does it keep me from banging my head against my desk as I grade a paper that says that the country we live in is Indiana, the county we live in is Knox, and the continent we live on is USA? Also nope.

I found out today that a parent was talking about me behind my back. This makes me sad. This makes me angry that I leave my baby every morning at 6:30 a.m. and don't see her until near 5:00 p.m. to try and do good things in my classroom...only to find out that I am still not "good enough" or doing things "well enough" for this parent.

Sigh.

One week. One week. One week. Then a fresh start for next year. If there's one thing I know for sure, any subsequent children that I will be vivifying in the future will be born during the month of May or June so that I can safely take the rest of the year off and not worry about having to come back to clean up the mess of a maternity leave.

I thought I was making a wise choice...coming back and all. I don't want to walk away next week and regret it. I don't think I will. I just have to hold my head up high and know that I honestly and truly put 110% into my job and this actually is not just a "job" to me...otherwise I would not have come back this year. This is a career I have chosen. A career that I care a lot about. And a career that I will be happy to take a little break from come June 4th at 3:10 p.m.

One week. One week. One week.

A cornucopia, if you will...

Long time, no bliggity blog. I have been a busy lady here as of late! I am officially a working mama. Yes, I know...all moms are "working moms" (I know this more than ever after being home alone with my little nugget for 8 weeks), but I am a for real working mom because I am getting up at 5 a.m. and getting paid for it (insert angelic music from the heavens here). I haven't had time to blog daily about Noelle's poop or my 30 Day Shred endeavor...so let me present to you the cornucopia of postings, also known as the "what the heck have I been doing with my life?" post.

Commence.

Sunday was my first Mother's Day! It rocked! I got to enjoy a beautiful day with my beautiful daughter (I still pinch myself when I say that). I was handed a warm, swaddled bundle of joy Sunday morning with a little ribbon tied around her wrist. Tied to the ribbon was a beautiful aquamarine ring with champagne diamonds on the sides, set in white gold. No, it's not the $1200 Le'Vian I was drooling over, but it is beautiful and perfect and very unexpected.

We enjoyed a wonderful day of church and a lunch with Abe & E. I tried to make the day as long as possible. I was dreading the next day...my first day back to school. I cried a lot that night and felt totally guilty as I was preparing her bottles for the next day. It was really hard to put her to bed that night, knowing that I wouldn't be spending any more quality time with her the next day.

However, I was pleasantly proud of myself when I managed not to cry the next morning. She was in a great mood and was very calm. She was asleep by the time I left, and knowing that my dad was going to be watching her and loving on her helped. I wrote out detailed instructions and called home to check in, but she did great.

At school, my colleagues and students were very happy to see me. I got a lot of hugs and even some flowers on my desk from the staff. I have now been back for two days, and I am finally starting to get my room back the way I want it and sort through all of the projects/assignments the kids are in the middle of. I have to say that it is hard to come back after being gone 8 weeks. I feel like I don't know what I am doing and am all disoriented. However, only 16 more school days and then I will have a fresh start next year. All in all, I am happy I chose to return, and I have had a lot of fun reconnecting with my kids.

I am looking to my left, and I have a sleeping nugget beside me in the crack of the couch cushion. She is two months old today. How is this possible? I don't understand! She is growing so quickly and changing so much. She pays attention to things and responds to our voices. She smiles and is starting to coo. Oh yeah, she slept 7 1/2 hours last night! Straight! No waking up! I checked her two times to see if she was breathing. It was great to be able to sleep through the night. I hope she keeps this up!

Let's see...what else can I throw into this treat bag of a blog post? Oh yes, the Shred. I haven't done it since Friday because I have been insanely busy. Really. And I don't want to spend a lot of my Noelle time on working on. However, I did Zumba yesterday and I ran 2.8 miles today on the treadmill. As of this morning, I am 4 lbs. lighter than I was 12 days ago. I am going in the right direction, and I at least have one pair of pants I can wear to school. Hopefully the kids don't slice and dice me at lunch when they realize I am wearing the same pants all 5 days a week.

Well, like all other working moms, I am counting down the days to the weekend and just truckin' along. I am adjusting to this new lifestyle and very happy that it has been a smooth transition so far.

That's all I've got for now.

A request

Just a little request for prayer. With the birth of my sweet little girl, Noelle, I feel the weight of the responsibility of caring for her financially now more than ever. I am the bread-winner in my family, like it or not, for at least one more year before Luke begins his residency and therefore brings home a paycheck. With all of the horrendous budget cuts that schools are having to make (Mitch Daniels = not my favorite person), my corporation will have to RIF (reduction in force) 7 elementary teachers. I am not sure where I fall...I think I am above this line with my years of experience....but I am not sure. It is possible that I could be let go due to the budget cuts, and this thought terrifies me. I lose sleep over it. My stomach hurts over it. I look at my precious Noelle's face and realize the gravity of the situation...she is depending on me to provide for her, and I want to be able to do that.

I am not only asking for prayer for myself-- that I will survive whatever happens with the RIF situation and be able to find a new beginning at another school if that is what I have to do, but I also ask for prayer for the other teachers across the state who are being RIF'd and left with a pretty desperate situation as it comes to finding a new job.

These really are sad economic times, and it seems like the focus is all on healthcare right now, but our education system is quickly going down the shitter, too.

Here's to being optimistic...

Made it to March!

I can't believe it is March already! I can't believe it has been 37 weeks that I have been pregnant, which means I am down to my final 3 weeks. I am stunned that I am going to be a mom in 3 weeks or less, and I am overwhelmed with so many thoughts and feelings.

I am so physically uncomfortable that I am just itching to get this baby out, but I know that the implications of having this baby too early will complicate "the plan." If I make it to Spring Break, I don't have to count Spring Break in my maternity leave and basically I will get an extra week. This will put me back at school toward the end of May. If God decides that this baby needs to come this week, I will be back by mid April. I am not ready to do that, and it is not what I wish to do. I pray that I can just suck it up and be strong for 3 more measly weeks so that I can have this baby in perfect time. I know that I can't plan it or choreograph it, but I know that I can hopeful that things will work out the way they are supposed to.

My students start ISTEP tomorrow. I am so nervous, I could barf. I have been teaching my face off since Christmas (well, before then, too...but the pressure has been high since returning from break), and unfortunately with missing 2 weeks of school in February, it really put us behind. It is so unfair the weight they put on these tests....making us feel like we have failed if our students don't all pass...making the kids feel dumb and like losers if they don't pass. It really is a downfall of our education system. I am all for accountability, but seriously you should see some of the stuff they are required to do. It's a nightmare!

Well, I'm off my teaching soap box for now. There's plenty else to be happy and positive about, so I guess I will focus on that. Hope everyone's having a great day!

Flu Season Strikes Room 118!

Just wanted to report that yesterday, I had 9 students absent out of my 19 kids, and today I had 8 students absent. Crazy! This flu business is serious, apparently! I totally sanitized my classroom yesterday (the best I could), and I am trying my hardest not to catch what they are passing around. It is just so hard to stay healthy around germy kids!

My fall break is on Friday after my parent-teacher conferences on Thursday. I am pumped! I need a day off like nobody's business! I am also excited because I have a doctor's appointment on Friday. My ultrasound won't be until Tuesday, though. I can't WAIT!

I did this pregnancy exercise DVD tonight. It was REALLY hard. I thought it would be easy because it was for pregnant women with big bellies, but it made me sweat. We'll see how often I break that bad boy out and do it. At least for tonight, I feel accomplished.

Aimless

My mind is wandering to who knows where tonight, and I just felt the need to put pen to paper...or I guess fingers to keys. As I stare at my husband across from me, laughing as he listens to his headphones because he has old Seinfeld episodes playing in his ears, I find myself wishing I could be him...able to let go of the day's stress and laugh. I am capable of being like that....but this past week has taken a toll.

School is challenging these days. I have so many students with special needs and IEPs that I feel I simply cannot reach all of them and please their parents while abiding the state law that I have to make a whole list of accommodations for each of them...and manage to teach the rest of my students with enthusiasm and energy. I hate complaining about my job...no, honestly I do. So many people want to be teachers right now, and I am so blessed to have a job...and not just any teaching job...a teaching job where I truly love where I work.

The stress is getting to me, and sadly I find myself at the end of the day realizing that I haven't thought about my own baby all day...and that I had put all my energy into everyone else. That said, I know that the next 6 1/2 months will fly by.

I want to be all things to all people, and I think my mom would be the first person to say that you simply can't do that. However, I am a teacher, a teachers naturally want to please everyone and be liked and favored by coworkers, parents, and students.

I have been racking my brain, trying to think of new ideas, strategies, lessons, etc...and I am exhausted. There's no time! I feel like Jesse Spano on Saved By the Bell. "There's no time! There's never any time! I'm so excited! I'm so excited...I'm so...scared!" Oh, that makes me laugh just reading that. If you don't know what the heck I am talking about, Google it.

Speaking of Google, I promised the teachers at lunch that I would Google what is in tapioca pudding. We had quite the debate, trying to decide if it really does have fish eyes in it. My Google results say it is simply a root-like starch that is edible. Sounds as gross as fish eyes to me.

This post had no point. Sorry if it wasted your time. Maybe it didn't waste your time. Maybe you are in the same "Blah blah blah I'm worried I am going to suck at everything" boat as me. If so, let's go sailing!

Back to School!

School is back in full force these days, as I went back to the working world on Monday. We had corporation meetings on Monday and Tuesday, and then the kiddos came on Wednesday! I have 19 fresh-faced students, and I must say that 19 is a HEAVENLY number! I had 25 last year, and with the 2nd grade classrooms bursting with 27 and 28 kids each, I am rejoicing (quietly, mind you, so as not to brag in front of the other teachers ready to pull their hair out!).

I spent the first three days doing what I should have done my first two years during the first three days (did you follow that...?). I got to know the kids, I didn't start out with super fun awesome activities (I know you're thinking...why?). I didn't crack a text book. I took my time assessing the kids' prior 3rd grade knowledge, preliminarily placing them in groups according to their skill levels, and I taught them all kinds of procedures. My method to my madness is that if I start out tame and reserved, but still warm and friendly, the kids will be eager to see what is next, and they will respect me more than if I started out as their best friend. No one likes it when their best friend has to reprimand them, and that is what inevitably happens. The kids feel betrayed by my sudden authority after they think I am all about fun and games. No more rookie mistakes for this 3rd year veteran!

Nah...actually I am FAR from a vet. I just have more experience under my belt which gives me a slightly elevated boost of confidence. I have redone my room and my thinking for this year, and I look forward to sharing my new revelations with you along the way.

My new and improved reading area

Anyway -- another friend has joined the marriage club! We went to our high school friend's (Cody Lee) wedding on Saturday in Muncie. He married his long-time girlfriend, Ashli. We had a lot of fun (scratch that, a TON of fun) catching up with some old friends and watching another beautiful couple tie the knot! Marriage is a wonderful thing! (most of the time)

Well...Luke said he wanted some Cold Stone, so I am not going to delay. This is a rare occasion for HIM to ask for ice cream! Better capitalize!

End of Year #2!

I can hardly believe it,  but my 2nd year of teaching has officially come to an end (a whole week later than originally planned, thanks to Mother Nature's gift of snow days...but hey, I really appreciated the break in January)! It is amazing to me how quickly time can fly in a school year. If you are a teacher and anything like me, you start out the year with such big ideas and high expectations, and then you get to September and realize that you are in over your head and you are just going to put the floaties on and see how long you can just bob along. Then, about November, you are really strung out and tired, and you just need a break. Christmas comes, and then you feel rejuvenated and ready to attack the 2nd half of the year with a new attitude. By the beginning of February, you are counting down until Spring Break, and once Spring Break hits, the year might as well be over, right? ;-) This train of thought is not exactly positive or professional, but it is a reality nonetheless.

My first year, I was just trying not to drown. I was trying to just make my kids like me and keep my job for the next year. The second year, I was consumed by my 2nd year teaching portfolio. I just wanted to get that sucker done, and THEN I could focus on teaching. We tested twice for ISTEP this year, and we really were bogged down by testing, reviewing, convos, snow days, etc. Somehow, the year ended, and I still have a list of things that I wanted to do.

Now what? Now, I think about next year! However, I don't want to get too far ahead of myself. I want to read books about teaching...I want to know what the experts say...and then I want to make a plan. Until then, I am going to smile as I think about the final days of school with my kids...we really had a great time, and I am always happy to end on a high note. Even though it rained on our last day, which happens to be field day, and even though we had to have 600 stinky kids in a steaming hot gym on the last day of school, it all worked out and we had fun!

Here's to another year behind me and another year ahead!

At the Airport!

Here I sit at the new Indianapolis Airport waiting for my flight to board to Atlanta! I am really excited (mildly nervous). One thing I love about airports is the gift shop! I just bought a book and Combos and bottled water. 

Today, I finished my 2nd year of school! I was actually pretty sad as I hugged each student goodbye today. You go through such an emotional roller coaster with your class when you are a teacher...especially an elementary teacher. You have a very strong love/hate relationship with each of your students. It was a neat moment for me today because I actually got to hug several of my former students who were "graduating" 5th grade today. It made me feel special that they sought me out and wanted to say "goodbye" to me. It's a big deal to be a 5th grader moving on to the middle school. I remember that time very vividly for me. We sang "Somewhere Out There" from Fival Goes West, and I remember bawling my eyes out, worried that I would never, ever see my friends again. Those same people ended up becoming friends that I still have today, but I didn't know the difference when I was 11. I guess I have never liked goodbyes!

I am looking forward to so much with regards to this vacation. I don't want to get ahead of myself, as I know that I will no doubt have too high expectations which will be physically impossible to live up to, so I just want to be calm and relaxed and ready for anything.

I can't wait to escape this 50 degree, rainy weather! Bring on the sun!

Lots Going On

Well, as I sit here on the eve of not only my last day of school but also the start of our Kiawah Island vacation, I feel overwhelmed, slightly frazzled, but really excited. I really don't like preparing for long trips. I always feel like I am forgetting something. Add to that the task of getting my room cleaned up and prepared for summer at school, and I am just an organizational disaster right now! However, my bags are packed for Kiawah, and Luke will be taking them with him as he hits the road in about an hour with Abe, E, and his Aunt Marcia. They will be driving through the night (pray for safe travels and ALERT drivers!), and I will be flying down by myself (ahhhhhh) tomorrow evening after school. I am always nervous before flights, but I am just trying not to think about it right now. I don't know which scares me more...flying, or the 90 minute layover in Atlanta by myself...either way, I am relying on faith and probably some good candy to get me through.

Since my last post, we watched CeCe cross the stage and receive her high school diploma from Wes-Del. It was surreal to be in that gym 6 years after our own graduation, and I really got thinking that it would be the last time we would be there for a good long while. No basketball games to watch, no more graduations or dances...it might be the end of an era. It was a great weekend, no less. Lots of family time, and of course time with our awesome nephews, Gus and Sol. They get bigger and cuter by the day, and we really are so blessed to have them enriching our lives. 

Luke and I successfully (if you can call it that) completed Level 3 of the 30 Day Shred with Jillian. HOLY COW it was ridiculous! If anyone out there is looking for a legitimate 20 minute workout that really gives results, it is the 30 Day Shred. We haven't done it for 30 consecutive days, but we have probably done it at least 4 times a week on average for a few weeks, and I can really see and feel a difference. It feels good to be back in shape, and I might even feel slightly LESS uncomfortable in my swimsuit on the beach! I have to keep at it and keep the long range goal in mind...to be healthy and fit so that I can be really healthy for the duration of my life, especially while I anticipate having children!

On that note, I am really looking forward to that day...I hope and pray that God's plan for us is for us to be parents. We are trying to listen and wait and be patient and ready...but until then, we are living for NOW! :-) 

Hello from School...(shame on me)

It is 9:30 and I am on my prep. I had no idea I could access my blog from school. This is probably a good thing. Lord knows the time I could have wasted at school had I known this a few months ago.

Anyway, Luke has successfully (we hope) completed Step 1 of the Med School Board Exams. I know there is a more technical, special term for the test he took, but all I can call it is "boards" (or...test of hell...or...marriage strainer...or....well, you get the point). Regardless, it is OVER and I am so happy for him that he can sleep peacefully and waste time with me blissfully without worrying so much. Countless dinners were consumed while he had one eye on the clock, allowing himself only a few minutes of non-study time. Many, many nights, I went to bed a good 3 hours earlier than he did while he had our clip on bed lamp BLAZING bright light onto my eyelids as was studying things I could only HOPE to pronounce and never understand. Friday and Saturday nights have not been exciting as he had to devote countless, and I mean countless hours to studying...meanwhile, the rest of the population of young twenty-something newlyweds were out seeing and being seen.

These are sacrifices, and I am just so proud of my beautiful husband for being so committed to not only what he has chosen as his profession, but also to making me believe that we will get through this and that our marriage and our family will always be his number one priority. I have been able to give up the luxuries of having Luke joined to my hip because, despite it all, he has still treated me as the wife he adores. This is truly all that matters.

I would like to thank myself for catapulting Luke into board test-taking greatness. I bought him a hearty stash of junk food...complete with Slim Jims, Rice Krispie Treats, crackers, ALL kinds of candy, Gatorade, and granola bars...to help fuel his down-to-the-wire studying and cramming. I am sure that extra dose of sugar and processed foods was just what he needed to get himself over the hump and finish out strong. Way to go, Ashley! :-)

We celebrated the death of the boards by going to Buca Di Beppo last night. Yum. Even better was the lunch sized portion of the Shrimp Diavolo came out actually the full size, but the kind waitress said she only charged for the lunch ($9.99 instead of $17.99)...and we should just enjoy it anyway. I now have enough of that dish to take to lunch today and could still probably get two more meals out of it. Joy!

Luke invited some med school friends over tonight for a cookout. I hope the rain holds off. I was proud of Luke's social attempt, so I most certainly would like to see it come to fruition.

Little CeCe graduates high school on Saturday, so we will be getting our things ready for a Muncie weekend. After that, my focus will be packing for the big Kiawah vacation (complete with my first plane ride by myself...) and getting my mind right for the summer. I am so excited and blissful just thinking about it.

Well, I should get something done. I whipped this out in record time, so I still have some time to grade and grade and grade and grade and maybe I will see the top of my desk by the end of the day. We all can dream...sigh.

Tough Week

This week was pretty good until Wednesday, when I had to deal with a not-so-fun-situation with regards to a student's parent. I find this part of my job extremely exhausting and depressing. It is all I can do sometimes to put a smile on my face and go on. "Moving forward" has never really been my strong suit. I am hoping to build a thicker skin in time.

The concept of "not everyone is going to love you" is really hard for me. I hate being insecure and thinking that there is someone out there who is upset with me for any reason....whether it's a friend, family member, student, student's parent, or stranger on the street. I wear my heart on my sleeve and just take everything too personally.

I know that these traits will pay off one day...that I will be a loving mother and a sensitive friend. I hope that my parent problems at school are limited and that these people learn to just let me do my job.

Anyway, I am happy it is the weekend. I can't wait to rest and relax with my wonderful husband in our beautiful home. Our pear tree is blooming and the cherry blossom tree is ready to burst. I can't wait to take pictures! 

By the way...good meal idea is Rachael Ray's Cowboy Spaghetti. Google it and enjoy!