Dr. Luke

When I first met Luke as high school freshmen, I knew two things about him. 1) He was really quiet. 2) He wanted to be a doctor. Who would have guessed that we would end up together or that we would even see that long-awaited dream come true? Regardless of how we beat the odds...of a long-distance college relationship...of getting into IU Med School...of not filing for divorce after having children which a few of our friends have already experienced...of getting our first residency match choice...the fact is, we have beaten all of them and I have me a real good lookin' doctor man pulling me a Pioneer Woman meat loaf outta the oven that he made all by hisself. That's a good man right thur.

Anyway...a lot of people say they are going to do something when they grow up, and then life gets in the way. No one would have faulted Luke if he would have decided to go into a profession that was mildly less difficult, stressful, or debt-sucking. They are always looking for male teachers these days. However, he stuck with it, held on to his goals, and now he can look in the mirror and see an MD staring back. It's pretty cool.

Luke graduated last weekend after a nice little build-up of exciting activities. We had his friend Taylor's wedding, who married a fellow med student, Andrea. It's so cool to realize that Luke didn't even know Taylor existed before med school, and then he was actually in his wedding. Taylor and Andrea will be moving soon to Texas, just as a few of our other friends will be moving far away, too (Hey, Amanda!). I'm really bad with goodbyes and refuse to think that we will never see these people again, so I try to avoid acknowledging it all together.

The night before the graduation, we had a senior awards banquet to attend at the Indiana Roof Ballroom. It was really pretty and we felt privileged to get to attend a function there. It was good food and some nice speeches to listen to. I just couldn't stop thinking about how proud I was of Luke the entire evening, and how he deserved to enjoy every bit of this entire experience.

The ceremony the next day was at the Indiana Convention Center downtown. I was mildly disappointed in the venue. For the money that these men and women have paid, you would think you could have the ceremony in a little more charming of a venue instead of a huge ballroom that seats 3,000 people. I was also disappointed that other health degrees such as Masters of Public Health and Health Administration graduated with the med students. First of all, their guests took up a TON of the seats...the place was full 45 minutes prior to the ceremony and we were pretty much in the next to last row. Secondly, it made the ceremony about an hour longer than necessary. By the time they got around to the lousy old MD degrees, people were a little restless. I know everyone needs their moment, I would have thought that's what the IUPUI graduation was for the next day. Thankfully, they had a videographer who was filming them getting their degrees and hoods, and then that video was projected onto a big screen, so we could at least see him doing his thing. All in all, it was a dignified ceremony, if you forget about the little 4 year old girl sitting in front of us eating an ear of corn. At 10:00 a.m. That's Indiana for you!

Afterwards, the family that attended came to lunch with us at Bella Vita at Geist. It was good, and we had a good time relaxing after all the excitement of the day.

I still look at Luke and think, "A doctor? Really?" Sometimes, I still feel like we look 15 years old...which I suppose really isn't all  that bad. Life was good and simple then. Let's go back to that.

Congratulations to my accomplished, wonderful husband who spent 20 years of his life taking classes and preparing for this distinguished degree.

Now cut that meatloaf.

Hello Again

It's amazing how much energy I put into running from my thoughts these days! It seems that whenever Luke tries to ask me something like, "Babe, what can I start to put away in boxes today?" (in the smallest, weakest, I'm scared shitless of you voice), I instantly grab a handful of my hair, straighten my whole body, and respond with something totally logical such as "I don't know....can you get me something to drink?"

Even though this is a 100% GO, I am still in such denial! Luke's Match Day was Thursday, and yes, he did match at Ball, as we had expected. We are happy. YES, we are! We are very thrilled that Luke received his #1 choice, and that they wanted him so much, and that it is a great program, and that the grandparents will be in the same town, and that my job (providing I am not one of the 8 teachers they want to RIF this year) is there. For these reasons, we are very happy.

But for other reasons, we are sad. Mainly-- I am very sad. Growing up in Muncie, I don't really know what I would classify myself as...a city girl or a country girl. I went to Wes-Del...that should automatically put me in the country girl category, but I don't touch farm animals and I only own cowboy boots because they look cute with a couple skirts I have. I loved country music when I was younger, and I still do, but I suppose I don't hear it much when my XM radio is on the Cosmo channel 24/7. I like a good tenderloin as much as anyone...

...but I would say that over the years, I have become much more "big city" oriented. I love the lights, the buzz, the shopping, the people, the noises. I love the ACCESS to everything. I love that we can be downtown in 20 minutes. It doesn't have to be a big "plan the whole day" experience to go to Indy. Moving back to Muncie, where the Old Navy even went out of business in the mall and the Target isn't a SUPER Target...it scares me. It also scares me that I sound really shallow right now, but, people, if I don't start airing these grievances at some point, I will in fact go nuts.

I survived there and loved it there for my first 23 years on Earth! I can do it again! I just feel like I am reinserting myself and that I will feel a little like an outsider for a while.

However, the good news, is that I am really excited for an opportunity to create a home studio in our next house. I already have lots of ideas and plans made, so that is one of the stipulations we must look for in our next house-- a room we can dedicate ONLY for a studio. My heart skips a beat just thinking about it.

So anyway-- I am on spring break this week, which means I will have lots of time to catch up and write about being a McFatty and all that good stuff.

Happy Sunday!

The Strength It Takes.

I am fully aware that I have a large following of readers, similar to that of The Heir to Blair and Harper's Happenings. Wait...no? Never mind, I hallucinated. But, for my 7 official Followers plus my mom, I will go ahead and follow up with a post about the residency decision that was made last night.

I will start this post by thinking about some times I have ever shown my strength in a tough situation. What first comes to mind is going to school, placing a smile on my face, and pretending nothing happened after our miscarriage in 2008. I had a job to do, and I had to quickly understand that I am not the first nor last woman to experience such a loss, and the world won't stop for my devastation.

Next, I think about learning how to stay all night by myself with a brand new baby as Luke worked the overnight call schedule at the hospital. I was terrified to be alone with Noelle, and I was terrified to be alone.

Lastly, I think about bringing Noelle into the world. I think about carrying her for 9 months, nourishing her, protecting her, and then laboring to give her life for many hours. I think about holding her for the first time, and in those brief moments realizing that I am Super Woman for what I just did.

What comes next for us in the future months will also require strength. Putting our lovely first house on the market, scouring our new city for another home, and learning what it will be like to have a husband in residency. Can you guess what decision was made?

It was tough on both of us, and it came down to the wire, but eventually we just had to go with our hearts and our guts. We feel really good about the decision now, but we know that we will face some doubt and criticism not only from ourselves but also from others. I am not sure, honestly, which would have been the easiest decision...staying in Indy or moving to Muncie...both had their strengths and downfalls...but no one ever, ever, ever said this would be easy, and not much of Luke's med school journey has been.

I've already cried. I've already questioned. I've already done the "what the Hell were we thinking" dance in my mind, and the decision hasn't even been final for 24 hours. However, I know that over time I will come to love what we have chosen and embrace the new adventures ahead.

When I think about the nearly 1,480 hours I will have spent in my car simply commuting to work for four years, I realize that many aspects about this choice will make me very happy...especially now that gas is lurking near that $4 mark.

One of my biggest fears is my photography business that I have worked very hard to build. I have well over 30 clients at this point and don't want to lose any of them. I am hoping to continue working in the Indianapolis area and making people happy with my camera. I don't want this move to hinder me in any way. I pray it doesn't, because I am only just beginning.

Ball Memorial is now a division of IU Health, and there are billboards everywhere advertising the name change. On my way to school, there is one that stands tall...white with red letters, simply saying, "The strength it takes." I have looked at it each day for several weeks, and this week it has had a whole new meaning.

So...with the strength it takes to go on after losing a baby...
And with the strength it takes to stay over night alone...
And with the strength it takes to give life to a child...

I will embrace this change, this choice, and turn the page.

Untitled (because I thought about it for 10 minutes and couldn't think of one)

Since mid-high school, Luke and I both have been on a set track. We have always had a plan, and we have always done what it takes to follow the plan. Luke has known that he wanted to be a physician as long as I have known him, which is well over 10 years. He knew he wanted to go to IU Bloomington, and he knew he wanted to go to IU Medical School. There was never any guess work...never any major decisions. He has not stopped and wondered for one second, "Where to next?"

My story is pretty similar. I wasn't sold on teaching until my senior year in high school, but after that, I knew it was Ball State for me, study elementary education, and convince Luke to want to marry me upon graduation.

Check. Check. And check.

We always knew this day would come, but surely it would be WAY far in the future, right? Surely we would be, like, close to 30 and old and not care about our lives anymore, right?

Well, we ARE close to 30 (me more so than him, due to my 9 month age "advantage"), and this day that seemed so far in the distance is now looming over us, just asking for a punch in the face. Not sure what I am talking about?

Decision Day for the Residency Match. Wednesday. As in the day after tomorrow. My chest tightened as I reread that last line, and not because it is a grammatical mess.

I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought that Muncie would even be an option for us, let alone an option we would consider choosing. I always thought it would be Indy for us, 100%...that our license plates would read NDORBUST (not really...that would be STUPID).

We l-o-v-e LOVE it here. I am sure I love this city way more than Luke, or way more than what is healthy. I love the shopping. I love the restaurants. I love the parks. I love the events. I love the scenery. I love the buzz of a big city. I love knowing that I have only begun to understand all that the city has to offer us as a family, and I am not ready to leave. I love our home and the memories we have here.

I have reached a point where I am so tired of being on this roller coaster ride...this "Guess what? I love ______________________ program and we are going _______________ for residency," and then hearing the polar opposite the next day. I finally get myself to come to terms with the choice he has made, and then he changes it on me again.

I know that I don't deserve the sympathy in this situation, but we have been in a complete state of anxiety and unsettlement for several months, and it is really taking its toll on me as a person as well as our relationship.

By Wednesday, Luke has to make the decision, and I have told him more than once to just make the choice and tell me which one he chooses...not because I don't care, but because I have reached that level of exasperation. I just want Luke to be happy so that our family can ultimately be happy.

SO-- who knows what state of mind I will be in on Wednesday, but I can only hope for relief and an end to all of the anxiety.