McFatty Monday!

It's been a couple of weeks since I talked about being a McFatty...and in case you were wondering, I am still, in fact, a McFatty.

The good news is that I am not any heavier than I was when I last posted about being a McFatty.

The bad news is that I am not any lighter, either.

I am still very proud to admit that I have not been to a fast food restaurant or drive through since 2010. Luke pointed out that I have gone a 1/4 of a year without that stuff. Remarkably, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be...kind of like not finding out if Noelle was going to be a boy or girl-- not as hard as it seems, and SOOOO worth it in the end.

I think my overall appetite has decreased. Some days, I don't eat lunch....which I know is bad, but I find that I am not starving the way I used to be. I am really trying to just listen to myself and see if I am really hungry or if I am just eating because I am bored or sad or anxious or whatever.

I listen to XM radio all the time, and my radio is always on the Cosmo channel. In the evenings, there is a lady named Dr. Jenn who does a love and relationship show, and it replays in the morning at the ridiculous hour I am traveling to school. Dr. Jenn is a therapist, and she helps people in a lot of ways, and one of those ways is with overeating. She has a "hunger scale," and she said 1 is if you are absolutely starving and would eat your arm off, and 10 is if you are seconds away from barfing you are so full. She says you should eat at a level 3. She also said something I thought was good...she said, "If you don't know you're hungry, you're not hungry." I think what this means is your body gives you signals such as a growling stomach, that churning feeling, that empty, hollow feeling...and that is when you know you are actually hungry. Other times, you're probably filling a void with food.

So...with Kiawah only a couple months away, I am really needing to buckle down and get it together.

Starting tomorrow--- because I just ate ice cream. And it was darn good.

*P.S.-- no graph today. Sorry.

Hello Again

It's amazing how much energy I put into running from my thoughts these days! It seems that whenever Luke tries to ask me something like, "Babe, what can I start to put away in boxes today?" (in the smallest, weakest, I'm scared shitless of you voice), I instantly grab a handful of my hair, straighten my whole body, and respond with something totally logical such as "I don't know....can you get me something to drink?"

Even though this is a 100% GO, I am still in such denial! Luke's Match Day was Thursday, and yes, he did match at Ball, as we had expected. We are happy. YES, we are! We are very thrilled that Luke received his #1 choice, and that they wanted him so much, and that it is a great program, and that the grandparents will be in the same town, and that my job (providing I am not one of the 8 teachers they want to RIF this year) is there. For these reasons, we are very happy.

But for other reasons, we are sad. Mainly-- I am very sad. Growing up in Muncie, I don't really know what I would classify myself as...a city girl or a country girl. I went to Wes-Del...that should automatically put me in the country girl category, but I don't touch farm animals and I only own cowboy boots because they look cute with a couple skirts I have. I loved country music when I was younger, and I still do, but I suppose I don't hear it much when my XM radio is on the Cosmo channel 24/7. I like a good tenderloin as much as anyone...

...but I would say that over the years, I have become much more "big city" oriented. I love the lights, the buzz, the shopping, the people, the noises. I love the ACCESS to everything. I love that we can be downtown in 20 minutes. It doesn't have to be a big "plan the whole day" experience to go to Indy. Moving back to Muncie, where the Old Navy even went out of business in the mall and the Target isn't a SUPER Target...it scares me. It also scares me that I sound really shallow right now, but, people, if I don't start airing these grievances at some point, I will in fact go nuts.

I survived there and loved it there for my first 23 years on Earth! I can do it again! I just feel like I am reinserting myself and that I will feel a little like an outsider for a while.

However, the good news, is that I am really excited for an opportunity to create a home studio in our next house. I already have lots of ideas and plans made, so that is one of the stipulations we must look for in our next house-- a room we can dedicate ONLY for a studio. My heart skips a beat just thinking about it.

So anyway-- I am on spring break this week, which means I will have lots of time to catch up and write about being a McFatty and all that good stuff.

Happy Sunday!

We did it!

There is a sense of accomplishment that comes with celebrating your child's first birthday. Kind of like..."Look at us! She is one year old and not messed up yet!" Maybe the better way to say that is, "Look at us! She is happy, healthy, and has a full life ahead of her." Either way, we feel like it is a big deal.

Friday was the day, so I took a half day because I wanted to spend the afternoon with Noelle and Luke. Noelle celebrated her birthday at daycare with her "friends" as they are all called. The ladies even gave her some cake. I took Noelle out to Wes-Del to surprise my mom. Judging by the way she squealed when we walked in, I would say the mission was completed! I had fun taking Noelle around our old school. I also had this pit in my stomach as I saw all the middle and high school kids, thinking to myself that these kids used to be Noelle's size, and somewhere their parents are sad that they aren't little anymore. It made me cling tighter to my seven-toothed wonder.

Luke, Noelle, and I met for lunch at O'Charley's and then took her home before her 1 year doctor's appointment! Noelle had a great check-up with Dr. Woodworth, who we absolutely love as our pediatrician. She is so laid back and always reassures us that Noelle is as perfect as we think she is! Noelle is absolutely healthy, weighing in at just under 23 lbs (around 75th percentile). We do question the measurement of her height, because we measured her last week and got 27 inches, which according to a growth chart we found online, it put her around the 10th percentile (which had us concerned). The nurse measured Noelle at 30", so that had her in the 90th percentile. The way they measure is by putting Noelle on the paper on the table and then marking a line at her head and her feet, then measuring the distance on the paper. When we laid Noelle back down on the paper when it was time for her shots, she was definitely shorter than the distance between the two lines, so we are going to say she is somewhere between 27-30" in length, which is somewhere between the 10th-90th percentiles! Either way, she is great. She even showed off her ability to stand alone and take a few steps by herself, which was great! We will see Dr. Woodworth again in June for Noelle's 15 month check-up.

Later that evening, Elizabeth and Liz came over to help with the assembly of the bird pops for the "bird-day" party. We had a lot of fun putting those things together. 

The next day was spent cleaning and preparing all of the food for the party. At 4:00, we were ready for guests, and we had plenty of them! Our house was FULL of people, ready to celebrate Miss Noelle's first year of life. We had yummy food, and Noelle enjoyed a cupcake from The Flying Cupcake. She REALLY enjoyed it! She almost ate the whole thing! The candle on Noelle's cupcake was the same candle my parents used for my first birthday. Noelle needed a little help blowing it out, though.

Noelle received a lot of great gifts, and surprisingly, she was REALLY into the gifts. She wasn't your typical child, wanting to play with the boxes or just throw the gifts behind her. She was into looking at each one, touching them, holding them, and playing with them. This made it nice for the people who gave her the gift-- I feel like her sincere love of the gift was a great thank you for their generosity.

We had a really good time with family and friends at the party. Noelle wore herself out and was in bed by 7:00. She has been falling asleep well before 8 for about a week now. She is sleeping very well at night. She woke up the next morning with a little first birthday hangover. ;-)

I am working on a video montage of her first year in pictures, but as soon as I start on it, I get emotional and quit. This has been my M.O. lately. If something makes me sad or scared, I shove it to the back of my mind and forget about it for a while. Now that the party is over and we have an official ONE year old, I have to address other issues in my life...first and foremost, Match Day on Thursday and all that comes with it. I am trying so hard to be positive and enjoy this incredible time in our lives, but I have never been one for change. All I can hope is that I am in fact a lot stronger than I think I am, and that I will tackle any challenge ahead of me.

Anyway-- Happy Birthday to our sweet, lovable, wonderful Noelle...our reason for breathing. It's impossible to look at her sweet face and NOT want to be a better person. She will do great things for this world. 

One year ago!

Let's try to forget about how it is March 9th and I haven't written something yet this month. I have been really busy and overwhelmed, and every time I sit down to blog, I end up shutting my laptop and taking a break. I have so much I want to write, but I am finding it hard to grab all of the words.

However, I owe it to my daughter to write about how one year ago to this day, I had my last OB appointment before she was born. At this appointment, I learned that I was dilated 7 centimeters and my doctor was worried that I would go into labor at any moment. I was told to stay home from school the next day and that we would induce at 7 a.m. on the 11th!

I will never, ever forget the way I felt when I left the office that day. I was totally in shock and couldn't believe that we would be meeting our child about two weeks earlier than expected. We were so excited and  yet so scared. It was really happening! The baby we dreamed about for so long would finally be here, and even though we were prepared as could be, we still felt totally lost!

I can't believe that one year later, I have a sleeping baby girl in the next room with her booty up in the air and her doll under her arm. This has been such an incredible year for us as a family. The meaning that Noelle brings to each day is the greatest gift to us.

We are definitely preparing for her first birthday party. We have a lot to do, but it will get done, and we will have a great day with our sweet baby girl.

McFatty Monday, on a Monday!

I know I haven't done this in 3 weeks, but I wanted to update, and not just because I am back to losing weight again. OK, actually it is 100% just because I am back to losing weight again.

I am now back to my lowest point (other than right before I got pregnant). I am ready to break through this plateau and get to that weight that made me happy.

I am thinking about signing up for the Geist 5K in May. Training for a race is always a good way to get back on track and focused.

One thing about really trying to lose weight is you learn things about yourself-- such as I am not one of those people who can eat the same thing every day. I get very bored after about the 3rd day. I also hate salads that I make at home. They just don't compare to restaurant salads. I also will let 92% of my fruits and veggies rot at home before I eat them. I have to get better at this.

I can assure you though that I have not had anything from a fast food restaurant other than a Diet Coke since the start of this new year! I have lasted nearly 3 months without french fries and nuggets. Craziness! I don't really even think about it as an option for food anymore. It feels great to be free from that trap.

Alright-- here's my graph. Let's hope for a shorter bar next week, too.

Open the flood gates

It only took four days after the decision was made final for me to reach the point of inconsolable. We met with our realtor who walked through our house and made suggestions of all the things we should change in our house to get it ready to be sold. Of course, to us, our house is beautiful and just the way we want it. Definitely not perfect, but we have put a lot of effort into each room in our home. To know that we will have to make some changes to make it more attractive to buyers is overwhelming.

So in the middle of the night last night, when the tornado sirens were sounding and the thunder was shaking the sky and ground simultaneously, I found myself wide awake and full of thoughts. It was a little after 4 a.m. and I decided to just get up, and as soon as my head came off the pillow, the tears started coming down.

What started as a few lonely tears turned into a full on waterworks. I cried until I didn't think I had anymore, and then somewhere in the bottom of my guts I found some more tears to bring to the surface. I couldn't let go of the thought that even though our home might not sell for 6 months or more, we would have to live in it as though it was a museum, and so many changes would be made to it that it wouldn't even feel comfortable to us. I was worried about where Noelle's toys would be kept and how I would find that shirt in storage or if I would ever adjust to our bed being on that wall. Sure...you might say my thoughts drifted a smidge to the irrational side, but I was delirious and sad and tired and to top it off I couldn't make my voice go above a squeak.

Luke woke up and came to comfort me, which was probably a bad idea on his behalf because I then began to unload, as all good wives do. I said things such as...
"Ee made a huge mistake."
"Undo it."
"What were we thinking?"
"I should have just quit my job like everyone told me to and we could have stayed here."

Luke began to get upset, too, and this wasn't one of my prouder moments, but I was literally bawling my eyes out and watching the time tick closer to the time I needed to leave to go to school. I didn't know how I would be able to stop crying long enough to put some mascara on, but I somehow managed to suck it up and get it done. At about that time, I got a call saying we were on delay due to flooding in Delaware County.

I rested on the couch for a little bit until I got another call, saying we were closed. Great. Day before ISTEP. Closed. Ridiculous.

But...as much as we needed to be in school today....I am happy I had a day to recover from the horrible night and morning. Luke and I have decided that we don't have to do everything that was suggested to change the house, and that it is still our house until someone else takes over the payments, so we have a right to live there and be happy.

I have allowed myself to grieve...and to be upset and say mean things...and now it's time to move forward.

The Strength It Takes.

I am fully aware that I have a large following of readers, similar to that of The Heir to Blair and Harper's Happenings. Wait...no? Never mind, I hallucinated. But, for my 7 official Followers plus my mom, I will go ahead and follow up with a post about the residency decision that was made last night.

I will start this post by thinking about some times I have ever shown my strength in a tough situation. What first comes to mind is going to school, placing a smile on my face, and pretending nothing happened after our miscarriage in 2008. I had a job to do, and I had to quickly understand that I am not the first nor last woman to experience such a loss, and the world won't stop for my devastation.

Next, I think about learning how to stay all night by myself with a brand new baby as Luke worked the overnight call schedule at the hospital. I was terrified to be alone with Noelle, and I was terrified to be alone.

Lastly, I think about bringing Noelle into the world. I think about carrying her for 9 months, nourishing her, protecting her, and then laboring to give her life for many hours. I think about holding her for the first time, and in those brief moments realizing that I am Super Woman for what I just did.

What comes next for us in the future months will also require strength. Putting our lovely first house on the market, scouring our new city for another home, and learning what it will be like to have a husband in residency. Can you guess what decision was made?

It was tough on both of us, and it came down to the wire, but eventually we just had to go with our hearts and our guts. We feel really good about the decision now, but we know that we will face some doubt and criticism not only from ourselves but also from others. I am not sure, honestly, which would have been the easiest decision...staying in Indy or moving to Muncie...both had their strengths and downfalls...but no one ever, ever, ever said this would be easy, and not much of Luke's med school journey has been.

I've already cried. I've already questioned. I've already done the "what the Hell were we thinking" dance in my mind, and the decision hasn't even been final for 24 hours. However, I know that over time I will come to love what we have chosen and embrace the new adventures ahead.

When I think about the nearly 1,480 hours I will have spent in my car simply commuting to work for four years, I realize that many aspects about this choice will make me very happy...especially now that gas is lurking near that $4 mark.

One of my biggest fears is my photography business that I have worked very hard to build. I have well over 30 clients at this point and don't want to lose any of them. I am hoping to continue working in the Indianapolis area and making people happy with my camera. I don't want this move to hinder me in any way. I pray it doesn't, because I am only just beginning.

Ball Memorial is now a division of IU Health, and there are billboards everywhere advertising the name change. On my way to school, there is one that stands tall...white with red letters, simply saying, "The strength it takes." I have looked at it each day for several weeks, and this week it has had a whole new meaning.

So...with the strength it takes to go on after losing a baby...
And with the strength it takes to stay over night alone...
And with the strength it takes to give life to a child...

I will embrace this change, this choice, and turn the page.