The Balancing Act

Long time, no blog.

If you think this one's bad...you should see my photography blog. It is sooooo out of date that it's not even funny. I don't think I've written a quality post there since the beginning of the summer. BAH!

I'm struggling with balancing my life right now. If I had a balance (like an actual balance that you, well, balance things on), it would be heavily weighted down by SCHOOL/PHOTOGRAPHY, and the other side floating so high up in the air would be the FRIENDS/FAMILY/EXERCISE/HOBBIES/FUN side.

Ugh. Big, fat UGH.

How do people do it? And by people, I mean the cute little put together moms who always look so polished and refreshed as they beebop out the door to work, and then arrive home just in time to get an amazing dinner started with a bottle of wine on the table just as their hott hubby strolls in and says "Thanks, Babe, you're the BEST!" all before she puts on her yoga pants and sweats it out so she doesn't look like a fat, frumpy mess? I KNOW there are women out there like this, and I just want to BE one of them.

There's got to be something that can be removed from my plate. I think what I am going to have to start doing is leaving school at 4:00 no matter what. I can't keep staying until 5:00 or 5:30. It's not good for my sanity or for Noelle's. I NEED to be able to decompress and have some time in my evening. I NEED to be able to wind down and breathe and relax and enjoy the things I used to enjoy, such as exercising and sewing and crafting and other things.

So, I'm going to do it. I'm leaving at 4:00 and you can't stop me!

As for photography, I am way over-scheduled. I am behind on sessions, and I am putting my foot down that I am no longer scheduling sessions from now until January. I can't. I won't. I need to have a break.

I think I would feel so much better if I had time for some physical activity. I miss Zumba so much and the friends I made there over the course of 2 1/2 years. I enjoyed that outlet a lot and I have been hesitant to try it in Muncie because I know it won't be as good as Fishers. I know this because the instructor in Fishers is DA.BOMB and that's all there is to it. So I am being a Bitter Betty about it and am digging my heels in. As a result? I'm getting fatter. By the DAY!

The joys!

I wish I could write a non-whiny post. But I can't. I tried. Didn't work.

So, here I sit. Saturday night. Luke's on call. I am about to embark on an editing extravaganza to end all editing extravaganzas. Don't you wish you were me?

Big word for a little girl

The time had come. I walked into daycare at about 5:00 p.m. on Friday, and my baby girl was crying. This is never a good sight to see...especially when you feel horrible all day for having her in daycare in the first place.

So, I quickly ask what happened, and I was told that Noelle had to be scolded today. SCOLDED! As Noelle was sniffling hard and had tears streaming down her cheeks, I asked what she did. They said that she walked across the room and smacked one of the workers in the face for no reason! Now, I wasn't totally shocked because Noelle does have a "heavy hand" when it comes to hitting. She has been known to hit me on the arm and sometimes the mouth but she usually is giggling and not realizing that hitting is bad. We always take her hands and tell her a stern "no," but we haven't gone much further than that with discipline. I am a really big believer in discipline, but I also really believe in age-appropriate discipline. Children have to understand that what they are doing is wrong for the discipline/punishment to mean anything. And I am not, nor will I ever be, a spanker. Never, ever. Why would I teach my child that hitting is wrong through hitting her?

I digress.

They didn't do anything inappropriate, but they wanted her to say she was sorry. This is a pretty huge concept for a little girl to understand. Because Noelle says any and every word in the dictionary, she did say she was sorry and gave the girl a hug. I then scooped her in my arms and held her, and as she was still sniffling into my shoulder, she kept uttering "sorry....sorry..." Oh, it was the WORST! So painful and heartbreaking to hear your little baby girl crying sorry into your shoulder.

The whole way home she continued to sniffle and say "sorry" every few minutes. I couldn't help but in those moments feel an extreme amount of love and defensiveness for my daughter. I kept telling her how good of a girl she is and how much I love her. I told her hitting isn't nice and it hurts people, but she's not a bad girl.

And then my guilt turned on full blast. I went through all the ways that this incident was my fault. First and foremost, if I didn't choose/have to work, then she wouldn't have been in daycare to begin with. She would have only hit me in the face and I could have dealt with it in my own way. Second of all, if I would have left school early like I wanted to, then I would have been there before the assault was committed. I got there too late, and too late it was.

Ugh.


Sigh.


Sniffle.

If Noelle truly understood the word "sorry," then I would tell her I'm sorry for not being the most perfect mommy on Earth. I'm sorry you have to get up at 6:00 a.m. and go to daycare all day for 9-10 hours. I'm sorry that things are hectic and crazy sometimes and you don't get all of our attention.  I'm sorry that you might think I don't love you as much as the mothers who stay at home love their kids, but Heaven knows that's not the case.

I'm sorry.

3 Years

It's been 3 years.

Three years ago this day, we were excited to go to our first baby doctor appointment together. We weren't too nervous. We didn't know we had a reason to be. We were just excited and ready to meet our doctor and possibly see the little peanut on the ultrasound screen.

Everything changed so quickly. I still hear the words and see Dr. Ertle's face as she expressed her sympathy and disappointment for us. We lost the baby. Still...so haunting.

In some ways, it hurts more now than it did then. Before, I didn't know what I was missing. I had never been a mommy before. Now, I am so aware of the profound love you feel for your child, and my heart aches for the one I never held.

I suppose the biggest lesson I learned throughout the whole process is that time heals all wounds. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt and that there's not a scar...and that a little part of me doesn't die with every story of another woman's miscarriage or pregnancy loss...but I am saying that I am no longer raw with emotion and I can talk openly about the pain I felt then and the peace I feel now. I can thank time and faith....and if I am being honest...I will give about 75% of the credit to time and 25% to faith. I'd be lying if I said my faith wasn't shaken, damaged, and bruised through it all...but I'm working on healing that, too.

So, to our first baby, who we loved before we ever knew we lost...we still think about you all the time. And you have the coolest little sister in the world.

Suck it up, Ashley.

Do you ever just get so sick of yourself that you wish you could just step outside of your body and go be someone else for a while? If so, then you and I should talk.

This start of the school year has NOT been easy, and each day I say to myself that I should just be thankful to have a teaching job and I should embrace the challenges and not obsess over them. Usually by 9:00, my attitude is turned completely upside down, and I am riddled with "Why I am doing this?" "When will this get better?" "I'm just going to leave and pick Noelle up and stay home the rest of the day." Is it really the school year that's getting me or is it, well, me that's getting me?

I have such a problem with expectations. I expect too much out of people, things, events, holidays, meals, etc, etc, etc. If things don't go the way I have choreographed them in my head, I tend to literally WIG out and become completely handicapped for an obscene amount of time. I am getting to the point where I am just trying to accept that this is who I am, and I am no longer trying to change myself, but I am trying to give myself a way to express my disappointment without letting it ruin my whole day, week, month, or year.

I had SUCH high hopes for school this year. I worked in my room religiously during the summer. I have done research, made plans, thought ahead, and after 4 solid years of teaching, I have a pretty good idea of what has been working in my room and what needs to change. I was ready to face this year head on and I declared that it would be the BEST year EVER!

In steps the State of Indiana and the Department of Education. In steps Tony Bennett, not the singer, but quite possibly the biggest douche bag on God's green earth (i.e. State Superintendent) to just ruin all my plans for a good year. (see this extreme disappointment I get?) Merit pay, no seniority, score-based pressure, mandated subject area schedule, and tons and tons and tons of hoops to jump through that require hours upon hours upon hours of work outside the normal school day...I could go on...

However, as I left for the 3 day weekend, I told myself that I would not walk back in those doors on Tuesday with the same shitty attitude I have had for 3 weeks. I have sulked and complained and rolled my eyes and faked a smile and shuffled into school with the same enthusiasm as my kids (which is not a lot)...and it's not working for me. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. My mom has always said this. It annoys me, but it's true. And that's why it annoys me.

It's so much easier to just sit and be pissed and bitch to anyone who has at least one ear, but it never works out well for you in the end. If I put in the effort to be POSITIVE and happy with the way things are, I might be working harder on the front end, but I feel it will pay dividends in the long run.

So, in essence, I'm done with myself. I'm buying a new version of me this weekend and can't wait to test her out Tuesday.

Goodbye time

It hits me every morning. Same time. Same place.

It's the feeling I get when the day care door closes and I walk out to my car, right before I drive to school and spend my day with 24 children while someone else spends their day with mine.

The heartache hasn't lessened even one year later. It just doesn't feel right. I trust the day care. I like the people who work there. Noelle likes them, too. But all of that means nothing when I think about how I miss 10 hours of my baby's day. I see her for 30 minutes in the morning and about 2 hours in the evening.

I'll be quite honest. I hate my job right now. And that's exactly what it is...my job. Not a passion. Not a love. Not a calling. It's a job. And it sucks. I'm miserable. I thought this year would be positive and easier because I wouldn't be driving 2 hours a day and spending $300 a month on gas. I thought that it being my 5th year of teaching would make it slightly less taxing on me. I thought I had it under control.

But this year hasn't started off well, and it has nothing to do with my class. It has everything to do with state mandates that would bore/bring anyone to tears. The state has sucked my passion from me, and I can't help but want to cling to my baby and say forget it.

The thought occurred to me on Friday at lunch that I could walk away from all of this right now. I could leave and never come back. I could stay at home and post pictures on Facebook of me playing with my baby, go out and about, do arts and crafts with her, clean my house, put things away, unpack the last boxes, sew like I used to, plan meals ahead of time, eat something for lunch besides grapes, drink a glass of wine and BREATHE. I can't do any of those things the way it stands now. I. can't. breathe.

I don't know how to make it better, and I don't want to plague anyone else with my "issues." I just want to enjoy my life, and no matter how hard I try, I can't.

Tomorrow, 7:00 a.m., which has now become our goodbye time, will come too soon. And I'm not ready.

Greetings from Muncie & the at-home Internet.

Yes, I made it two, long, agonizing weeks without TV or home internet. As of about 11:00 a.m. on Saturday, we were in business and I was a happy camper.

You may be wondering what I have been doing lately. You may not be. Either way, I'm going to tell you.

We have been really trying to get the house put together. I care about it a little more than Luke. In fact, I am straight bothered by things not being put together at this point. We still don't have a kitchen table for the eat-in area. We still haven't touched the sunroom, which desperately needs a paint job as well as a new rug and maybe, oh, some furniture. The dining room just has a table in it. Nothing is hung on the walls. Don't ask about the office. So basically, I'm not too happy with the status of the house right now. Luke has been very busy at the hospital, forcing him to work long hours and then be exhausted when he comes home. He doesn't want to do much on the GET DONE OR ELSE list at the end of the day. I can't say I blame him, but I also don't know how it will ever get done if we don't just gut through it.

I have started school. I will cautiously say, "So far, so good." I feel like a seasoned vet already. It's amazing the difference between my first, first day and my fifth. The kids don't scare me, the parents (rarely) intimidate me, and I feel like I have a good grip on my classroom management, routines, etc. I'm quite pleased with the start of the year. Let's home this optimism continues and that I am still feeling good next month or even next week.

Noelle turned 17 months old last week. It's so hard to believe, and I am so tired of saying that it's so hard to believe! I wish I could keep track of how many words she is saying now. It is truly mystifying. The child hears a word once and then knows it for good. I believe it is true that a child's brain is more susceptible to learning before the age of 3. To say she is a sponge is an understatement. She copies everything we say and do...good and bad. We love her more and more each day, and every time I look at her, I get more excited for the future with her. I'm not wishing this sweet age away, but she truly gets more fun as she gets older. I can't wait until she starts putting words together into sentences and telling funny stories.

Anyway-- I don't know what else to share. I hope to get back into the groove of blogging about actual subject matter, rather than just giving a lame update about what I have been doing lately. I just wish I could print a T-shirt that says, "I'm not normally like this. I just moved, started school, and am trying to please everyone in the world."

I hope the real me returns soon.

Stop looking for me.

I appreciate your concern. I have seen the Missing posters. I'm OK. Really, I am.

It's been about 10 days since I last posted. There are two reasons for this.

1. We have been moving like mo fo's.

2. We have no TV or Internet.

Yes, you read that correctly! I have not had TV or Internet in the full week since we have been in Muncie! The horror! Basically, I had the appointment all set up for them to hook up our U-Verse on Monday, August 1st. I called to do this over two weeks ago. The problem was that the old owners did not disconnect whatever service they were using on time, so there were "conflicts on the board." Therefore, we lost our appointment and I have had to engage in some horrific phone tag between myself and ATT. I have spent hours on the phone with them, trying to get them to see that they need to hook up my TV and Internet soon, OR ELSE. They don't know how crazy I am! Especially after a week without Real Housewives of New Jersey, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Teen Mom, So You Think You Can Dance, or 48 Hours Mystery. I haven't had Internet aside from my iPhone, so I am overloaded with photography inquiries, online bills to pay, school email to check, and blogs to write!

The first appointment they could get me was going to be August 25th! Seriously! Then they moved it to August 13th, and that was the soonest they could do it. So, we have another week of this ridiculousness. What an awesome way to spend my last days of summer vacation! Ugh.

Aside from that mess, we have moved in and are busy painting, cleaning, and unpacking. The house was supposed to be cleaned by a professional and the carpets were to be cleaned prior to our moving in. Well, let's just say that anyone who paid money for this house to be cleaned was royally screwed over. There's dog fur in every corner and crevice of this home, including IN the washing machine. I have been cleaning and sanitizing like nuts. It's insane how little pride people take in their own homes.

If you take away the cleanliness issue, it really is a beautiful home. It is spacious, updated, and pretty. We are very happy with it and feel relieved to have signed a 3 year lease. It is in a great location and it takes me a whopping 5 minutes to get to Noelle's day care. I am so excited about that! Once we get everything the way we want it, we will really be happy here.

Of course I miss our Indianapolis home and neighbors, but we are settling in here and trying to stay positive. I will be in Indy quite frequently due to photography sessions, so I will be able to visit my regular "spots" pretty often. Our new neighborhood seems like the farm team to the retirement home, as our neighbors are all white-haired. Oh well-- at least it's quiet.

So, that's what I have been doing lately. School starts in 5 days. I can't believe it. I am not ready, but I am also pretty excited about a new school year. It's so much fun to start fresh with new kids. I have a feeling it will be a really great year!

Thanks for checking on me.