Mrs. E and the MD

I have avoided writing this blog post for a while now, going back and forth between treating my blog like an actual journal full of honest thoughts or just as a way to document the casual happenings of life, staying comfortably on the surface of feelings and emotions. I have decided to go ahead and treat it like a journal and see how I feel afterwards.

It's the time of year to start thinking about Baby #2. When Noelle was born, it was March, which ended up being just fine, but I had to take a maternity leave and return to school when she was about 9 weeks old. It sucked, to put it lightly. Those around me might try to downplay it and say that everything worked out and it was probably good to get back into the swing of things and be around other people and I only had to work a few weeks before summer and blah blah blah. No. It sucked. Asking a mom to leave her very small baby, no matter how much that mom loves her job or how much she loves the childcare, it still sucks. And hurts. And is not fun.

So, I swore that the next time we had a child, I would make my best efforts to have a May or June baby so that I wouldn't have to take time off and then return so soon. I also wouldn't have to deal with the mess of a maternity leave sub screwing everything up in my classroom, only for me to return and clean up the mess. Well, if you do the math, a May or June baby would mean getting pregnant in August or September. Which is really soon.

Is it too soon? Is Noelle too young to be a big sister? In theory, 2 years apart sounds like the standard spacing for a large(ish) family. Luke and I have not disguised our plan for at least 4 children. I want my kids to have many siblings, and after having the world's most perfect child the first time, how could I not be aching for more?

However, I am terrified that having another one will ruin Noelle's life. Seriously, I am. Everyone I have talked to who has two children close together says it is the best thing...that the older one loves "helping" and holding the baby and sharing toys. However, I have seen first hand at photography sessions that the older one turns rebellious, feels left out, doesn't want to "kiss the baby" if we pay him to or bribe him with cupcakes and milkshakes. I am worried this will become Noelle. Our sweet little muggins will just turn into a terror and resent us for taking away her "one and only status."

But then I see the sweetness of it all. I see the older sibling feeling like the baby is like a gift to him or her...that the two grow up to become very close and are built in best friends. I see that it is fun and crazy to have two so close together, but you are at least still in the "baby stage" from the first one, so you don't have to go from a 7 year old independent child to a baby who relies on you for everything.

I might as well have been an only child. My brother is 7 years older and moved away to Missouri for college when I was 12 and returns once or twice a year. I always wanted to a little brother or sister. But if I would have gotten one, would my life have been vastly different? I am sure different in both positive and negative ways.

I feel like this decision is 100% more difficult than deciding to have a first child. It's not even the financial responsibility that scares me. It's the time. Do I have enough time and commitment and patience to be a mom to two children and still feel like a human? Me not working is not an option at this point-- so two children in daycare...and how much more difficult will it be for me to do photography? My mind is absolutely swirling, and I feel a lot of pressure.

It's the epic battle between head and heart. Do I choose what my heart longs for, or do I let my reasonable head win?

As far as comments go-- if you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all...