Mrs. E and the MD

Deep breath.

Today was supposed to be your birthday. I was supposed to have met your sweet face for the first time. Of course, there would have been a strong likelihood that you would have greeted the world a few days or weeks early, or there was a chance that I could still be sitting here, waiting on you to arrive. Regardless, today was supposed to be your birthday.

I first heard the date, April 13th, nearly eight months ago at my first doctor's appointment. In just a matter of seconds, a nurse was able to determine when you would be ready to make your entrance into the world. With a smile, I thought to myself, "Wow, April 13th seems so far away." 

April 13th has taken a long time to get here. There were days after we found out that we lost you that seemed twice as long as regular days. I cried a lot, because I couldn't imagine never  meeting you. I couldn't imagine never holding you. I couldn't imagine April 13th actually arriving with you.

Here I sit, at the completion of this journey, and I think about the days behind me. I know I am stronger in many ways, but I still feel this deep pain....this deep bruise....and I can't do anything to make it feel better. I think this is the way it will always be, and that is OK. Why would I want to forget you? Why would I want to just make it all "go away?"

I have worked really hard to make myself healthy. I have taken care of myself. Through it all, I have thought about you...and about what I could have done to have prevented what happened. I know in my heart that there was nothing I could do, but I can't help but want to be in the best health I can be for "the next time." 

I think about what you look like from time to time. Do you have dark hair? Is it curly? Do you have your father's nose (oh no!)? I can't even imagine how beautiful you are. 

I wish I could have walked this road with you. I wish I could have carried you through to your birthday. I wish I could celebrate you and talk about you and show you off to the world. I wish so much, but that is all they are....wishes. 

Above all else, I wish I could have watched you grow up....told you to eat your vegetables, played with you in the yard, fixed your hair in pigtails, given you advice about boys, helped you with your homework....but for now I will just say Happy Birthday and I love you.

Love,

Your mother