Baby steps

I realize I have been really down on my entries lately, and really the only explanation I have for that is I have been really down in my real life, too. The stress of all that's been going on has really taken a toll, and each day seems to be a struggle to keep it all in perspective and put one foot in front of the other. Nonetheless, I do it...not only because I have to but because I want to, for Noelle, and Luke, and myself. I know, because life experience tells me it's true, that everything is going to be fine...but it is just so hard to remind myself of that constantly-- 24 hours a day.

Anyway, there have been plenty of good things going on, all of which are helping the cause. First and foremost, Noelle is WALKING! She walks everywhere now, and only resorts to crawling in situations where she wants to get somewhere fast. She is so good at the walking and looks like such a big kid when she does it. 

She also is talking a lot more. She is beginning to say recognizable words, and I can tell she is learning their meanings. Luke taught her "light," and when you ask her where the light is, she looks up every time. I haven't had the heart to tell her that not all ceilings, skies, or vehicles have lights directly overhead, and sometimes lights can be on tables or walls, but we will save that for another day! 

She also says "book," well, all but the K part. When you ask her to get a book, she will walk to her room and start pulling all of her books off the shelves. She also understands dog and cat, and last night we could have sworn she said "Bella" (more like Bewwa) as we were reading her a book with a cat named Bella in it. 

She hugs her stuffed animals with intention now, and she is the sweetest little girl on the planet (but we already knew that)!

Another step in the positive direction is that I did not get a RIF notice on Friday when our superintendent handed out letters. No one at our school did, thankfully. There were 3 elementary teachers who received the letters, however, and I am sad for them. However, it is every man for himself right now, and I have to count my blessings that for next year, I still have a job.

Now, if only ONE person would want to see our house...

The Day That Never Was

Two years ago today was the due date for our first pregnancy. That pregnancy ended in miscarriage 10 weeks into it, and we haven't been the same since.

Did our lives end? No. Did they change forever? Yes. Will this day always have a tinge of sadness, even when it is beautifully lit with spring? Maybe. I don't know yet.

What I have to remember is that without the experience of our loss, Noelle most likely would not have come to be...or at least not yet. I highly doubt we would have had a child in April and then turned around and had a baby the following March...though I suppose you would never know.

Baby #1, who we believed also was a girl, is playing and celebrating her 2nd birthday somewhere.

When it rains

I haven't wanted to write for a while. In fact, I still don't really want to, but I am worried that if I don't write, I will fall off the wagon completely and never return. I don't want that to happen, so I am going to stumble around until I find what I need to say. The house is quiet. Noelle is asleep. Luke is working from 9 p.m. to 6 a.m., just like he did last night. I am alone in more ways than one right now.

It's sad how isolating trying to sell a house can be. We are afraid to have people over, for fear getting the house dirty. We feel we are slaves to our phones, waiting for that call to say we have a showing, even though the house has been listed for 2 weeks no one has wanted to see it. Well, someone called to see it but then cancelled the next day. We are on edge, scared, nervous, and sad all at the same time. We smile and nod when people say that this is all part of the plan, and the house will sell, and we will find something else, but behind our smiles, we are scared shitless that we are going to be put in a difficult situation in a couple of months. Just know that as much as I say I am calm and "not worried" about it, that it couldn't be further from the truth.

I heard a rumor that this week is when our corporation lets teachers know if they have been RIF'd (reduction in force; i.e. laid off; i.e. nice way of saying "fired"). Last year, my corporation laid off everyone beneath my year of experience. I was safe. They called back several of those people who they cut because they ended up needing them anyway. This year, they anticipate cutting around 6 teaching positions, at least 2 of which from the elementary. Who knows where I stand now? I believe there are 4 under me. Next year? They anticipate cutting another $400,000 from the budget, which means we will have the same situation again. My biggest fear, aside from the pain and anguish of "losing" my job, is that we will have sold our house and moved to Muncie, only for me to get laid off and not have a job to go to each day. The whole point (well, not the whole point...Luke's residency was a major factor) of moving to Muncie was so that I wouldn't have to drive an hour each way to work. If I lose my job, I will be stuck in a town with a couple of other school corporations that are not in any position to hire anyone, and I will probably be hauling my ass back down 69 each morning, only this time heading toward Indy at 6:30 a.m. I don't know what makes me think that I would get hired in Indianapolis, but at least there are more options.

As I was cooking a dinner tonight that was far too complicated for the lackluster taste it delivered, I was resentful of Luke, who was deliriously happy playing with our giggling 13 month old, while I was trying to put together something edible and before 9:30 p.m. I kept thinking how I should be the one with Noelle, and how she never cries when I drop her off at daycare because she probably doesn't have any attachment to me anyway, given that the most time we spend together is when she is strapped into her car seat, facing my back windshield for 2 hours a day. Typing that brings tears to my eyes.

When I get home at the end of the day, the sheer physical exhaustion, coupled with the emotional exhaustion, tempts me to find a place on the couch and stay for hours...and many nights here lately, that's exactly what I have been doing. Few behaviors can make a person feel more worthless, but here I am, caught in this habit of vegetizing myself after 5:00 p.m. The stomach cramps, knots in my shoulders and neck, throbbing aches behind my eyes, and pricking pains that feel like they are coming from my hair follicles really keep me from wanting to do anything productive or good for myself.

Let's see...in the past 7 days...I have experienced public shame and humiliation, the disappointment of a cancelled house showing, and just today, I was notified that over $2,000 in fraudulent charges came through via my PayPal account. Of course I realize that "attitude is everything" and if I think about all the negative, I will never, ever see any of the positive, but I am at that place right now, and I can't seem to snap out of it.

I have been down before, and I have gotten through it just fine. There is a process that I must go through, and no amount of force feeding of positivity will help. It has to be a decision within me to want to stand up, dust myself off, and put all of this to bed. Until then, my misery is looking for company.

And a drink.

Help.

I have had a horrible week, and it is only Wednesday.

No showings on the house.

Loads of trouble at school.

Luke working ridiculous ER hours.

No time to just "be."

Feeling the stress already as it manifests itself in stomach cramps, headaches, blurry vision, and nausea. I don't think I have counted down so hard for anything in my life than the end of this school year.

To think, it wasn't even bad until Monday.

Life as we know it.

Hello Stranger Blog. It's been over a week since I sat down to let you in on the happenings-o-life. Not much to say, except for that I feel that change is all around me, and I am trying to embrace it all.

Basically, we live in a museum. Yep, yes we do. Our house is officially on the market, and if you want to buy it, you can click here.

Anywho, we live as if we are in a movie where they get locked in a department store overnight so they go around and do whatever they want while the store is closed and then by the time the store opens in the morning, everything better be put back where it was. That's exactly what we are doing, except it really isn't as fun as it seems on the movies. Having to have a picture perfect home (when it wasn't to begin with) by the time we leave the house at 6:30 a.m. just on the chance that someone will call and want to see the house while we are gone during the day is really difficult. I mean, I can count how many times I have made my bed since I was physically able to do so on one hand, so making my bed every day, even on weekends, really blows. I just hope it is worth it.

Noelle is loving her life, learning new things, having fun, and being super cute. We have been so busy around the house that we decided to put her to work. She has to mow the lawn:

She needs to feed herself. We don't have time for "here comes the airplane, open up the hangar!" games anymore:

And her new favorite thing to do this cute little face:

She is officially sproutin' an 8th tooth, but she is truly taking it like a champ, as always. In fact, baby girl slept from around 7:30 last night until after 8 today, which is late for her, so I almost went in to make sure she was OK, but I weighed that option against accidentally waking her up and me not getting time to clean up around the house or eat my waffle in peace (MOTHER OF THE YEAR!). Lo and behold, she was fine. I knew she was. But still...12+ hours of sleep is kind of freakish.

You may be wondering about my McFatty-ness. Well, I took cleaning the bathroom as an opportunity to put away the scale (because what potential buyer wants to see that I have to weigh myself every day?). So, I hadn't weighed myself in a week, but it turns out that the scale was still my friend. Not up, not down. I have a goal to shed 10 big ones before we head to South Carolina on June 3. I think I can do it. No, really, I do. Stop laughing. Gosh.

Still no fast food for this girl, though. Eat my shorts, Ronald McDonald.