When it rains

I haven't wanted to write for a while. In fact, I still don't really want to, but I am worried that if I don't write, I will fall off the wagon completely and never return. I don't want that to happen, so I am going to stumble around until I find what I need to say. The house is quiet. Noelle is asleep. Luke is working from 9 p.m. to 6 a.m., just like he did last night. I am alone in more ways than one right now.

It's sad how isolating trying to sell a house can be. We are afraid to have people over, for fear getting the house dirty. We feel we are slaves to our phones, waiting for that call to say we have a showing, even though the house has been listed for 2 weeks no one has wanted to see it. Well, someone called to see it but then cancelled the next day. We are on edge, scared, nervous, and sad all at the same time. We smile and nod when people say that this is all part of the plan, and the house will sell, and we will find something else, but behind our smiles, we are scared shitless that we are going to be put in a difficult situation in a couple of months. Just know that as much as I say I am calm and "not worried" about it, that it couldn't be further from the truth.

I heard a rumor that this week is when our corporation lets teachers know if they have been RIF'd (reduction in force; i.e. laid off; i.e. nice way of saying "fired"). Last year, my corporation laid off everyone beneath my year of experience. I was safe. They called back several of those people who they cut because they ended up needing them anyway. This year, they anticipate cutting around 6 teaching positions, at least 2 of which from the elementary. Who knows where I stand now? I believe there are 4 under me. Next year? They anticipate cutting another $400,000 from the budget, which means we will have the same situation again. My biggest fear, aside from the pain and anguish of "losing" my job, is that we will have sold our house and moved to Muncie, only for me to get laid off and not have a job to go to each day. The whole point (well, not the whole point...Luke's residency was a major factor) of moving to Muncie was so that I wouldn't have to drive an hour each way to work. If I lose my job, I will be stuck in a town with a couple of other school corporations that are not in any position to hire anyone, and I will probably be hauling my ass back down 69 each morning, only this time heading toward Indy at 6:30 a.m. I don't know what makes me think that I would get hired in Indianapolis, but at least there are more options.

As I was cooking a dinner tonight that was far too complicated for the lackluster taste it delivered, I was resentful of Luke, who was deliriously happy playing with our giggling 13 month old, while I was trying to put together something edible and before 9:30 p.m. I kept thinking how I should be the one with Noelle, and how she never cries when I drop her off at daycare because she probably doesn't have any attachment to me anyway, given that the most time we spend together is when she is strapped into her car seat, facing my back windshield for 2 hours a day. Typing that brings tears to my eyes.

When I get home at the end of the day, the sheer physical exhaustion, coupled with the emotional exhaustion, tempts me to find a place on the couch and stay for hours...and many nights here lately, that's exactly what I have been doing. Few behaviors can make a person feel more worthless, but here I am, caught in this habit of vegetizing myself after 5:00 p.m. The stomach cramps, knots in my shoulders and neck, throbbing aches behind my eyes, and pricking pains that feel like they are coming from my hair follicles really keep me from wanting to do anything productive or good for myself.

Let's see...in the past 7 days...I have experienced public shame and humiliation, the disappointment of a cancelled house showing, and just today, I was notified that over $2,000 in fraudulent charges came through via my PayPal account. Of course I realize that "attitude is everything" and if I think about all the negative, I will never, ever see any of the positive, but I am at that place right now, and I can't seem to snap out of it.

I have been down before, and I have gotten through it just fine. There is a process that I must go through, and no amount of force feeding of positivity will help. It has to be a decision within me to want to stand up, dust myself off, and put all of this to bed. Until then, my misery is looking for company.

And a drink.