Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Another lame update. Sorry.

I wish I could sit down to write a post that doesn't have to do with moving, but for another week, that's what it's going to have to be. We move Saturday. Sa-tur-day. Saturday. I can't believe it. We are so crazy busy right now with things to do that we can't see straight, but I keep telling myself it will all get done and we will survive.

We have been trying to squeeze some fun in amidst all the chaos. I turned 27 about a week ago, and Luke took his girls out for a very nice dinner to Stone Creek Dining Company, which is a place we had never been before at Hamilton Town Center. It was super awesome food and a great atmosphere. We will definitely be back. As much as I tried to be pretty for the evening, I think Noelle stole the show! She is always such a little attention-getter. Her Papa is going to have a lot of boys to beat off with sticks in about 15 years. Oh boy!

We also celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. It's (insert really awful cliche...i.e. awesome, amazing, crazy, beautiful) to think that we began this journey four years ago and now here we are! Luke was just starting medical school and I was just beginning my teaching career. We lived in the glorified ghetto of Indy's northwest side, and we knew jack shit about life or anything for that matter. That was one miscarriage and a 16 month old ago. We dreamt of buying a home and moving on to the next "big thing." Now, here we are, preparing to move out of our first home and start another chapter of our lives (I hate that cliche, too).

We celebrated by going to a movie (insert boy band squeal!) and a late dinner. It was fun actually going to dinner when it was dark out (in the summer, no less) like all the important cool people do. We ate at Cooper's Hawk which is an amazing restaurant that again we had never been to before. I am a huge fan of Moscato, and this restaurant had hands down, the BEST Moscato in all the land. Seriously. Better than Olive Garden's. Better than Oliver's. Better than any other brand in the grocery that I have tried. It was soooo good. I am still dreaming about it. We owe Aunt CeCe big time for watching Noelle and taking good care of her while we got our "young and kidless" on.

Let's see...what else is new? Hmmm. I have added Body Pump to my exercise regime. I do it before Zumba, so that is two hours of fitness classes twice per week. I am sure I won't be able to keep this pace up for long, but it has been so fun getting stronger and just completely pumping away my stress. I absolutely love the way working out feels. If only I could get over my love of food and then maybe you could tell that I love working out.

I won't let this lame-oid post be the last one from Indy. I will do something special, I promise. I know you're on the edge of your seats.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I have avoided writing this blog post for a while now, going back and forth between treating my blog like an actual journal full of honest thoughts or just as a way to document the casual happenings of life, staying comfortably on the surface of feelings and emotions. I have decided to go ahead and treat it like a journal and see how I feel afterwards.

It's the time of year to start thinking about Baby #2. When Noelle was born, it was March, which ended up being just fine, but I had to take a maternity leave and return to school when she was about 9 weeks old. It sucked, to put it lightly. Those around me might try to downplay it and say that everything worked out and it was probably good to get back into the swing of things and be around other people and I only had to work a few weeks before summer and blah blah blah. No. It sucked. Asking a mom to leave her very small baby, no matter how much that mom loves her job or how much she loves the childcare, it still sucks. And hurts. And is not fun.

So, I swore that the next time we had a child, I would make my best efforts to have a May or June baby so that I wouldn't have to take time off and then return so soon. I also wouldn't have to deal with the mess of a maternity leave sub screwing everything up in my classroom, only for me to return and clean up the mess. Well, if you do the math, a May or June baby would mean getting pregnant in August or September. Which is really soon.

Is it too soon? Is Noelle too young to be a big sister? In theory, 2 years apart sounds like the standard spacing for a large(ish) family. Luke and I have not disguised our plan for at least 4 children. I want my kids to have many siblings, and after having the world's most perfect child the first time, how could I not be aching for more?

However, I am terrified that having another one will ruin Noelle's life. Seriously, I am. Everyone I have talked to who has two children close together says it is the best thing...that the older one loves "helping" and holding the baby and sharing toys. However, I have seen first hand at photography sessions that the older one turns rebellious, feels left out, doesn't want to "kiss the baby" if we pay him to or bribe him with cupcakes and milkshakes. I am worried this will become Noelle. Our sweet little muggins will just turn into a terror and resent us for taking away her "one and only status."

But then I see the sweetness of it all. I see the older sibling feeling like the baby is like a gift to him or her...that the two grow up to become very close and are built in best friends. I see that it is fun and crazy to have two so close together, but you are at least still in the "baby stage" from the first one, so you don't have to go from a 7 year old independent child to a baby who relies on you for everything.

I might as well have been an only child. My brother is 7 years older and moved away to Missouri for college when I was 12 and returns once or twice a year. I always wanted to a little brother or sister. But if I would have gotten one, would my life have been vastly different? I am sure different in both positive and negative ways.

I feel like this decision is 100% more difficult than deciding to have a first child. It's not even the financial responsibility that scares me. It's the time. Do I have enough time and commitment and patience to be a mom to two children and still feel like a human? Me not working is not an option at this point-- so two children in daycare...and how much more difficult will it be for me to do photography? My mind is absolutely swirling, and I feel a lot of pressure.

It's the epic battle between head and heart. Do I choose what my heart longs for, or do I let my reasonable head win?

As far as comments go-- if you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Wahoo! Yippee! Pow pow! Yee haw! (blows on finger guns)

We got the house!

Really, this situation could not be more perfect for us. We still get to own our home in Indy, have renters to pay the mortgage, and then we get to rent this home in Muncie for three years! We are very happy and relieved that everything is working out.

Now we actually have to move. Yikes. :-)

Check it out!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

There are no words.

I've been trying to find the words.

And then I saw this.

It's an often occurrence when Noelle toddles up to me as I am kneeling on the floor and proudly shouts, "Mama!" and then throws her arms around my neck. We probably look a lot like this picture. Both smiling. She squeezes me as I hold her close. 

How does it go from A to Z...from that photo above to a baby lying dead in a swamp with duct tape on her mouth? How are there no explanations, no reasonings, no truths, and now no consequences? How do you celebrate that your own life is spared but that sweet little girl will never be able to throw her arms around your neck again?

How is that the "Beautiful Life?"

The beautiful life, Casey, is waking up to your daughter bouncing in her crib and excitedly chanting "more!" in anticipation of breakfast.

The beautiful life, Casey, is watching her wear your sunglasses around her neck as if they are a necklace.

The beautiful life, Casey, is playing in a swimming pool, swinging on a swing, or going down a slide as her curls blow in your face. 

The beautiful life, Casey, is watching her face light up the first time she eats ice cream or bounce up and down to the tune of a favorite song.

The beautiful life, Casey, is reading stories to her and listening as she points out the objects on a page and calls them by name.

The beautiful life, Casey, is changing the diapers, waking up at 3 a.m., holding her when she cries, and caring for her when she's sick. It's beautiful even when it is not easy.

We spend so much time telling and teaching our children that lying is wrong. That you should own up to your mistakes. That you should take responsibility for your actions. That you should be a kind and loving person to others. The verdict that the jurors handed down yesterday not only served no justice for that poor baby girl, but it completely goes against any morals we try to instill in our children. 

Soon, she will be free. She will be free to live the life she wanted without Caylee. She can dance on tables and enter hot body contests and wear the American flag as a toga until her heart is content. 

She may have her freedom, but as long as my little girl is throwing her arms around my neck, I am the one with the beautiful life. 

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Officially Off the Sauce...Tomorrow.

Some people are alcoholics.

I am not one of them.

However, I am addicted to a dark brown, bubbly little elixir that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when I drink it.

Diet Coke.

Eff that Diet Coke.

My addiction to it goes in phases, but I have been stuck in a pretty long phase for a while now. I would say that I drink one every day, at least. I might have more than one. Some days, I might not consume any other liquids other than Diet Coke. And I LOVE water, so for me not to drink it at all in a day, that's something huge.

You see, I have been believing this lie that Diet Coke is healthy. OK, maybe I didn't really think it was healthy, but I thought it didn't really hurt you. Afterall, it wasn't regular Coke with all that sugar. I was just consuming gallons of cancer-causing aspartame daily. No biggie.

Aside from the cancer threat, I have read some articles lately about how your body processes fake sugar in a very similar way to what it does with real sugar. Basically, excess sugar turns into fatty acids in your body, and the fatty acids basically turn into fat that becomes stored. Lovely! (I know my husband is a doctor and all, but I am not exactly sure how correct I was in that description. I did read a lot of articles today, though.)

So, this might explain why I have made an effort to eat better and I have been working out, but I have seen no change in the scale or in the way my clothes fit. Don't misunderstand...I am NOT perfect in the food/fitness department. In fact, I am salivating over the ice cream I am about to disrespect in a few minutes. However, I think I do better than most at making good choices and I have added Body Pump to my fitness routine each week in addition to Zumba. Something should be happening, and my belly getting bigger shouldn't be that "something."

I expect for me to have horrible caffeine withdrawal headaches. I expect for me to crave Diet Coke like never before. I expect for me to be faced with many trigger situations (i.e. walking around Target, driving in my car, working in my classroom, going out to eat). I expect for me to be extremely irritable and PISSED that I even have to give up one of life's simple pleasures. However, I am sick of being a fat ass, and I am willing to do just about anything at this point to drop some el-bees.

I will have you know that I am drinking my last Diet Coke right now. Yes, I went to McDonald's specifically to get one. Yes, it tastes amazing. Yes, I'm scared to say goodbye.

Here goes nothin'...