It's official!

I have felt the little one move a few times now. At first I was in denial and thought it wasn't humanly possible to feel the baby this early yet, but after a few days of it, I am now convinced that we have a little Olympic athlete growing inside.

I always said that after I had Noelle, what I missed the most about being pregnant was feeling her kick and move. I didn't feel Noelle move until well after my 20th week of pregnancy. To feel it already at 12-13 weeks, I feel blessed! I am so excited to be on this journey again and am ready for everything that is to come.

Other than that, there really isn't much to talk about. I am anxiously awaiting the end of school with less than 4 weeks to go now. I am SO ready for a break and to rest my mind and body for a little bit.

OK-- I guess there is something else to talk about. I don't want to open a can of worms, but since this is my blog, I feel that I have permission-- but lately on Facebook there have been not just one, but several, of my friends posting about how teachers (I'm paraphrasing) are whiners and need to just shut up or quit. Someone put a picture up of an extremely outdated letter from 1994 where a teacher was reprimanding a student for correcting her (albeit in a disrespectful way) because she was wrong in something she told the class. This inspired a lot of hateful comments about how this is what's wrong with schools TODAY (Hello...1994...) and why they chose to homeschool their children because teachers "don't know what the Hell they are teaching."

I wanted to comment so badly on those posts and really lay it out there, but the general consensus I was gathering was that really no one would see it from my point of view. After all, I have a very easy job where all I do is babysit and get to leave at 3:00 and get summers, spring breaks, Christmas breaks, random 3 day weekends, 2 hour delays, snow days, etc. Who would want to hear about how I actually do work extremely hard, all through the year, whether I am in my classroom or not. That I spend COUNTLESS hours and dollars of my own money on my students, classroom, lessons, etc. My day does not end when I walk out of school (typically never at 3:00, usually closer to 5:00 which is when most "normal" people leave their jobs). I lug home a bag of papers to grade each night and have the internal struggle of do I miss out on time with my child and/or my husband to grade these things (that will most likely end up shoved in a child's backpack never to be seen by the parent anyway) or should I just wait until tomorrow.

I don't really need to mention how difficult it is to deal with parents who think you're the enemy, students who are apathetic, students who struggle no matter how hard to try to help them, new demands from the state which includes a grand total of about 3 whole school weeks of ISTEP testing, plus an additional 4 weeks per year of Acuity testing (which is basically like an ISTEP, but doesn't "count" against you in the state's eyes), which leaves very little time to get material taught in a way that is meaningful to the students.

Let's not forget about how now with the new teacher effectiveness model, if even one of my 25 students does not show "growth" from the previous year's ISTEP test, (which is all that shows a student has grown, right?), I automatically cannot receive a highly effective rating, and because of that, I may not ever make more than what I make right now, which, in case you were wondering, isn't a whole lot. Because I didn't start my masters by last summer, I no longer have the chance to earn it and be paid accordingly for my extra education. Therefore, there's no incentive to learn more and get a masters degree, but yet I still have to renew my license every 5 years by taking college classes and/or doing other requirements.

I have never, ever wanted anyone to feel sorry for me in the profession I chose and for the most part, enjoy. However, I would have expected a little more respect for the work that I (and my teaching colleagues) do, and a little less resentment over the summer break that I do feel I have earned. If we need to stop complaining or quit...then I would invite the haters to stop hating or get your teacher's license.

There are no words.

I've been trying to find the words.

And then I saw this.

It's an often occurrence when Noelle toddles up to me as I am kneeling on the floor and proudly shouts, "Mama!" and then throws her arms around my neck. We probably look a lot like this picture. Both smiling. She squeezes me as I hold her close. 

How does it go from A to Z...from that photo above to a baby lying dead in a swamp with duct tape on her mouth? How are there no explanations, no reasonings, no truths, and now no consequences? How do you celebrate that your own life is spared but that sweet little girl will never be able to throw her arms around your neck again?

How is that the "Beautiful Life?"

The beautiful life, Casey, is waking up to your daughter bouncing in her crib and excitedly chanting "more!" in anticipation of breakfast.

The beautiful life, Casey, is watching her wear your sunglasses around her neck as if they are a necklace.

The beautiful life, Casey, is playing in a swimming pool, swinging on a swing, or going down a slide as her curls blow in your face. 

The beautiful life, Casey, is watching her face light up the first time she eats ice cream or bounce up and down to the tune of a favorite song.

The beautiful life, Casey, is reading stories to her and listening as she points out the objects on a page and calls them by name.

The beautiful life, Casey, is changing the diapers, waking up at 3 a.m., holding her when she cries, and caring for her when she's sick. It's beautiful even when it is not easy.

We spend so much time telling and teaching our children that lying is wrong. That you should own up to your mistakes. That you should take responsibility for your actions. That you should be a kind and loving person to others. The verdict that the jurors handed down yesterday not only served no justice for that poor baby girl, but it completely goes against any morals we try to instill in our children. 

Soon, she will be free. She will be free to live the life she wanted without Caylee. She can dance on tables and enter hot body contests and wear the American flag as a toga until her heart is content. 

She may have her freedom, but as long as my little girl is throwing her arms around my neck, I am the one with the beautiful life. 

Air it out

I have some thoughts that I would like to get off my chest. And since my husband is nowhere to be found (i.e. somewhere on the ICU floor of St. Vincent's Hospital), and since Noelle is napping, I am just going to air it out right here.

1) I find Jennifer Hudson's weight loss via Weight Watchers to be incredible. However, her obnoxious, exaggerated rendition of "Feeling Good" on the commercial really, really annoys me. I mean...wasn't she an Idol reject?

2) The amount of celebrities getting pregnant lately is super annoying-- not because they aren't allowed, but because 90% of them are not married and are continuing to glamorize unwed pregnancy. In the real world, you don't have enough money to pay for 3 nannies, expensive baby equipment, and the best health insurance. It is hard enough to do it married...let alone by yourself. In the real world, no one has a camera in your face taking a picture of how fabulous you look 35 weeks pregnant and how equally amazing you look 2 weeks after having a baby. Why? Because normal people DON'T look that fabulous and no one cares about you...obviously. Things happen...people get pregnant...but I just don't understand why we continue to make it appear to be the easiest thing in the world to bear a child and then raise a good human being...when it clearly is the most difficult, challenging, (albeit rewarding) experience responsibility you could ever take on. And...no matter how much MTV tries to steer girls away from teen pregnancy by showing the hardships these girls on Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant face each day, they still can't deny paying these girls $280,000 per season and giving them the avenues to wind up on the covers of magazines. Not normal. Not fair. Not helping the situation at all.

3) I am really astonished at how many people my age are going through or have gone through a divorce. I learned of three couples who have called it quits just last night in one dinner with a friend. For one girl, this will be her 2nd divorce...and she is my age. What's the issue? Are we really getting married too young and then simply growing up and growing apart? Are we getting married for the wrong reasons? Are we not well-versed in communication skills? Are we allowed to give up too easily in other areas of life and then it just translates over to the marriage? I also wonder if maybe this is a side effect of my generation growing up with a lot more divorced parents than the generations before us. Of course there are situations that arise that definitely warrant filing for divorce. I am not trying to say you should stick it out at all costs, no matter what, but I am just overwhelmed with sadness as I can still see the couples' wedding pictures floating around on Facebook...and they seemed so happy. What happened between then and now?

OK. I feel better.

Deep breaths

I have had a rough start to the school year. My kids are trying and testing me the way they did when I was a first year teacher. I am stressed, strung out, and not enjoying really any aspect of my life right now...that is except for Noelle, of course! The highlight of my day is picking her up and taking her home. Of course I could do without the hour drive in between, but I have learned to tell myself, "Suck it up and do it" over and over again until I go numb.

I am praying that I get my life together soon. I am disorganized, discombobulated, disconnected...I just want to do my job and do it well, and then come home and be with my family. Is that too much to ask?

In other news, I am taking pictures of babies/kids/families every weekend (Saturday, Sunday, or sometimes both) in September and October (aside from our Nashville mini-vacation). I am excited about this, but this makes me even busier! Oh well...it's good stuff.

Here's Noelle's latest teddy bear picture to cheer you up. Oh, you didn't need cheering up? Oops. I meant....cheer me up. Sigh.

Happy Friday

Because I am a teacher striving for excellence and trying to avoid doing the same ol' thing over and over again...I decided to do an Egg Drop Experiment with my kids. Two weeks ago, they were given an assignment to go home and design a contraption that will protect an egg from breaking when it is dropped on concrete. This was to practice the scientific method and all that good stuff.

Today was drop day, so I needed eggs. Last night was Open House, and I wasn't home until 9:30. I didn't want to go to the store at that time, so I decided to get them this morning. I dropped Miss Noelle off at daycare at around 7:05, so I had plenty of time to get the eggs.

In case you were wondering if gas stations (namely, the VP at Morrison and McGalliard in Muncie) sold eggs...that would be a big, fat NO! I saw Totino's pizzas and milk and of course every kind of chip and candy every produced, but no eggs. I then said to myself..."What the hell...get a donut." So I did.

I then went to Marsh or Lo Bill or whatever it is called these days. Indy ones are open 24 hours. This was was open at 8. It was 7:15. So...the decision was made. I had to brave...the Wal-Mart.

I hauled ass to the bag where the eggs were, grabbed 2 dozen, and then I hoofed it back up to the front. OF COURSE only one lane would be open with 10 people standing in line. After frantically looking for another cashier to open, I saw a light on at the other end of the store. I booked it over there and found it to be a 10 Items or Less lane. YES!

Well...it was there that I found a lady with her cart FULL of items...like...100 items...complete with potatoes and coke on the bottom of her cart. She was taking her sweet time and apparently not reading the sign on the aisle she was standing in. "10 ITEMS OR LESS!" NOT "OH, YOU HAVE MORE THAN 10? GO AHEAD. 100 IS CLOSE TO 10 ANYWAY!"

I  then started thinking all kinds of mean, inappropriate thoughts to myself...such as..."I have a JOB to go to, what about you?" and "Can you not READ?" and "Take your sweet time, Princess." Oh, I was so mad. If I had had cash, I would have thrown it at the register and taken my eggs shouting, "Keep the change!"

Finally, she finished...and her total was $192 if that tells you anything about how full her cart was. She even had to buy a box of ever-so-classy Wally World perfume that was locked in a plastic box that had to have a special little tool to open. Gah. The horror!

When she finished, a young man ahead of me put his stuff up on the counter. Two packages of Hanes boxer briefs in...wait for it...camo print. Mmmmmm. Remind me to get some for Luke soon.

I finally paid for my eggs and ran for the door. I made it to school right at 7:40, which is the time I have to be there. The egg drop was successful and fun. The kids had a great time checking their contraptions to see if they passed each level of challenges. We dropped them first from shoulder height, then chair height, then 6 foot ladder height, then top of the bleachers height. I had a kid bring in a Rubbermaid container of OATMEAL and put his egg in it. The egg didn't break, so I guess the idea was a success. I also had a girl bring a baggie of water and put her egg in it. She wasn't so lucky. She ended up with a wet mess and a broken egg. Oh well...good times!

Series of Unfortunate Events

Yesterday was my first day of school with my students. I put on a cute pink shirt I bought at Ann Taylor Loft this summer. I liked it.

Thankfully, I decided to wear my hair curly yesterday because it ended up raining, HARD, all the way to school. Straight hair would have been a hot (and frizzy) mess.

I took Noelle to daycare for the 3rd day in a row. No, it hasn't gotten easier. I still hate taking her there, despite the nice people she's with and the smooth transition we have had. I still wish that I was the one with her all day. But...that's another story. So, upon getting her out of the car seat and getting ready to hand her over, I thought that her butt felt warm. At that moment, her teacher pointed out that she was peeing on the floor! Her diaper had leaked, and the pee was dripping out onto the floor and all over my shirt! Hey, Kids...welcome to my room...oh, that smell? Just my kid's pee on my shirt! I still have faith in the Target dipes. It was a bad diaper job at 5:00 a.m. that I did when I was half awake.

I left the baby girl and headed to school. The kids came filing in. We had a pretty good day. It was a very typical first day of school. They were all excited and talkative and ready to impress me. I have 23 students.

The day ended...I ran out of there to go get Noelle. I am taking advantage of not having much to do in my room while I can and leaving as soon as possible. When I got there, they were ready to give her the last bottle, so I got to feed her. While I was feeding her, a dad came to get his cute little girl...maybe about 16 months old. The little girl was so excited to see her daddy that she ran for the door. She tripped over her clumsy feet and fell head first into the door. She smacked it HARD! She then let out one of those silent screams...you know the ones where the mouth is gaping open, tears are pouring out, and no sound is coming out of the mouth. It was so sad. Her daddy scooped her up and held her while she caught her breath and screamed bloody murder. I seriously wanted to cry for her. My empathy button is really sensitive these days. A kid fell out of his chair yesterday on the first day of school and instead of wanting to reprimand him like I would have in the past for not having "four on the floor," I wanted to cry because he was probably embarrassed. I see Noelle in all of my students now. Well...not the kid I find incredibly annoying.

Anywho...I got home, went to Zumba, then began the rat race of trying to get dinner made, Noelle a bath, and the bottles and lunch ready for the next day. I was very stressed and multiple mental breakdowns occurred. Luke got the bottles ready for the next day, which I was thankful for.

We got Noelle down and everything was fine...until we discovered the cats had been peeing in her bike trailer we just bought. Great. GREAT. Cat pee...such a fine fragrance. One more thing to add to the list of "clean thoroughly or BURN."

This morning, I went to get the bottles out of the fridge. I happened to open the bottle bag to check them, and I found them floating in a sea of formula. One of her new bottles totally cracked up the side and leaked formula everywhere! I am glad I checked though, because I would have sent that bag to day care and she would have been short one bottle!

I swear, I was so upset and crazy this morning...it's amazing that I wasn't served with divorce papers today citing, "My wife is a crazy b$%*&" as the cause. I cried my whole way to school...feeling sorry for myself and our situation. I am tired. I am not in the routine yet. I am trying to figure out how to be a wife, mother, teacher, friend, and still have time for myself at the end of the day. It was a really tough way to start the day.

But on the way home, I found myself laughing about it. Now, either I have been granted some kind of sweet ass grace, or I am just going to straight to the insane asylum...but either way, I am happy I could laugh this afternoon.

Now...on to get Noelle out of the car seat (where she is napping). Poor girl...her little butt will probably look like a baboon's by the time this year's over from being in the car seat so long. I wonder if they make an ointment for that...

Why Homeschooling Insults Me

I read a lot of blogs. I like it. I like blogging. I would like to be a blogger. I like the word blog. Blog blog blog.

In a lot of the blogs I read, the women homeschool their children. I read them. I try to see their points of view, and they are totally allowed to have their opinions about why homeschooling is better than traditional schooling because they are writing on their blogs. This little bliggity blog is my space, so I then get to write what I want.

I find homeschooling insulting. The whole concept of it. What's that? You'd like an explanation? OK...twisted my arm...

I went to college to be a teacher. I took it seriously. I graduated with honors. I had great recommendations. I worked my butt off to get my first teaching job (the job I still have today), and I have been working EXTRA hard ever since to keep that job. I love what I do...even when I hate it, and I carry the responsibility of educating children with me at all times. I spend a great deal of my own money on my classroom. I don't nickel and dime the system, turning in for reimbursements for staples, notebooks, binders for my kids, cute chairs for them to read in, etc. etc. I could probably set up my own teacher store in my room and sell 1/2 of my stuff and STILL have enough to feed a third world county (that is, if third world country people enjoyed eating brightly colored posters, borders, letters, and stickers). What I am trying to say is...I am a teacher 365 days a year, not just August through May, and I am teacher from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. Rarely am I not thinking about how I can be better and do better. I strive for excellence, people!

And I would be willing to bet that the majority of teachers out there are built about like me. I know it's easy to be all Negative Nancy and say that the education system is full of old crusties who need to hop off the dead horse and retire away to Central Florida already (and believe me, there are a few-- not you, Mom), but I am going to err on the side of positive and say that I have many teacher friends and family members who are committed to this profession.

I don't know too many bankers, doctors, financial advisors, nurses, (you get my point) dragging home their work in bags with apple appliques on them to sit and complete while having one eye on the TV and one hand on their dinners. People make a fuss about summer vacations saying dramatically, "I wish IIIIIIIIII had a summer vacation!" Well...I have been to school 6 times on my summer break, spent countless hours reading educational reference books, surfing inspiring educators' websites, and I have dropped a nice amount of cash for some new things for my room. I seek inspiration for new lessons and projects from everywhere...I mean everywhere...Lowe's, Goodwill, children's books and more. My mind never quits.

All that being said, it saddens me when a parent feels that he/she could do better homeschooling their child, especially when that parent has no training in teaching or child psychology or instructional methods or state standards. Education is the foundation on which everything else stands...how can you really think that you can do better than professionals when it comes to giving your child the tools they need to succeed in life?

Kids need time away from home and their parents. They need socialization with other kids and adults. They need rules and boundaries. They need traditional school. There, I said it.

Don't parents need a break, too? Do moms really want to make breakfast, clean it up, get kids dressed, brush teeth, wipe butts, and THEN sit down and try to teach all the subjects of school? And when you homeschool, you cannot tell me you sit down for 6 hours straight and educate like a traditional school. I do that for 180 school days and STILL have material I can't get to. A couple hours a day of homeschool can't possibly equal out to the full school day in a traditional setting.

Believe me, I know that there is more to life than tests and standards. I am always looking for new ways to infuse my classroom with excitement and non-tradtional ways of teaching. However, I believe in accountability. I believe in the standards. I believe that if we don't have standards to worry about, we would have no way of knowing if our kids were ready to face the big, scary post-high school world.

Speaking of high school...homeschooled kids are ROBBED of all the wonderful experiences in high school. Making the cheerleading squad. Playing on the basketball team. Eating lunch with friends. Homecomings. Proms. Wearing that cap and gown. How do homeschooled kids graduate? Their parents pat them on the back and say..."Well...I guess you're done now!"

Many argue that homeschooled kids still get to go to prom because they have little homeschool groups that get together and do it. I don't know how fun that could possibly be, but I won't judge that. They say that their kids are safer, they are free from peer pressure, and they graduate quicker. I think a healthy dose of peer pressure is good. Kids need to learn how to stand up for their beliefs, fight for what's right, stand up against what's wrong. They will not be in a bubble forever, and they will have to face this world at some point. The pressures will still be there, and without practice and experience in resisting peer pressure, they will no doubt fail at it....or just live their lives scared shitless. Graduating quicker? Who wants their 16 year old going to college? Why are we rushing childhood? Why can't kids be kids until they are 18? I always felt this way about people who were determined to graduate early from college. Why? College was THE best time of my life. I wish it were twice as long.

One blogger I read said that she doesn't want her child confined to pencil and paper or learning inside. I suppose she will also have a problem with her child's boss when he asks her to complete a task on ((gasp!)) paper using a ((GASP!)) pencil! Most jobs require these two tools. Also, we learn outside all the time. My kids were outside everyday for a week last spring doing cloud observations. We do spelling with sidewalk chalk. We read outside on nice days. We did an XY coordinate grid on the playground.

So, in my opinion (yes, I know it is only my little, unimportant opinion), homeschooling is an insult to teachers everywhere. People not trained in the field are saying, "Teaching, smeaching....it can't be that hard! I can do better!" The "do it better yourself" concept has gone too far. Save it for laying tile in your bathroom or growing a garden for fresh produce. Don't go DIY on your child's education.

Summer Blues

Many times lately, I have told myself, "OH, gotta blog about that!" or "OH, gotta blog about this!" There's a lot going on my life, but when I stop and think about it, it all amounts to so very little. My summer has been boring, people. I know, feel sorry for the teacher who gets to stay home for two months with her darling baby girl. But, I'm telling you, I start school 4 weeks from tomorrow and I can't say I have much to show for this summer vacation...unless you are counting the MASSIVE MESS of a home makeover we have going on right now. No trips. No pools. No getaways. Not really even going out to eat at a restaurant. No frozen alcoholic drinks. No parties with friends. A few highlights, such as Amanda's wedding in Mackinac Island with the girls...and Noelle's baptism...and Noelle's first 4th of July...but other than that....I don't have many warm fuzzies about this summer, though it has been rather...warm...

But back to that home makeover. If you recall, there was a hail storm around the end of May, beginning of June in 2009. Our house was pelted by TONS of hail (I have a video http://ernstbergerfamily.blogspot.com/2009/06/what-hail.html), and as a result, we were awarded an insurance settlement for a new roof (praise the Lord because our roof was the original 25 year old roof), and then we were later awarded a settlement for brand new siding on our house. We got the roof done in October, but it took a while to get around to doing the siding. We finally picked it out and chose a high quality, insulated siding in a NEW color. Yes, no more light blue/gray house. It is a nice beige/warm tan color called Prairie. The siding went up last Friday, and now we are left with the task of repainting ALL of our trim. This doesn't sound like a lot of work until you start and realize that the more you paint, the more you have left to paint. The trim used to be a blue/gray color, and now we are making it an off-white. Luke has been working really hard, and I have been trying to help in between watching Noelle. We try to maximize her nap times as much as possible. We are painting our garage doors a dark brown color, which is a big change from the white they used to be. We have new house numbers, we are painting our mailbox post, AND we got a new atrium patio door because the old one was a piece of crap and let in all kinds of bugs. It also let in WORMS when it rained. Sick! We have made a lot of changes, but it has taken so much work, effort, money, and time. I really want it to be done, and many times I question why we didn't just pay the money for someone else to do it so we could enjoy this time together. But, we didn't, so we have to deal with it. I can't wait until it is done, but unfortunately that will probably be about the time I go back to school.

There are some important days coming up-- like....my 26th birthday on Friday :-) and our 3rd wedding anniversary next Wednesday. Also coming up is the one year anniversary of when I told Luke we were having a baby, which was July 15th of last year. Pretty cool to see what has transpired over the last 12 months.

I will get around to typing up those blog posts I have "saved" in my brain. I am also nearing my 300th post on my blog, which is pretty nuts. I should do something special for that. Or you should send me a card with money in it.

Hope your summer isn't suckin'...

I think I look great...

Yesterday, I watched Oprah. I don't usually watch her show, but I happen to catch the rerun of her most recent Jessica Simpson interview....the post Mom-Jeans-John-Mayer-Sexual-Napalm interview. I had nothing better to do, so I watched it.

I used to love Jessica Simpson when she was married to Nick Lachey and on Newlyweds. It saddened my heart when they divorced. I haven't really followed or supported her since. However, I became a fan yet again after this interview.

The premise was to discuss how the media has scrutinized her for "gaining weight." As I listened to her talk about how even in a size 4, the media called her fat (though the "mom jeans" were a little unflattering). I know how I feel when Luke alludes to us needing to get whole grain bread instead of white, or we need to add a salad to our dinner...I typically blow this out of proportion and say, "What, you think I'm fat?!" I can't imagine how I would take it if magazines printed the most unflattering pictures of me on the cover with headlines such as "PORKING UP" or "EXPLODING." All just to make money...and shamefully, I have joined in on such criticisms in the past.

We tend to forget that celebrities are real people with real feelings. All the money in the world doesn't keep your feelings from getting hurt, especially when you are a woman and being called fat. This insult stabs any woman in the heart, whether you really are fat or not.

I teared up a couple times during the interview because I saw how hurt it Jessica was, and I was really in awe of how she could just brush herself off and move on. She made a lot of good points, talking about how we live to tear others down and criticize others. I also liked how she said, "I think I look great." This is something that women are afraid to say. We are afraid we will look full of ourselves or conceited. We are afraid that someone will say under their breath, "Please...did you LOOK in the mirror?" I know that I am the first one to turn down a compliment...whether it's from my husband or a friend or my parents or a colleague. However, most of the time, compliments are what I am trying to collect when I put on a new outfit or spend extra time on my hair.

Just a week ago, I felt humiliated because a girl I don't even know criticized my hair on TV. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. But if I like my hair, why the hell should I care what she thinks?

There is such pressure on us as females to be perfect...to look perfect...to be the perfect weight. I scrutinize every crumb that goes into my mouth. I have been busting my ass at the gym. No, I am not suuuuuper happy with the size that I am, but why can't I just be satisfied that I am a healthy, young woman who had a baby 4 months ago? I might have a flabbier belly than I did when I was 16, but I also have a lot of things I didn't have when I was 16...like...a job, and a bank account with money in it, and a house, and a car that I pay for, and a husband, and a daughter. Why would I want to be 16 again anyway?

I made a pact with myself after that Oprah episode that I would only workout if it was FUN for me and I enjoyed it. I wouldn't torture myself for no reason. When it stopped being fun, I would quit. Life is too short to dread going to a gym...let alone pay good money to go do something I hate. This is why I love Zumba. I look forward to it, and I get a good workout. I also told myself that I wouldn't hate myself for eating a piece of pie that I slaved away over while following a recipe from my grandma's 1956 Betty Crocker cookbook. I should be proud that I made it and enjoy that it tastes wonderful. I shouldn't hate myself for eating it. Should I eat a piece every day for a week? Probably not.

We can all have goals to look like swimsuit models, but chances are, we are not going to achieve them. All we can do is the best we can do...and we need to love ourselves along the way. I really think we call could benefit from saying what Jessica says as we look in the mirror. "I think I look great."

5 Minutes of Fame

What do a fair queen, honey queen, author/hair stylist, music group, and three mid-twenties nobodies have in common? They were all on My Indy Style on WISH TV on Tuesday. Oh yeah, and one of those mid-twenties nobodies was me.

I got roped into being on this Indianapolis Today Show-type show under the premise that I was a medium hair model for a segment about the right hair style for your face shape. OK. I will do it. I have been told my hair style is cute for my round face, so how bad could it be. Plus, my partner in crime, E, was doing it, too.

We arrived at WISH TV at around 8:00 a.m., which was a half hour earlier than we were supposed to be there. Oops. Newbies. We were let in anyway, and we were taken back to the studio to wait.

This was the cool part. We go to see where they shoot the news, and we saw the weather guy give his report. Pretty cool. But, like I said. That was the cool part.

Commence awkwardness and humiliation.

We met the author/hair stylist that we would be working with for the segment. She looked about our age, and her mom was there as her publicist. E tried to generate conversation with this girl, and it was like speaking to a wet blanket...or flag pole...or mannequin. I know for a fact that Noelle has more personality and can better express herself verbally than this girl. After a few awkward exchanges, we stopped trying to talk to her and just laughed amongst ourselves.

Other people who were going to be on the show started filing in. This is where we met the Marion Count Fair Queen. What a gem. Seriously. She's a doll, really. After asking her if she loves pageants, she so eloquently responded, "No. That would be a HELL no." She was there with her mom who never stopped playing with her iPhone and her pageant program director who was dressed as a zookeeper and had a hair style that would make Rod Stewart jealous. The Fair Queen proceeded to tell us that winning the pageant was not about being beautiful, but it was about just "having fun" and meeting the other girls. Mmmk. Good to know that I could have captured that Delaware County Fair Queen title when I was 16 if I would have not cared about how beautiful I was and just concentrated on meeting the other girls. She also said that she is an athlete and pageants are not her thing. She quickly corrected herself, "not saying that pageant girls can't be athletes." Dang girl...you have a way with words! Look out Miss America! She shared her aspiration of wanting to be a 500 Princess because you get "lots of free stuff" and get to do "fun things all week." I shared with her that my sorority sister was 500 Queen a couple years ago, thinking to myself that I had more of a chance of being crowned 500 Queen than this chick.

Now introducing....America's Honey Queen! Dressed as a 45 year old city hall employee, she seemed to be the most legit celebrity in the room. Afterall, Indiana hasn't had an America's Honey Queen (who spreads information about beekeeping) in over 50 years.

OK, Honey Queen was the most legit celebrity until Natural Seven came in (but only 3 of the 7), which is an a cappella group that opens for Michael Buble. They make musical instrument noises with their mouths. One looked like John Legend with shades on.

So, back to the author/hair stylist and her mom. Mommy Dearest handed us a copy of her daughter's book while her daughter sat on the chair with the most vacant look on her face as we pretended to be interested in her book. I mean, she could have been solving nuclear equations or thinking of a new health care reform bill, though highly doubtful. This book gave me great hope that I too can write a book. Afterall, it was a compilation of internet stock photos of various hair styles and face shapes, divided into categories such as oval, round, square, heart, etc. I think I will be contacting her publisher and submitting my manuscript next week.

She proceeded to tell us that she has been looking at people's face shapes since she was 4 years old. Really? She also said she has a tendency to be brutally honest and tell people that they need a different hair style. This should have been red flag number 78 and I should have just made my way to the exit at that point. Red flag number 1 should have been that her own hair was sporting the skunk stripe look (dark brown with blonde chunks) and her mom looked like she ordered the Kate Gosselin wig that was flying off the shelves for Halloween of 2008.

The show began with the well-spoken, poised Fair Queen and her zookeeper, I mean, pageant director. We watched her interview from back stage. When asked what the best part about being the fair queen was, she said that she got to drive a mustang for a week. Tax dollars at their best???

At the 2nd commercial break, it was time for us to go on set. We sat on our stools and tried to suck it in and sit up tall while we watched the host pull teeth...I mean...interview the author/hair stylist. After 2 agonizing minutes, they came to us, the models, and examined our face shapes and hair styles. The first victim/model was Bev, and lemme tell ya about Bev. She's gorgeous. Thin, beautiful, and gorgeous with long blonde hair. When the first thing the girl said about Bev was that her hair was dragging down her face, I knew it was going to be bad. If she had criticism for her, what would she say about me? (red flag number 101) It was too late to run as it was live TV, so I just stayed in my mouse trap and said a prayer for skunk lady to be kind.

After standing in front of me with her ass to the camera for what seemed like 20 minutes (more like 20 seconds), and pulling my hair back (that I had freshly washed and styled) with her fingers, analyzing me and giving me a look as if to say, "This...this is not good. This is beyond repair. Shave it off and buy a wig." She finally spoke and said that I have narrow temples and a wide jaw, like a pear, and the curls around my face are adding extra weight. I need short hair with volume at the top (like a mushroom??) and my face would lose 15 lbs. Wow. I didn't know that one could lose 15 lbs in their face and still have a face left. Hey camera kid...could you please stop filming my 25 lb. face and let me make an exit while I still have some dignity??

Cut to E with her 1/2" long hair. She said that to highlight her cheek bones, she needs long hair. She also said her face is skinny and she needs to make it appear wider. Well, I don't know how the skunk species does it but we humans like for our faces to be skinny. We don't want them to be wider.

After 5 grueling minutes, the segment was over. Mommy Dearest made sure to get our addresses so she could mail us a book. Goody...I will be waiting at the mailbox for it. I can't wait to see what innovative Google images of pear faces she copy/pasted into the book. Her mom also made it a point to tell me that her daughter wasn't calling me fat, she was just trying to help. Oh, why thank you for that clarification, now that the cameras aren't still rolling.

As we made our way to the car, we couldn't stop laughing about how awful it was. We received our share of text messages from our fans, telling us that skunk lady didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't help but kick myself for posting on my Facebook for everyone to watch the show. Now an extra 10 people watched and witnessed my public humiliation. My immediate thought was...I need a drink! It was only 10:00 a.m.

I returned home to my mom and Noelle...and we watched the DVR recording. Yep...just as painful the 2nd time around! I promptly deleted it so Luke couldn't watch it. He has to see my extra large face in person...he doesn't need to see it on our 37" flat screen.

I moped about it all day and may or may not have cried about it. But...it's over...it's a memory...and Noelle still smiles at me all the same. And hey...maybe the next time you see me, I will be rockin' a mushroom top.

Unsettled

How can this be? How can I be sitting here with all I have ever wanted (minus new carpet and and an SUV) and still have this aching, burning, about to break feeling in my heart? I am feeling so melancholy...so on the verge of tears. Maybe it's because I feel like God is preparing me for something big...something scary...something new.

Things are not often "light" at our house. Luke goes to school before 5 a.m. each day and returns home usually no earlier than 7:30 at night. We don't see much of each other, and what we do see is two tired individuals who have poured every ounce of happiness into Noelle. We don't have much left over for each other lately, which sucks because we are just a week and some change away from being separated for the month of July.

Yeah, you heard it...might as well call me a single mom for July because he will be at UK in Lexington doing an "away rotation." I can't help but be really angry and sad about this deep in my heart, but I am doing my best to suck it up and take one for the team. I am angry because medical school doesn't care about your family. It doesn't care if you have a 3 month old at home and a wife who has a summer off who would love to spend it with you. Nope. It says you better go away from your family so you can look better on your residency application, because you haven't already done enough. I hate being alone. I don't sleep when I am alone. The responsibility of caring for Noelle entirely by myself feels so heavy that I don't know if I can do it. Yes, I know I HAVE to do it...but I think it sounds like a sucky way to spend the last month of my break...alone and forcing myself to wake up and get through it. I am trying not to be resentful of Luke, because I know he needs to do this, but if I hear one more time from someone how this will be a "great opportunity" or "oh, that sounds cool!" or "the time will fly by," I think I might go for the jugular. Where are the females behind me saying, "Oh honey, that is NOT cool to leave your wife and daughter for a month. Screw med school!"?

As we near the end of the summer, we are also nearing a pretty huge decision for Luke...which is what the heck do you want to be when you grow up, Mister? He tosses this question around daily. It kills me to see him so conflicted. He has a lot of pressure on his "cone shoulders" (hehe, inside joke), and it is really dominating all of our thoughts and conversations. It is also dominating our prayers because I find myself praying DAILY for him to reach a conclusion that he is happy with so that we can all move on with our lives. And by daily, I mean...I pray when I am folding the laundry, feeding Noelle, ironing the quilt I am making, watching TV, etc, etc. I have no free moments in my day where I am NOT praying for this decision. If you pray, I ask that you do as well.

My heart is breaking for a lot of people right now. Too much for me to verbalize or even process on here. I just want there to be some peace...peace so I can sleep tonight and not go to bed with a tummy ache. Peace so I can know that all will be well. Everything feels so unsettled, and there are few things I hate more in this life than that feeling.

Sigh....