I got roped into being on this Indianapolis Today Show-type show under the premise that I was a medium hair model for a segment about the right hair style for your face shape. OK. I will do it. I have been told my hair style is cute for my round face, so how bad could it be. Plus, my partner in crime, E, was doing it, too.
We arrived at WISH TV at around 8:00 a.m., which was a half hour earlier than we were supposed to be there. Oops. Newbies. We were let in anyway, and we were taken back to the studio to wait.
This was the cool part. We go to see where they shoot the news, and we saw the weather guy give his report. Pretty cool. But, like I said. That was the cool part.
Commence awkwardness and humiliation.
We met the author/hair stylist that we would be working with for the segment. She looked about our age, and her mom was there as her publicist. E tried to generate conversation with this girl, and it was like speaking to a wet blanket...or flag pole...or mannequin. I know for a fact that Noelle has more personality and can better express herself verbally than this girl. After a few awkward exchanges, we stopped trying to talk to her and just laughed amongst ourselves.
Other people who were going to be on the show started filing in. This is where we met the Marion Count Fair Queen. What a gem. Seriously. She's a doll, really. After asking her if she loves pageants, she so eloquently responded, "No. That would be a HELL no." She was there with her mom who never stopped playing with her iPhone and her pageant program director who was dressed as a zookeeper and had a hair style that would make Rod Stewart jealous. The Fair Queen proceeded to tell us that winning the pageant was not about being beautiful, but it was about just "having fun" and meeting the other girls. Mmmk. Good to know that I could have captured that Delaware County Fair Queen title when I was 16 if I would have not cared about how beautiful I was and just concentrated on meeting the other girls. She also said that she is an athlete and pageants are not her thing. She quickly corrected herself, "not saying that pageant girls can't be athletes." Dang girl...you have a way with words! Look out Miss America! She shared her aspiration of wanting to be a 500 Princess because you get "lots of free stuff" and get to do "fun things all week." I shared with her that my sorority sister was 500 Queen a couple years ago, thinking to myself that I had more of a chance of being crowned 500 Queen than this chick.
Now introducing....America's Honey Queen! Dressed as a 45 year old city hall employee, she seemed to be the most legit celebrity in the room. Afterall, Indiana hasn't had an America's Honey Queen (who spreads information about beekeeping) in over 50 years.
OK, Honey Queen was the most legit celebrity until Natural Seven came in (but only 3 of the 7), which is an a cappella group that opens for Michael Buble. They make musical instrument noises with their mouths. One looked like John Legend with shades on.
So, back to the author/hair stylist and her mom. Mommy Dearest handed us a copy of her daughter's book while her daughter sat on the chair with the most vacant look on her face as we pretended to be interested in her book. I mean, she could have been solving nuclear equations or thinking of a new health care reform bill, though highly doubtful. This book gave me great hope that I too can write a book. Afterall, it was a compilation of internet stock photos of various hair styles and face shapes, divided into categories such as oval, round, square, heart, etc. I think I will be contacting her publisher and submitting my manuscript next week.
She proceeded to tell us that she has been looking at people's face shapes since she was 4 years old. Really? She also said she has a tendency to be brutally honest and tell people that they need a different hair style. This should have been red flag number 78 and I should have just made my way to the exit at that point. Red flag number 1 should have been that her own hair was sporting the skunk stripe look (dark brown with blonde chunks) and her mom looked like she ordered the Kate Gosselin wig that was flying off the shelves for Halloween of 2008.
The show began with the well-spoken, poised Fair Queen and her zookeeper, I mean, pageant director. We watched her interview from back stage. When asked what the best part about being the fair queen was, she said that she got to drive a mustang for a week. Tax dollars at their best???
At the 2nd commercial break, it was time for us to go on set. We sat on our stools and tried to suck it in and sit up tall while we watched the host pull teeth...I mean...interview the author/hair stylist. After 2 agonizing minutes, they came to us, the models, and examined our face shapes and hair styles. The first victim/model was Bev, and lemme tell ya about Bev. She's gorgeous. Thin, beautiful, and gorgeous with long blonde hair. When the first thing the girl said about Bev was that her hair was dragging down her face, I knew it was going to be bad. If she had criticism for her, what would she say about me? (red flag number 101) It was too late to run as it was live TV, so I just stayed in my mouse trap and said a prayer for skunk lady to be kind.
After standing in front of me with her ass to the camera for what seemed like 20 minutes (more like 20 seconds), and pulling my hair back (that I had freshly washed and styled) with her fingers, analyzing me and giving me a look as if to say, "This...this is not good. This is beyond repair. Shave it off and buy a wig." She finally spoke and said that I have narrow temples and a wide jaw, like a pear, and the curls around my face are adding extra weight. I need short hair with volume at the top (like a mushroom??) and my face would lose 15 lbs. Wow. I didn't know that one could lose 15 lbs in their face and still have a face left. Hey camera kid...could you please stop filming my 25 lb. face and let me make an exit while I still have some dignity??
Cut to E with her 1/2" long hair. She said that to highlight her cheek bones, she needs long hair. She also said her face is skinny and she needs to make it appear wider. Well, I don't know how the skunk species does it but we humans like for our faces to be skinny. We don't want them to be wider.
After 5 grueling minutes, the segment was over. Mommy Dearest made sure to get our addresses so she could mail us a book. Goody...I will be waiting at the mailbox for it. I can't wait to see what innovative Google images of pear faces she copy/pasted into the book. Her mom also made it a point to tell me that her daughter wasn't calling me fat, she was just trying to help. Oh, why thank you for that clarification, now that the cameras aren't still rolling.
As we made our way to the car, we couldn't stop laughing about how awful it was. We received our share of text messages from our fans, telling us that skunk lady didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't help but kick myself for posting on my Facebook for everyone to watch the show. Now an extra 10 people watched and witnessed my public humiliation. My immediate thought was...I need a drink! It was only 10:00 a.m.
I returned home to my mom and Noelle...and we watched the DVR recording. Yep...just as painful the 2nd time around! I promptly deleted it so Luke couldn't watch it. He has to see my extra large face in person...he doesn't need to see it on our 37" flat screen.
I moped about it all day and may or may not have cried about it. But...it's over...it's a memory...and Noelle still smiles at me all the same. And hey...maybe the next time you see me, I will be rockin' a mushroom top.