Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Goodbye time

It hits me every morning. Same time. Same place.

It's the feeling I get when the day care door closes and I walk out to my car, right before I drive to school and spend my day with 24 children while someone else spends their day with mine.

The heartache hasn't lessened even one year later. It just doesn't feel right. I trust the day care. I like the people who work there. Noelle likes them, too. But all of that means nothing when I think about how I miss 10 hours of my baby's day. I see her for 30 minutes in the morning and about 2 hours in the evening.

I'll be quite honest. I hate my job right now. And that's exactly what it job. Not a passion. Not a love. Not a calling. It's a job. And it sucks. I'm miserable. I thought this year would be positive and easier because I wouldn't be driving 2 hours a day and spending $300 a month on gas. I thought that it being my 5th year of teaching would make it slightly less taxing on me. I thought I had it under control.

But this year hasn't started off well, and it has nothing to do with my class. It has everything to do with state mandates that would bore/bring anyone to tears. The state has sucked my passion from me, and I can't help but want to cling to my baby and say forget it.

The thought occurred to me on Friday at lunch that I could walk away from all of this right now. I could leave and never come back. I could stay at home and post pictures on Facebook of me playing with my baby, go out and about, do arts and crafts with her, clean my house, put things away, unpack the last boxes, sew like I used to, plan meals ahead of time, eat something for lunch besides grapes, drink a glass of wine and BREATHE. I can't do any of those things the way it stands now. I. can't. breathe.

I don't know how to make it better, and I don't want to plague anyone else with my "issues." I just want to enjoy my life, and no matter how hard I try, I can't.

Tomorrow, 7:00 a.m., which has now become our goodbye time, will come too soon. And I'm not ready.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Greetings from Muncie & the at-home Internet.

Yes, I made it two, long, agonizing weeks without TV or home internet. As of about 11:00 a.m. on Saturday, we were in business and I was a happy camper.

You may be wondering what I have been doing lately. You may not be. Either way, I'm going to tell you.

We have been really trying to get the house put together. I care about it a little more than Luke. In fact, I am straight bothered by things not being put together at this point. We still don't have a kitchen table for the eat-in area. We still haven't touched the sunroom, which desperately needs a paint job as well as a new rug and maybe, oh, some furniture. The dining room just has a table in it. Nothing is hung on the walls. Don't ask about the office. So basically, I'm not too happy with the status of the house right now. Luke has been very busy at the hospital, forcing him to work long hours and then be exhausted when he comes home. He doesn't want to do much on the GET DONE OR ELSE list at the end of the day. I can't say I blame him, but I also don't know how it will ever get done if we don't just gut through it.

I have started school. I will cautiously say, "So far, so good." I feel like a seasoned vet already. It's amazing the difference between my first, first day and my fifth. The kids don't scare me, the parents (rarely) intimidate me, and I feel like I have a good grip on my classroom management, routines, etc. I'm quite pleased with the start of the year. Let's home this optimism continues and that I am still feeling good next month or even next week.

Noelle turned 17 months old last week. It's so hard to believe, and I am so tired of saying that it's so hard to believe! I wish I could keep track of how many words she is saying now. It is truly mystifying. The child hears a word once and then knows it for good. I believe it is true that a child's brain is more susceptible to learning before the age of 3. To say she is a sponge is an understatement. She copies everything we say and do...good and bad. We love her more and more each day, and every time I look at her, I get more excited for the future with her. I'm not wishing this sweet age away, but she truly gets more fun as she gets older. I can't wait until she starts putting words together into sentences and telling funny stories.

Anyway-- I don't know what else to share. I hope to get back into the groove of blogging about actual subject matter, rather than just giving a lame update about what I have been doing lately. I just wish I could print a T-shirt that says, "I'm not normally like this. I just moved, started school, and am trying to please everyone in the world."

I hope the real me returns soon.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Stop looking for me.

I appreciate your concern. I have seen the Missing posters. I'm OK. Really, I am.

It's been about 10 days since I last posted. There are two reasons for this.

1. We have been moving like mo fo's.

2. We have no TV or Internet.

Yes, you read that correctly! I have not had TV or Internet in the full week since we have been in Muncie! The horror! Basically, I had the appointment all set up for them to hook up our U-Verse on Monday, August 1st. I called to do this over two weeks ago. The problem was that the old owners did not disconnect whatever service they were using on time, so there were "conflicts on the board." Therefore, we lost our appointment and I have had to engage in some horrific phone tag between myself and ATT. I have spent hours on the phone with them, trying to get them to see that they need to hook up my TV and Internet soon, OR ELSE. They don't know how crazy I am! Especially after a week without Real Housewives of New Jersey, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Teen Mom, So You Think You Can Dance, or 48 Hours Mystery. I haven't had Internet aside from my iPhone, so I am overloaded with photography inquiries, online bills to pay, school email to check, and blogs to write!

The first appointment they could get me was going to be August 25th! Seriously! Then they moved it to August 13th, and that was the soonest they could do it. So, we have another week of this ridiculousness. What an awesome way to spend my last days of summer vacation! Ugh.

Aside from that mess, we have moved in and are busy painting, cleaning, and unpacking. The house was supposed to be cleaned by a professional and the carpets were to be cleaned prior to our moving in. Well, let's just say that anyone who paid money for this house to be cleaned was royally screwed over. There's dog fur in every corner and crevice of this home, including IN the washing machine. I have been cleaning and sanitizing like nuts. It's insane how little pride people take in their own homes.

If you take away the cleanliness issue, it really is a beautiful home. It is spacious, updated, and pretty. We are very happy with it and feel relieved to have signed a 3 year lease. It is in a great location and it takes me a whopping 5 minutes to get to Noelle's day care. I am so excited about that! Once we get everything the way we want it, we will really be happy here.

Of course I miss our Indianapolis home and neighbors, but we are settling in here and trying to stay positive. I will be in Indy quite frequently due to photography sessions, so I will be able to visit my regular "spots" pretty often. Our new neighborhood seems like the farm team to the retirement home, as our neighbors are all white-haired. Oh well-- at least it's quiet.

So, that's what I have been doing lately. School starts in 5 days. I can't believe it. I am not ready, but I am also pretty excited about a new school year. It's so much fun to start fresh with new kids. I have a feeling it will be a really great year!

Thanks for checking on me.