Noelle's Baptism

On Saturday evening, our sweet baby girl was welcomed into the Catholic faith through her baptism at St. Simon. In front of several family members and friends, she was baptized and blessed by Father Bill. Noelle's God parents, Abel & Elizabeth, shared some very sweet sentiments about their hopes and dreams for her, and I just couldn't help thinking about how lucky she is to be loved so much. Luke and I shared our hopes and dreams as well, and I was just overcome with awe that this sweet little girl is our DAUGHTER who will watch grow up for the rest of her life! I pray that I get to see her do all the things that I have done and more-- learn to walk, ride a bike, and drive...go to prom, fall in love, get married...go on trips, meet lots of friends, have children of her own...find a career, be successful, have FUN...all of this and more is ahead of her.

It feels good to know that she is baptized and will begin her faith formation into the Catholic church in a few years. Faith is very important to Luke and me, and we look forward to sharing it with her for the rest of her life.

Thank you to all of our family and friends who made the trip and spent their Saturday night with us. You are all so special to us :-)

A Story for Believing

In all the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives, coupled with the chaos of the Christmas season, it is so easy to become down and discouraged, focusing on the negative and throwing ourselves a pity party. I am guilty of it, too. As much as I look forward to Christmas, I sometimes feel discouraged this time of year. The weather is crappy, the skies darken quickly in the evening, and I typically find myself a little more tense than usual. There's so much to get done both at school and at home. We have Christmas presents to buy with little money to do it. We have a zillion Christmas celebrations to get to and not enough time to fit them all in. What typically gets lost in the translation is our faith, which should very much be the focal point of this entire season. Our Christianity, spirituality, faithfulness to God, and gestures of love and kindness to all should really be highlighted right now -- not all the other "stuff."

Easier said than done, I know. Luke and I barely have time to "squeeze" church in these days, as bad as that sounds, and when we are there, we are usually making mental lists of all the other things that need to get done before the weekend is over. We aren't thinking about how thankful we are for each other or our families. We aren't thinking about the true meaning of Christmas, which is celebrating the birth of Christ and the miracle that was. We aren't renewing or refreshing our faith for the new year. We are simply showing up, sitting down, then getting up and leaving at the end of the service. Both of us have commented lately that we don't feel we have devoted a whole lot of time and energy to our faith, which is something we both truly value.

It seems that each time I start to question my faith, something happens to wake me up and snap me right out of it. Each time I think, "I can handle this on my own," I am reminded of the strength and support I receive from God.

Something that happened this morning reminds me that God is always there. We should thank Him daily for the gifts He has given us (one especially that is kicking the stuffing out of my belly right now-- what joy!) and for the protection He provides.

Luke and I have had a string of chaotic mornings here lately. Yesterday, we both woke up at 6:18 a.m., a problem when you have to be on the road by 6:30 and you haven't showered yet. I put my hair in a pony tail and managed to make it to school on time. I felt rushed all day and off my "game" a little, but I survived. This morning, we woke up on time, but I left the house in a hurry again, not eating breakfast, packing lunch, and leaving my teacher bag with two manuals and graded papers in my living room. I needed this bag today, so I frantically called Luke and complained. Being the wonderful person he is, he jumped in his car, drove to Noblesville and met me to give me my bag. We quickly exchanged the bag and hopped back in our cars. He mouthed to me that his phone was dead. I didn't think anything else of it.

I managed to make it to school only 5 minutes late, unaware that my sweet and generous husband who had just dropped everything he was doing to bring me my bag was having a bit of bad luck himself. Elizabeth emailed me at school to say that Abel texted her and said that Luke had a morning from Hell. I told her that unless something else had happened, I didn't think it was that bad, especially for him. I started to worry that he was in an accident and didn't have his phone to tell me.

She continued to say that Abel explained that Luke had actually run out of gas near 116th Street in Fishers going back home, and he was walking with gas cans along the road. He had no wallet and his phone was dead. Abel, by the grace of God, happened to be early to work in Fishers, so he saw him walking and was able to help!

Abel was early because he was taking Elizabeth to school because she had a bad morning yesterday, which included her car needing repaired.

All of these chaotic moments that caused so much frustration and worry added up to putting Abel in the right place at the right time to help Luke. I am just blown away at the timing of this all, and I know it was not an accident.

I am thankful for my husband who helped me. I am so thankful that Abel was there today to help Luke. I am so thankful to God for allowing it all to happen.

There's never been a more perfect time to thank God for all that's good right now.

Solomon's Baptism

I have never been a part of anyone's baptism other than my own, and to say that I was "a part" of that event is definitely an exaggeration. I was 6 or 7 years old, and I remember that I hated every minute of it because 1) everyone was staring at me, and 2) I had to take my pretty white hat off so some man I didn't know could put water on my head. I saw a baptism in church once where the person got completely submerged in the holy water, and I had nightmares about my own baptism until I actually experienced it myself. Thankfully, my parents opted for the "just sprinkle some on her head" version. 

I was baptized because it was the right thing to do. I didn't truly come to understand what the baptism meant until much later in life. In fact, I am still learning each day what it is to be a Christian and truly live that life style. 

I never thought that I would be able to be someone's God mother. I always thought that right was reserved for the devout Catholics and perfect humans of the world. Imagine my surprise when Seth and Liz asked both Luke and myself to be Solomon's God parents a few weeks ago when they were at our home for Luke's birthday. It isn't uncommon for a Catholic family to choose the husband from one couple and the wife from another to be God parents. You can "mix and match" if you wish. It was such a high honor to be asked, and I was beaming with joy from a place so deep I have yet to find the origin.

Today was the big day...the day where we walked in behind Seth and Liz and stood up at the altar, bearing witness to our beautiful nephew being welcomed into not only the Catholic church but the Christian faith. He was so happy and sweet and adorable...we were so proud and honored and awe-struck to even be a part of it.

Solomon -- we sincerely hope we lead you to the best of our abilities...that we are your support system and your safe haven and your sounding board...we love you so much and cannot wait to watch you grow and learn and explore and of course deepen your relationship with God. We will walk this journey together, as we are still growing, learning, and exploring, too.

I love our family...both sides...top to bottom....more and more everyday.

Principle 5

Humbled.  This is how I felt after I read Principle 5 in the book, "God Will Make a Way." I haven't picked it up in a while. To be quite honest, I haven't really felt like I needed to. Luke and I really have made strides in the right direction since airing out our fears and thoughts and feelings and emotions with Abe & E. However, we got into a heated discussion last night about marriage and expectations and where we thought we were on this continuum of married life....and we found ourselves frustrated and probably quite upset. We have never, ever doubted the love we have, but the outside factors of med school, teaching 4th grade, commuting, board exams, and of course the miscarriage that ROCKED our world 6 months ago have weighed heavy on our hearts and have been holding us down both individually and as a couple.

We discussed the need for both of us to experience some maturation within ourselves...that we have to change how we handle our own life situations before we can contribute anything to the marriage. Bettering ourselves will only better our marriage. 

Well, I felt compelled to read the book last night before bed, and Principle 5 was about accepting blame and fault, and GROWING UP! I was reading the chapter with my mouth open wide, amazed and humbled by not only the words I was reading but the feelings I was experiencing in my heart. I couldn't believe the irony....and then I realized it of course was not irony at all. It was God working for us, within us....

The chapter was about a man and a woman whose marriage was struggling, and the man finally left. The woman initially was mad at him and blamed him for everything like she had done throughout the whole marriage, but after a lot of prayer and insight from other people, she realized that she was blaming her husband for things that she was responsible for. She was not accepting her role in the marriage failure. She spoke about the moment she realized that she needed to get herself organized, find happiness, and grow up....and she needed to apologize to her husband for blaming him for everything. When she did that, he forgave her and they lived a happy, happy life and rich marriage together. 

This situation isn't exactly like ours. Luke hasn't left, and we aren't miserable. However, I am disorganized and immature a lot of the time, and these character traits really affect our progress toward a fulfilling, blissful, peaceful, and easy marriage. Luke was blown away as well by the chapter in the book, and we feel blessed to have read those words at the most perfect time.

Principle 4

OK, so I am not really done with principle 4 yet, but I have read most of it, and the gist is that you are supposed to leave your baggage behind. It tells the story of a man who had an abusive father, and basically he himself became abusive and difficult to be around. He let his baggage from the past affect his current demeanor, and subsequently he was fired from his job. This is the danger of holding onto old baggage. This really spoke to me.

I have always, always been a "baggage holder." I have always held onto grudges...I have always remembered the past...I have always confronted myself with things from my past that I would rather not remember but always do....and I have finally realized that part of growing up is letting go. I just have to let go.

Things have been really good here lately. Lent has renewed us and refreshed us, and we are ready to see what the next 40 days will bring. We hope that we experience a lot of enlightenment and spiritual rejuvenation in this time before Easter. As our due date draws closer (April 13, day after Easter)...we will be fighting the baggage of the miscarriage. Don't get me wrong, I ache to remember our child daily. I don't consider our child "baggage." But I do consider the sad and empty feelings, as well as the feelings of abandonment and despair, to be just the kind of baggage that needs to be left behind. 

Principle 3

So, last night after I got home from the long weekend, I decided to make some time to read the book "God Will Make a Way." I have found since I read the first 2 principles that a couple of things have been "revealed" to me, and when I read the 3rd principle, it made all the more sense.

The 3rd principle is about wisdom...seeking it out from God and others to help find a place of peace and the path that you are supposed to be walking. A couple things stuck out to me during this chapter. Basically, it said that if you ask for wisdom from God, you will get it, and that God doesn't usually give wisdom ahead of time, but rather just in time. A lot of times, I get so anxious about something and I find myself asking God numerous times to help me with something that is pretty far into the future. This has kind of frustrated me in the past, because I am an instant gratification kind of person...but that quote about the wisdom not coming ahead of time but just in time...it makes sense to me. I shouldn't be anxious about things that haven't even happened yet.

Additionally, I have been seeking the wisdom from people such as Luke's mom, dad, and siblings. They have really helped to not only share their experience and advice from when they lost a child, but they also have expressed concern about our apparent loss or weakness in faith...which is difficult to talk about but necessary and helpful to air our feelings and truths out into the open. 

It's really interesting to me how the principles have seemed to parallel my life, which goes along with the final thought of the chapter. Our paths are already decided and created, and it is up to us to ask for the wisdom to find the correct way. I don't know if the principles of this book are following me, or if I am following them, but either way, I feel like this is right.

Principles 1 & 2 revealed

The last two weeks have been hard, for some unspoken reason. I can't put my finger on it, but as time goes by, I find myself asking more questions than receiving answers. I have talked about this in the Principle 1 & Principle 2 posts (referring to the book I am reading called God Will Make a Way). 

Anyway, I have said many prayers in the last several days. Usually, I am saying these on the treadmill at the gym (and no, not just the "please God let this be over soon!" prayer that people tend to think when they are dying of exhaustion!), in the shower, or before I go to bed. My hour long commute each way to school also helps give me some time to think (which can be good or bad). 

Mainly, I have wanted to make sure God knows that I really am ready to listen and believe that God is in our sorrow...and God will pull us through. In my Principle 2 post, I expressed worry about how to find the people who were supposed to travel this "journey" of healing and discovery with us, and I guess last night God delivered and opened a conversation between Abe & Elizabeth (on our way back to Indy from Bloomington at midnight!) and Luke and myself that we have never been able to have before.

With the recent news of more friends having children of their own, Elizabeth genuinely asked both Luke and myself how we were doing with it. I could tell she was referring to how we really felt deep down, and she wasn't really wanting a "OH we are SO excited for everyone" answer (which, in my heart, I am excited and wish my friends nothing but the best). Luke and I were both able to express our still-present feelings of sadness, jealousy, abandonment, etc. 

Abe & E filled us with a lot of sincere words of wisdom and encouragement, encouraging us to speak more openly about our feelings, seek more spiritual enlightenment and understanding, and to take the time to truly heal from this. 

Abe asked if we ever named the baby. The answer is no. This made me sad....but I guess I have never known how to do that...how do I name a baby I never met, never even saw on a grainy ultrasound? How do I name a baby who had no gender or personality? But then again...how do I NOT name a baby...who was mine? What kind of a "mother" is that.... ? 

Basically, the point to this post was to put in black in white that I do feel like maybe God spoke to us last night through Abe & E...who were meant to be some of the people who will see us through this. 

I think one of the most profound comments Abe made was saying that we definitely have a choice right now....a choice to turn our backs on our faith or a choice to really embrace it and let it develop...we have spent a lot of time feeling sorry for ourselves and ultimately we know that we need to choose to make a change for the positive. 

In other news...we had such a wonderful time with Ken & Jenna in Bloomington. We enjoyed a great Italian restaurant that we had never eaten at during the 4 years Luke was at IU, and we had a lot of fun reliving some funny/embarrassing high school memories. They are right where they need to be...expecting a baby and getting ready to close on their first house. They deserve it!

Principle 2

I read the 2nd principle in the book, "God Will Make a Way" last night. Basically what it spoke about was how you have to choose good people to be with you on your journey with God. You need supportive people who will encourage you and bring out the best in you. You need people who have faith in God themselves, and you need people who are going to be a source of positive energy. This one seemed like common sense to me...I mean, of course you should surround yourself with great people. The question/problem is...how do you surround yourself with JUST good people, without alienating people you do truly care about and have history with?

I don't want to just go through my friends list and start weeding people out. I am one of those women who really "needs" people. I hate this about myself, but I pride myself on my relationships and friendships. I yearn for connections with both my male and female friends, and I just don't feel comfortable "kicking people out" of my life who don't fit the above mentioned description. This issue perplexes me. 

I think what is really absent from our (mine and Luke's) lives is a strong connection to church here in Indy. We haven't really found a place that we call "home"...we aren't members anywhere. We have thought about St. Simon in Fishers. It's really great and seems to have young people galore, but how do we get involved? How do we make friends who share the same spiritual background as us? We really need to make this goal in the coming year. 

I believe in having friends in all "shapes & sizes"....meaning that some friends are great to drink and party with...some friends are great to shop and gossip with...some friends are great to hang out with on a Friday night....and some friends are the ones you  turn to when you have a crisis or spiritual question....these are the type of people I really, really need right now.

In other news...Luke and I are heading to see good friends of ours, Ken & Jenna, in Bloomington tomorrow night. Bloomington holds so many memories for us from college, and we really enjoy visiting when we can. We also are excited to see the Griles because Jenna just told me they are expecting their first baby! How exciting and wonderful for them :-)

This weekend, we will be in New Albany for a wedding shower for Erika and a birthday celebration for Luke's grandmother. I am so excited to see Gus & Solomon and plan to post pictures of him when we get back!

Tomorrow is Friday. Yay!

Principle 1

This blog has been a great/fun way to document our happy times (and even the sad ones, in dealing with the miscarriage), but I also think this blog can be used for us to vent some thoughts and process some feelings. We are pretty "deep" people...and we have been known to be a pretty "spiritual" couple. With Luke's upbringing in the Catholic church, he really has been the leader in our relationship when it comes to religion and faith in God. However, since the miscarriage of our first child, we really both have struggled so much with the question of "Where was God when our child stopped developing? Where was God when we were suffering so painfully?" We have found ourselves asking the ever-popular "why us" question over and over again. Not only "why us," but also "why them..." referring to some other couples we have read about and know personally who have experienced the loss of a child, either during pregnancy or just after birth. Why do these people have to suffer such a painful experience but "other people" (who, in our eyes, often seem "less deserving" = octomom, unwed teen mothers, crack addicts, etc) have perfectly normal pregnancies and babies???

This "faith struggle" has become so significant that we have found ourselves truly at a loss. We really just feel kind of like lost children...asking for help anywhere we can get it. We try to "fill our time" with fun things to do and great people to be around, but when we get down to it, we always have to confront this feeling of emptiness and, quite honestly, bitterness in reference to our baby who never came to be.

After visiting with our friend Megan and seeing her newborn son, I felt compelled to go to Borders and buy a book that would somehow speak to me (and Luke) and help us through this situation. I picked up two, one called "God Will Make a Way." This book is about God's presence during all the horrible times in our life, and giving us 8 principles to live by in order to remember that God is with us, and God will find a way. I have read the first chapter, Principle 1, which is about truly beginning your journey with God. It basically says that you have to accept that you are at a place where you need God to take over, and you have to trust that God will take over. This is hard for me because I am a control freak and, in many ways, believe that people create their own destinies. Well, anyway, this chapter also talks about the concept of "faith" and "believing," and how giving the advice of "just have faith" or "just keep believing" is not as helpful as saying, "Believe in God. Have faith in God." Faith and belief are merely "bridges" as the author describes to link us to God. We have to use faith to get to God. Simply "believing" is not good enough.

I am intrigued by this book and have already said many prayers tonight, asking God to open my eyes and take over if He can. The book explains that we did not make ourselves, and we cannot survive on our own. We needed God to come into this world, and we are going to need Him while we are in this world, in the times that are darkest and most humbling. 

I am looking forward to reading the next principle tomorrow.