The Art of Alone

On Sunday, I had two photo sessions in Indy, and after the 2nd one, I found myself extremely hungry and needing to use the bathroom (I'm pregnant, remember?). I knew that just going through a drive-thru wouldn't be able to help me with my 2nd "need," so I decided to stop in Noblesville at Hamilton Town Center and get some Qdoba.

I was all by myself and relishing every moment. Now, don't get me wrong or misunderstand-- I love Noelle and Luke so much. I love this new baby already. I love the time I spend with them and always want more time than what we have, but to walk into a restaurant without a stroller, diaper bag, or anything but my wallet, keys, and phone, and to stand in line without breaking a sweat worrying about her darting off or getting fussy, and to get my drink without having to take shifts with Luke, and to sit in total and complete silence while enjoying my nachos at a normal speed, not warp speed, scarfing down the food before Noelle gets agitated...it was just wonderful.

There was a table full of high school girls and boys near me, and when I was their age, I probably would have made fun of a person like me. I would have thought that eating alone was the definition of a loser, and I would have probably assumed that I had no life, no family, no friends, no nothing.

How silly of me, for sure. There I sat...alone....with a job, a husband, a house, a daughter, a baby on the way, a family, plenty of friends, and plenty to keep me busy. You see, being alone doesn't make you a loser or weak. It makes you strong and confident. To be able to sit in silence with the person you have created without needing the reassurance or protection or buffer of another person, I think that makes a person a real winner.

A winner-- or just a really, really lucky person who was able to sneak out alone for an hour. Either way, I always feel pretty good about being alone.

'Tis an art...

I love a good 4-letter word...really, I do. I think swearing is kind of fun, even though it is as unladylike and unintelligent-sounding as it gets. However, my favorite word these days is that of the 2-letter variety.

No.

I like saying it. No. No. No. No. Say it with me..."No!" See, don't you feel better?

I have always been a "Yes" girl. Yes, I will help you with that. Yes, I will be there in an hour. Yes, I will email that to you. Yes, I will be checking my professional email on the weekends. Yes, you can get it to me later. Yes, I have 100 things to do but I will make sure that I do what you need me to do first. Yes, you look pretty.

Sometimes, you just want to say no. 

But sometimes, you fear looking like a bitch (told you I liked swearing) in the process. You fear being disliked. You fear that you won't be needed. You fear that you are abandoning some responsibility you have to make everyone happy BUT you. 

I have found, however, that I am much less likable...much less fun...much less relaxed...and much more on edge, if I have been saying yes too much. 

So, I decided that I would try to say no more often, and so far, I have done it twice, and it has felt great and worked out swimmingly. Of course, upon the initial drop of the n-bomb, I faced some hesitation and some questioning. I felt the immediate need to justify myself and provide an excuse. However, I decided that in these cases, no excuse was necessary, and a simple, kind, calm, professional "no" would do the trick. 

We feel such a need to defend our actions. We feel such a need to provide little white lies as to why we couldn't make that dinner or why the document was late or why we just can't be at that wedding...but really, a simple truth of, "I just can't make it" will go a long way. No one wants to be lied to. No one wants to be given an excuse. I would much prefer honesty if the shoe was on the other foot. 

So, it really is an art to say no tactfully, with an assertive edge and a touch of sweetness...and I am learning. I am learning that it is OK to not be at everything, to do everything for everyone. I am learning that it is OK to want to just be home, to be with your husband and daughter, to be on your couch, sitting Indian style (...Native American style?...) with your laptop resting on your legs, just as I am right now, watching the trainwrecks on The Bachelor. I don't need to give an excuse. I don't need to lie. I don't need to deny myself the right to be relaxed and happy. 

No. Try it. 

We are lucky.

We don't have lots of money.

We don't have a large house.

Luke doesn't have a functioning CD player in his car or a working gas gauge.

The damn cleaning lady didn't show up for the thousandth day in a row...

But we are lucky.

I don't know if I will have a job next year.

We don't know where we will be living next year.

We don't know where Luke will be placed for residency next year.

But we are lucky.

And I will force myself to believe this if it kills me.

We are lucky because Noelle is healthy and happy.

We are lucky because we have a heated home this winter.

We are lucky because we have each other.

We are lucky because this will ((hopefully)) be the roughest and most stressful time of our lives, and if that turns out to be true, we truly are lucky.

Negative Nancy needs to go on a vacation.

If it's one thing America loves, it's a good comeback.
(and no, not the "yo mama" comeback you might be thinking...)

Recently, I have been thinking about how many people I know who are on a comeback...maybe even their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th comeback, but a comeback nonetheless. They are leaving the past behind and moving forward. They are trying to do good for themselves and others around them. They desperately need the support of others to do this...and I have to say...I haven't been so willing in the past.

I have always been a "lifer." You are one way the rest of your life. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Once a drinker, always a drinker. Once a druggie, always a druggie. Once a failure, always a failure. If you're thinking of how horrid of a person I am...yeah, I guess you could go there. I don't know if I am that horrid, or if I am just that naive/negative to think that you can't change...but you can think what you want.

All I know is that I am obviously trying to be taught something by someone greater than me about the power of a comeback. About the power of positive thinking. About the power of unconditional support.

And I'm listening.

A New Normal

On my drive to school, I do a lot of thinking. I spend a lot of time in my car alone, so for now it is where I can best sort through my thoughts and feelings.

This morning, I started to feel sorry for myself again. I was bitter that most of my colleagues hadn't even gotten up yet and I was already on the road heading to school. I was sad that Noelle was slumped over in her car seat, fast asleep, while most other babies were home in their cribs. I was angry that I have already filled up my car three times in the past week, and I hate spending all that money on gas. I started about thinking about how short my evenings are by the time I get home and get Noelle set for the evening and how there's never enough time to do what I want.

Then I caught myself. I recently saw Eat, Pray, Love with family and there was a quote that really stuck with me. He said, "Choose your thoughts like you choose your clothes." It never really dawned on me that I could control what thoughts went into my head. I always thought that you felt how you felt and nothing could change that. Well, this morning I tried to choose my thoughts. I convinced myself that this was just my new normal.

Yes, normally, people don't get up at 5:00 a.m. to go to work. Normally, they don't travel an hour each day. Normally, people don't have to take their kids with them for 2 hours in a car each day. Normally, teachers can leave at 3:10 and be home by 3:30 in the afternoon. Normally, people don't fill their cars up 3 times a week with gas. But...this is my new normal. It's my life. I am no longer waiting for my life to complete itself. That happened on March 11, 2010. It is now my turn to live it up as much as I can...to enjoy all the time I do have with Luke, Noelle, friends, and other family. This is my challenge to be productive and efficient so that I can have more precious minutes for the important things in life. This is my new normal.

Of course, I would love to get up at 7 a.m. and be home before 4 p.m. and work 5 minutes from my home. I hope to do that someday. But, until then, I will be thankful for my job. I will cherish any and all minutes I have in the day to be with the ones I love, and I will do anything in my power to appreciate this life I have.

Why Homeschooling Insults Me

I read a lot of blogs. I like it. I like blogging. I would like to be a blogger. I like the word blog. Blog blog blog.

In a lot of the blogs I read, the women homeschool their children. I read them. I try to see their points of view, and they are totally allowed to have their opinions about why homeschooling is better than traditional schooling because they are writing on their blogs. This little bliggity blog is my space, so I then get to write what I want.

I find homeschooling insulting. The whole concept of it. What's that? You'd like an explanation? OK...twisted my arm...

I went to college to be a teacher. I took it seriously. I graduated with honors. I had great recommendations. I worked my butt off to get my first teaching job (the job I still have today), and I have been working EXTRA hard ever since to keep that job. I love what I do...even when I hate it, and I carry the responsibility of educating children with me at all times. I spend a great deal of my own money on my classroom. I don't nickel and dime the system, turning in for reimbursements for staples, notebooks, binders for my kids, cute chairs for them to read in, etc. etc. I could probably set up my own teacher store in my room and sell 1/2 of my stuff and STILL have enough to feed a third world county (that is, if third world country people enjoyed eating brightly colored posters, borders, letters, and stickers). What I am trying to say is...I am a teacher 365 days a year, not just August through May, and I am teacher from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. Rarely am I not thinking about how I can be better and do better. I strive for excellence, people!

And I would be willing to bet that the majority of teachers out there are built about like me. I know it's easy to be all Negative Nancy and say that the education system is full of old crusties who need to hop off the dead horse and retire away to Central Florida already (and believe me, there are a few-- not you, Mom), but I am going to err on the side of positive and say that I have many teacher friends and family members who are committed to this profession.

I don't know too many bankers, doctors, financial advisors, nurses, (you get my point) dragging home their work in bags with apple appliques on them to sit and complete while having one eye on the TV and one hand on their dinners. People make a fuss about summer vacations saying dramatically, "I wish IIIIIIIIII had a summer vacation!" Well...I have been to school 6 times on my summer break, spent countless hours reading educational reference books, surfing inspiring educators' websites, and I have dropped a nice amount of cash for some new things for my room. I seek inspiration for new lessons and projects from everywhere...I mean everywhere...Lowe's, Goodwill, children's books and more. My mind never quits.

All that being said, it saddens me when a parent feels that he/she could do better homeschooling their child, especially when that parent has no training in teaching or child psychology or instructional methods or state standards. Education is the foundation on which everything else stands...how can you really think that you can do better than professionals when it comes to giving your child the tools they need to succeed in life?

Kids need time away from home and their parents. They need socialization with other kids and adults. They need rules and boundaries. They need traditional school. There, I said it.

Don't parents need a break, too? Do moms really want to make breakfast, clean it up, get kids dressed, brush teeth, wipe butts, and THEN sit down and try to teach all the subjects of school? And when you homeschool, you cannot tell me you sit down for 6 hours straight and educate like a traditional school. I do that for 180 school days and STILL have material I can't get to. A couple hours a day of homeschool can't possibly equal out to the full school day in a traditional setting.

Believe me, I know that there is more to life than tests and standards. I am always looking for new ways to infuse my classroom with excitement and non-tradtional ways of teaching. However, I believe in accountability. I believe in the standards. I believe that if we don't have standards to worry about, we would have no way of knowing if our kids were ready to face the big, scary post-high school world.

Speaking of high school...homeschooled kids are ROBBED of all the wonderful experiences in high school. Making the cheerleading squad. Playing on the basketball team. Eating lunch with friends. Homecomings. Proms. Wearing that cap and gown. How do homeschooled kids graduate? Their parents pat them on the back and say..."Well...I guess you're done now!"

Many argue that homeschooled kids still get to go to prom because they have little homeschool groups that get together and do it. I don't know how fun that could possibly be, but I won't judge that. They say that their kids are safer, they are free from peer pressure, and they graduate quicker. I think a healthy dose of peer pressure is good. Kids need to learn how to stand up for their beliefs, fight for what's right, stand up against what's wrong. They will not be in a bubble forever, and they will have to face this world at some point. The pressures will still be there, and without practice and experience in resisting peer pressure, they will no doubt fail at it....or just live their lives scared shitless. Graduating quicker? Who wants their 16 year old going to college? Why are we rushing childhood? Why can't kids be kids until they are 18? I always felt this way about people who were determined to graduate early from college. Why? College was THE best time of my life. I wish it were twice as long.

One blogger I read said that she doesn't want her child confined to pencil and paper or learning inside. I suppose she will also have a problem with her child's boss when he asks her to complete a task on ((gasp!)) paper using a ((GASP!)) pencil! Most jobs require these two tools. Also, we learn outside all the time. My kids were outside everyday for a week last spring doing cloud observations. We do spelling with sidewalk chalk. We read outside on nice days. We did an XY coordinate grid on the playground.

So, in my opinion (yes, I know it is only my little, unimportant opinion), homeschooling is an insult to teachers everywhere. People not trained in the field are saying, "Teaching, smeaching....it can't be that hard! I can do better!" The "do it better yourself" concept has gone too far. Save it for laying tile in your bathroom or growing a garden for fresh produce. Don't go DIY on your child's education.

Zero Tolerance

Several years ago, Luke, his brother Abel, and Abel's then-girlfriend-now-wife Elizabeth and I were riding in a car together. Somehow, the conversation was started about the guys' dream girls. Abel so famously piped up, "Sandra Bullock," but he said it like this..."Soooondra BullOCK!" We all have quoted and re-quoted his words numerous times over the years. And now I have to say that Miss Sandy might be my dream girl, too.

Unfortunately, Sandra Bullock's name has recently been added to the list of gorgeous women who have been cheated on and publicly humiliated by their famous husbands. cough:: Elin Woods ::cough Apparently the tatted up, grungy, wanna-be hardass Jesse James wasn't worth the years of defense that Sandra Bullock gave him to the press, because he proved the stereotype to be true and decided to engage in numerous extra-marital affairs with some of the nation's finest women (i.e. strippers and neo-nazis). And of course, the news had to hit within days of Sandra winning her first Oscar, forcing the media to forget about her award-winning Blindside performance and focus on her philandering husband.

So why is Sandra my new favorite woman? Well, she has filed for divorce. It's not that I love divorce or think it is OK 100% of the time. It's that she was humiliated. She was betrayed. She was hurt. He probably endangered her health by exposing her to STDs. And she has enough strength to say, "I am not going to stay with you and pretend like we are going to work through it. I am not going to stay with you because you go to a 30-day rehab and call yourself healed. I am not going to stay with you, even if you offer me money." She is accepting that her marriage is over, and she is not going to put on a happy face and pretend that infidelity and betrayal are OK in a relationship.

Elin Woods should take some notes. All her husband had to do was make a scripted public apology, shoot a new Nike commercial, and make a few great shots at the Masters and now we have forgotten all he has done. I realize that they have children together, but staying together will not erase what he did or keep his children from knowing about it. Staying together will not necessarily promise those kids a happier life than if Elin and Tiger were apart. Unless Elin 100% has truly forgiven and forgotten (which I doubt, given her lack of appearance at the Masters), the children will be able to tell that their mom and dad are not happy together. Smiles will be fake. Conversations will be tense. Elin will be miserable. Tiger goes on living his egocentric, power-hungry life. Tell me how this is better for the children?

It is NOT ok for anyone to go outside his or her marriage. It is NOT ok for someone to hire a prostitute or pay off a fling with millions of dollars just because they can. It is NOT ok for a person to piss all over the vows they made on their wedding day and then go to a rehab for a month and declare the problem as solved. I think a lot of times, when affairs happen, women are made to feel that they weren't pretty enough. They weren't supportive enough. They weren't adventurous enough. They weren't fun enough. Somehow, the affair is the woman's fault. Celebrity wives who stay with their husbands after such repetitive and disgusting affairs only back up this theory. "It's my fault, so I will stay with him and try to make it better."

I know it's hard to declare a relationship "over." I have been with Luke for 10 years, and I feel physically ill at the thought of not being with him...but I also feel physically ill at the thought of him being with another woman...of him taking hard earned money to pay off the other woman...of him lying to me over and over and over again.

So, Sandra, if you were my friend, I would buy you a drink and give you a hug. I would also thank you for being true to yourself and realizing that the right decisions are the tough decisions. Your best days are ahead!