Two Steps Forward...

...three steps back.

Do you ever really feel like you are making progress, and then you do something/say something to send you back a ways? That's me....a lot. It takes some balls to own up to this, and that is also part of my maturation process. Admitting when I screwed up.

Luke and I have some heated conversations at times, and they usually always center around one topic. Not revealing what this topic is, I can tell you that is something we will probably always disagree about. I can't get him to see my way, and he can't get me to understand his. This is a major flaw within us both...difference is, he doesn't have a blog to confess his wrong-doings to.

Anyway-- I wish I could see myself getting angry and just walk away. But I always want to hang in there for the fight. I want to let me voice be heard, my point to be taken. I want to win the argument. I want to be told, "You're right."

This never happens. Luke is as stubborn as me. I never get what I want out of this, but I continue to try anyway.

Why can't I just drop it?

Blah.

I still have my adult training wheels on.

On the flip side, I had a great night last night with a group of girlfriends. I am thankful for them in my life!

How do you know you're healed?

I have been thinking a lot about this lately...about how far I (we) have come...how far I have yet to go...how far this journey has taken me...how far away from my former thoughts I feel. 

Of course I am talking about the baby.... :-)

I can't help it...but when I think about it now, somehow I feel calm. I almost feel happy for the time I spent in ignorant bliss...the excitement I felt for 10 weeks. I am thankful...because no matter what happens in this life, I know that for a short while I had my own slice of sweet Heaven...something a large percentage of women never get a chance to have.

I am excited for the future. As summer gets closer, I feel so renewed and alive...so ready for the freedom and careless days...I am ready to see what God has in store for us...

I keep thinking about what Elizabeth told me several weeks ago when I was feeling jealous of some women in my life who announced pregnancies....and she said, "The Lord will provide for you." Such a profound, simple statement to make...it has been said many times before...but it provided me with such peace on the subject...and I really do feel it to be true.

If we all could just remember that....that all we need and want in this life will be given to us if we just follow the path that was made for us...if we listen to ourselves, to God, and to each other...and if we live our days with confidence. Why worry?

This sounds funny coming from me. I worry about robbers and snakes and worms and getting fired and getting in a car accident and the health of my parents and my friends' personal lives...these are all evidence of my many imperfections...and my many issues that still need work...but when it comes to my future with Luke and our futures as parents...I feel it in my bones that all will be well....we will be OK....we will be blessed beyond measure. We truly already are.

When I think of all we have...beautiful home, new-ish cars, nearly perfect health, loving family, outstanding friendships....when I think of all we have done....vacations, college degrees, dream jobs, medical school....I nearly laugh at myself for being so ungrateful at times and so wishful for someone else's life. 

So how do you know you're healed? When you have a physical wound...it scabs over, it mends itself, the bruise turns a light greenish color, you can put weight on it again, you can remove the cast, you have a small scar...all are signs that the pain is over. When you have a wound to the heart...how do you know you're healed? Maybe it's when you no longer feel like someone has nearly squeeze the life out of you....maybe it's when you no longer cry when you think about the experience but merely thank God that you came out on the other side...maybe it's when you look to the future without being stuck in the past...maybe it's when you relinquish all control and say "It's out of my hands." Maybe it's when....

We may never know.

BUT...this feeling I have...feels good.

The High Dive

When I was little, I used to want to jump off the high dive. My family never "belonged" to a pool, but whenever I could hitch a ride to the nearest neighborhood club, I would eye the high dive with much anticipation. It never looked that tall from my beach chair. Surely, I could climb up there by myself and take the plunge. I was always mesmerized by how deep the diving well underneath the board was. The rest of the pool would only reach 5 feet deep, but the diving wells seemed so much deeper and more dangerous. 

I never wanted anyone to watch me. I was afraid of embarrassing myself. I was never a skinny child...and I never could wear the cute, trendy swimsuits like my friends. Mine were usually from the "child plus" section in the specialty JC Penney catalog. 

Somehow, I would muster the courage to walk around to the other side of the pool, stare up at the huge ladder, and place my foot on the first slippery rung. I would take my time climbing up, making sure that no jerk-faced kid was trailing too close behind my...behind. 

When I finally reached the top, I would pause for a second and catch my breath. The change in altitude had a dizzying effect. My feet would wiggle on the sand-papery diving board, and, all of a sudden, I would wave frantically to my mom, friend, or whoever was there to watch me....forgetting all fears of embarrassment and just desperate for someone to witness this immeasurable amount of courage. 

But then, with all eyes on me, I would laugh at myself, say "Who am I kidding?", and turn around and head back down the ladder. Going down was always more difficult than going up. Admitting I wasn't ready...admitting I was out of my element...admitting I had no business being there in the first place....were tough pills to swallow, especially since, at that age, I was still hiding pills in my turkey sandwiches so that I wouldn't have to actually launch them down my throat. 

It's amazing to me that at the age of 25 (almost), I am still standing on that high dive, looking down at the water, contemplating jumping into the next, new exciting adventures in my life...but yet backing myself down the ladder before anybody gets hurt. 

Inspired

I don't know how, but there is just something so inspiring about beautiful spring weather. Maybe it is the potential of a fun-filled summer, the anticipation of consistently pleasant weather, or just the simple fact that nature is in full force, waking up after a slow and sullen winter.

Whatever the reason, I feel inspired today. It was raining for most of the day, but by the time I got home, the drops were gone and the sun was out. Our front door is open and the cool breeze is blowing through the screen. I cooked a great meal (Rachael Ray's Shallot Pasta), and now I have one eye on the TV  because Dancing with the Stars is on, one eye on Luke because he is gorgeously perfect, and one eye on my computer....oh wait, is that three eyes? Scratch that. Life is still good.

I attended my first Indianapolis Zumba class. It was so much fun. The instructor was awesome and the atmosphere was so uplifting! I have attended 2 other classes in Muncie before, but never really got much out of it. This class tonight was almost enough to make me extend my membership! We will see...

I have the ambition to get off the last of this weight (15 more pounds...ugh!) and to truly enjoy my hard work. I also have the ambition to just open my heart and my soul to anything and everything...to be available to any opportunity....to be listening, always.

Just to finish this off, I have 31 school days left! Wahoo!

Three parts

I now view my life as three parts.

First - all the days before August 11th, the day we found out about the pregnancy. These days include my childhood, my teenage years, my college years, my wild and irresponsible years. These are the days where my biggest worry was how I was going to spend my weekend and my biggest fear was my phone battery dying in the middle of an important conversation. Things were different, as they should have been. I was always looking toward the future, but the future always seemed a ways away.

Second - the past nine months....from the day we got the positive pee stick to the day we were to deliver the baby, had all gone as planned. Yesterday marked that day, and dreaded it since September 12th, when we learned that there would be no baby afterall. However, thanks to some friends who refused to let us be forgotten...thanks to some family who wanted us to know that our hurt was their hurt....thanks to the kind words expressed....we got through the day. We even laughed and didn't spend the day crying. Yesterday, though it was the end of one journey, marked the beginning of another. 

Third - today....forward. This third part of my life is going to be a time for me to put in practice all of the lessons I have learned over the past 9 months. Luke and I have learned how to communicate even the darkest feelings and saddest thoughts. We have witnessed each other at our rock-bottom worst, which will only allow us to worship each other at our God's-honest best. We have fought, we have prayed, we have cried, we have fallen to our knees....and at the end of it all we still have these bands on our fingers. We are so much stronger, so much more mature, so much more aware of each other. 

Aside from my relationship with Luke, the miscarriage really helped me to bring other relationships with certain friends and family members to a deeper level. In the first part of my life, my relationships with others, though satisfying and fulfilling, never put me in a position where I was truly vulnerable and desperately needed the advice, the help, the love of others. 

Not everything was positive, of course. I fear each day when I think about getting pregnant again that I will lose another baby. I fear that my miscarriage was a punishment of some sort, like I deserved it (or rather, didn't deserve to be a mother). I fear that I will see that blank ultrasound playing in my mind until the day I die...and maybe I will. I am jaded a little bit. I might not have the same sparkle in my eyes the 2nd time around...but I suppose that is to be expected when you see the other side.

Things have changed. I have changed. My marriage has changed. My friendships have changed. But this third part of my life is going to be the best yet, and so I say, change is good. 

Spring Break Summary

Well, here I sit on a Sunday morning....breakfast eaten, and I am thinking about my day. I have to get to church, grade a zillion papers that I neglected over the last week of freedom, take a shower, print some things for school, and get my meals planned for the next week. I am feeling reflective...and, I can't believe it, but I am feeling excited for the remaining 2 months of school.

I am so inspired by people, and I really have a renewed enthusiasm for my career as a teacher, and I am prepared to get my kids as ready as possible for 5th grade. We are writing research reports, reviewing for ISTEP, and reading a couple of novels this month. I have lots of ideas, and I am ready to get going again!

However, I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy this past week of freedom. I woke up when I wanted, I didn't spend $100 on gas, I ate out with friends a lot, I got my hair cut, and I spent invaluable time with Luke. But...I do know that this is not reality. I have to work. I have to be productive. I have to keep moving. 

I have thought a lot about our baby this week. With not very much to do, I allowed my mind to wander and reminisce about "what might have been." Do I enjoy this? No....but is it necessary for healing? Yes. I can now think about what happened and not cry. I can remember the blank ultrasound and recount every memory without going hysterical. I can look forward to the future without fear. At dinner on Thursday with Allison & Nikki in Dayton, I shared some memories of pregnancy that I hadn't shared with anyone....and it was nice to actually acknowledge that yes....I was pregnant for at least a little while....and I should be allowed to talk about it. I talked this week....friends listened....and I am moving forward.

Friday night, I was blessed to spend time with my dear friends Candace, Megan, Alicia, and Allison, and we all got to spend time with Brayden (Candace's 1 month old baby) and Lachlan and Kamden (Megan's 6 week and 3 year old children). It was so much fun to see all of them....I miss having my friends as a part of my day to day to life, but I do know that no matter how much time/distance goes between, we will always be connected. This is the essence of friendship, I believe.

At the same time, Luke was able to do some guy stuff with Nick & Chris...watching games and relaxing. I am happy that Luke's life can also be enriched by friends.

Saturday morning, we got up early to go to Indy's west side to clean up an elderly lady's home as part of a med school community service initiative. We planted flowers, mulched, cleaned up trash, raked leaves and sticks, pulled weeds, and really gave her yard a facelift. She was pleased, and we felt really accomplished. Helping people is just such an amazing experience. 

So, I didn't go to Florida or go on a cruise this past week, but I rested, relaxed, healed, had fun, and renewed my energy for the remaining 2 months of school. Life is good, we are blessed, and I couldn't be happier than I am in this moment!

An Update

It's been a little while since I have checked in. I don't like to go tooooo long without posting something because I don't want to forget anything that has been going on lately. Things are going positively great right now. I really think that Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent has been a wonderful renewal for both of us. Our spirits are higher...our faces are brighter....and this SPRING weather is just what we need. It has been close to 70 degrees for the past two days, and it has been wonderful to air out our house and brighten everything up.

Luke absolutely KILLED his most recent round of tests at school. I am so proud of him. He truly works miracles sometimes. He studies so hard and is so diligent...and it always, always pays off. He was above the class average in his scores, and I am so proud of him. :-) He is now officially on spring break, which means the tiling project can now begin!

We bought some beautiful tile to put in our entry way and both of our bathrooms. The 80's linoleum has GOT to go! So, Luke has been ripping up the old stuff and now is ready to lay the first tiles. I can't WAIT to see what it is going to look like when it is all done. We also are always very aware of the term "resale value," and we know that replacing the old, crappy stuff and putting down a nice, quality tile will really come in handy for us when we eventually sell our home (but I don't want to think about that!).

In other home news, I got a wild hair today at Meijer and decided to buy the little swirly energy efficient light bulbs. I have wanted to do it for a while, but never wanted to spend the money. They aren't TOO much more expensive than regular bulbs, and they are supposed to save you a LOT on your electric bill. This makes me really happy. Plus, saving energy is good for the planet. I am going to go through our old electric statements and see what our average usage and cost has been, and then compare it in the months ahead. 

What else...what else. Really, our hearts are just in a great place right now, and we can't complain. I have really taken the initiative to take care of my health and over the past 15 weeks, I have lost 13 lbs. My goal is 30, and I am getting really close to the halfway mark. We have embarked on a mission to eat a diet full in good foods and really treat ourselves right. 

Life is really good. 

Weeping Cherry Blossom

I have always loved cherry blossoms. I don't know why, really. I guess when I went to Washington, D.C. as a high school sophomore on a school trip, the infamous cherry blossoms were in bloom, and I noted how beautiful and sweet and innocent they looked. They only bloom during a very short time period, and they go away for the rest of the year. For some reason, when I was on my trip, the blossoms were out, and I felt lucky to see them. 

Fast forward about 8 years. I have tendency to go down the baby aisles when I am at Target. I have been doing this for a solid year or so. Somewhere within the past year, I spotted a cherry blossom nursery set at Target. I told myself that when I had a little girl, her nursery would be decorated in cherry blossoms...the ultimate symbol of beauty and sweetness (what every little girl should be). 

When I found out we were having a baby, I instantly felt like she was a girl. In fact, I think I was almost willing her to be a girl. Not that I wouldn't have loved my child if he were a boy, but I was really feeling a girl. Luke felt it, too. I had dreams in which I would see her sweet face. She would have dark hair like me. I was already making plans to have the nursery decorated in cherry blossoms. In fact, when we moved into this house in May, I bought a vase of silk cherry blossoms to decorate the office (which would have been the nursery). It's like every little dream of mine was coming true...

Until September 12, when our world came crashing down. There would be no little girl...there would be no cherry blossoms. The past two weeks have been hell...to put it lightly. I have fluctuated between being calm and sane to emotional and inconsolable. I have blamed myself, I have blamed others (which is silly because NO ONE can be blamed for what happened). I have questioned my faith, and at the same time, I have been reassured of my faith. I have been up and down an emotional roller coaster, and I have just been begging for something or someone to stop the ride so I can calmly get off. 

This past weekend, I reached a place of peace that I had not been able to reach. Seth & Abel decided to organize a little ceremony for our child...and they invited our families to come to our house today after church so they could all present us with a tree...a cherry blossom tree. In fact, we got a weeping cherry blossom tree. The symbolism with the "weeping" part of the tree is just perfect. What a perfect representation of our child, who we both felt was a girl. I cried, but not in an incontrollable way. I was happy. I was relieved. No longer would I have to worry that our child would be forgotten...by us or by our families. Our beautiful little tree, strategically placed outside the window of the office that would have been the nursery, will remind us every single day that we created a child. When our families and friends come over, they will see the tree and know that it is in remembrance of our baby we never got to meet. Even when we go on to have more children (which I am confident that we will), we will never, ever forget our first. We can explain to our children what the tree represents. The tree is a part of our family, as silly as that sounds. 

I feel better than I have in two weeks. I know that I am not "over this." I can never be  "over it." What an insensitive thing to expect. However, I have renewed hope that we will have beautiful children one day, and I know now, more than ever, that our first child will always be a part of our lives.