I just ate Ezekiel bread.

And it was good.

I had some photo sessions in Indy today, which meant that I had some time in the car to think. As much as I wish I could teleport myself to places and not have to waste gas or time in getting there, I do miss the hours upon hours of thinking time that my commute allowed me to have. So, today I took advantage. I turned the radio down and just thought.

My first thought was, "I feel like crap."

Yes, I'm sick. I have a cold. I can't talk. I can't breathe. It's yucky. I don't get sick very often at all, but when I do, I go down hard. So, I was pitying myself, naturally.

My second thought was, "I have got to eat better."

I am not going to Zumba any longer, and I'm hours away from canceling my gym membership to the Muncie Y. I don't like it there, mainly because at the end of a long day, I don't want to run into a) any students, b) any students' families, c) people from my high school that I'm not friends with, d) people that I work with, e) former teachers, f) my boss, g) my neighbors...and all of those people I have run into while exercising at the Y. I tried the Zumba classes 3 times from a couple different instructors on different days, and I just wasn't in love. Nothing about them excited me and I just didn't want to go back.

Oh yeah and I was also asked if I was pregnant while not actually being pregnant...and it's still a sensitive subject for me.

So, I figure that extra $35 a month can be better spent. I need to remind myself to cancel the membership this week.

Anyway-- I know that the basis of losing weight and overall health is FOOD. I went nearly a year without eating McDonald's or any fast food, and now since 2012 rolled in, I have eaten it numerous times. Blah. I feel so icky. I eat a lot of Lean Cuisines which supposedly are "healthy" but are loaded with all kinds of chemicals and salt and other stuff.

So, I decided that if I wasn't going to be as physically active as I was, then I can't just eat all of this junk/crap/shit and expect to look anything other than a fat pig.

I made a mental list of things that I wanted to get at the store to try. One of them was Ezekiel bread, which is made without flour and is supposedly like the healthiest type of bread there is. One of my friends had it once and said it was really good, so I found it in the freezer section and gave it a try.

I made a piece of toast and did put some butter on it, but overall it was good. I actually really liked the texture...kind of crunchy on the outside and then soft in the middle, and the flavor wasn't bad. I'm hoping that this will be a good alternative to bread made with a lot of additives and that it will be more filling.

I am hoping to incorporate other healthy options like fresh juicing, smoothies with almond milk, and eating lunches that actually are made of real food and not prepackaged factory food.

And I'm gonna try to go another year without the golden arches.

That awkward moment...

Well, it happened. Yesterday, it happened.

I got my first, "Congratulations!" as a woman who has actually known me for a long time stared at my belly. I was at the gym, trying to shrink the damn thing, when she made special effort to walk across the room and tell me congratulations because she thought I was "expecting."

It was that awkward moment when it sunk into my brain and hers at the same time...nope...definitely not pregnant. She then began digging herself out of the most colossal hole she could ever be in, rescuing herself with "Oh, how old's Noelle? You must be trying, right?"

OK, Lady. You don't have the right to ask me that question. That's quite personal, and if you really want to know, YES...we have been! For half a year! Do you really want me to unload all of that shit on you right now?

So, I tried to help her and tell her it was OK (even though her comment made me want to shoot myself) and then I tried to get away from her, but she felt so bad that she continued to ask me questions that she already knew the answers to, such as my job and Luke's job and other random crap. I wanted to die and she just wouldn't let me!

Finally, I made my escape, made it to my car, still managing to laugh about it most of the way home, until I called Luke and told him what happened. THEN the tears came.

Honestly, I've heard of this happening to other women, but the first time it happens to you, it just feels like a punch in the face and the gut at the same time. All of a sudden, you feel absolutely ashamed, even though you've been walking around in that body for quite some time now. I started to wonder who else thinks I'm pregnant based on this belly? My students? My coworkers? My friends? My family? That lady I see at Target 4 times a week?

The truth? Heaven knows I WANT to be pregnant. I'm about to turn this blog into a "My Fertility Journey" blog because it is getting that ridiculous, but we're not quite there yet. The fact that everyone assumes they have the right to even ask you if you're "trying" to have another baby is pretty friggin' annoying. What a personal, insensitive question. My best friends don't even ask me that. Wanna know why? Because they KNOW that we are.

I spent the whole day sulking about it. Sulking because it was a rude thing to say (even though she didn't mean for it to be rude), but also because I know that I have to do something about it. It's no secret that I have let the stresses of life get to me, and now if it weren't for "flowy tops" my students would see that Mrs. E never buttons the top button of her pants. I think I was mostly mad at myself yesterday.

So...what to do about it. It's clear that I'm not going to enjoy Zumba in Muncie the way I did in Indy. The style is different...classes are different...people are different. I don't see it being my "thing" the way it used to be...which honestly makes me really, really depressed. I'm going to have to find something else that makes working out motivating and fun.

I woke up early and decided that I better make good use of the time I have before Noelle wakes up, so I put on the 30 Day Shred and started at Level 1. Corny and stupid and lame...but I did it. I broke a sweat. I'll probably be sore tomorrow. And I guess that's all that really matters anyway.

The best part of yesterday? Celebrating my "pregnancy" with a huge glass of wine. Maybe being Sterile Meryl or Baron Sharon ain't so bad after all...

Here's your sign...

So today, I decided, I would not be a fatty. 

I made good choices with food.

I went to Zumba, even though it was as dark as 3 a.m. outside and I was in general in a feel-sorry-for-myself mood. 

And, I kid you not, I woke up and the first thing I thought was, "I need a McDonald's sausage biscuit."

Can you see how I have problems losing weight?

But...no sausage biscuit for me today. It was all Fiber One and a lean pocket and sandwich thins and Wendy's chili and a baked potato (not all for breakfast!...now that would make me fatty, and remember the sign...? no fatties). 

Baby girl will be 9 months old in about a month. What I wouldn't give to see those last baby fat lbs melt away just in time for the holidays...and just in time for me to celebrate having my baby girl outside of me for as long as she was on the inside. 

No fatties...you hear?