McFatty Monday, on a Monday!

I know I haven't done this in 3 weeks, but I wanted to update, and not just because I am back to losing weight again. OK, actually it is 100% just because I am back to losing weight again.

I am now back to my lowest point (other than right before I got pregnant). I am ready to break through this plateau and get to that weight that made me happy.

I am thinking about signing up for the Geist 5K in May. Training for a race is always a good way to get back on track and focused.

One thing about really trying to lose weight is you learn things about yourself-- such as I am not one of those people who can eat the same thing every day. I get very bored after about the 3rd day. I also hate salads that I make at home. They just don't compare to restaurant salads. I also will let 92% of my fruits and veggies rot at home before I eat them. I have to get better at this.

I can assure you though that I have not had anything from a fast food restaurant other than a Diet Coke since the start of this new year! I have lasted nearly 3 months without french fries and nuggets. Craziness! I don't really even think about it as an option for food anymore. It feels great to be free from that trap.

Alright-- here's my graph. Let's hope for a shorter bar next week, too.

Open the flood gates

It only took four days after the decision was made final for me to reach the point of inconsolable. We met with our realtor who walked through our house and made suggestions of all the things we should change in our house to get it ready to be sold. Of course, to us, our house is beautiful and just the way we want it. Definitely not perfect, but we have put a lot of effort into each room in our home. To know that we will have to make some changes to make it more attractive to buyers is overwhelming.

So in the middle of the night last night, when the tornado sirens were sounding and the thunder was shaking the sky and ground simultaneously, I found myself wide awake and full of thoughts. It was a little after 4 a.m. and I decided to just get up, and as soon as my head came off the pillow, the tears started coming down.

What started as a few lonely tears turned into a full on waterworks. I cried until I didn't think I had anymore, and then somewhere in the bottom of my guts I found some more tears to bring to the surface. I couldn't let go of the thought that even though our home might not sell for 6 months or more, we would have to live in it as though it was a museum, and so many changes would be made to it that it wouldn't even feel comfortable to us. I was worried about where Noelle's toys would be kept and how I would find that shirt in storage or if I would ever adjust to our bed being on that wall. Sure...you might say my thoughts drifted a smidge to the irrational side, but I was delirious and sad and tired and to top it off I couldn't make my voice go above a squeak.

Luke woke up and came to comfort me, which was probably a bad idea on his behalf because I then began to unload, as all good wives do. I said things such as...
"Ee made a huge mistake."
"Undo it."
"What were we thinking?"
"I should have just quit my job like everyone told me to and we could have stayed here."

Luke began to get upset, too, and this wasn't one of my prouder moments, but I was literally bawling my eyes out and watching the time tick closer to the time I needed to leave to go to school. I didn't know how I would be able to stop crying long enough to put some mascara on, but I somehow managed to suck it up and get it done. At about that time, I got a call saying we were on delay due to flooding in Delaware County.

I rested on the couch for a little bit until I got another call, saying we were closed. Great. Day before ISTEP. Closed. Ridiculous.

But...as much as we needed to be in school today....I am happy I had a day to recover from the horrible night and morning. Luke and I have decided that we don't have to do everything that was suggested to change the house, and that it is still our house until someone else takes over the payments, so we have a right to live there and be happy.

I have allowed myself to grieve...and to be upset and say mean things...and now it's time to move forward.

The Strength It Takes.

I am fully aware that I have a large following of readers, similar to that of The Heir to Blair and Harper's Happenings. Wait...no? Never mind, I hallucinated. But, for my 7 official Followers plus my mom, I will go ahead and follow up with a post about the residency decision that was made last night.

I will start this post by thinking about some times I have ever shown my strength in a tough situation. What first comes to mind is going to school, placing a smile on my face, and pretending nothing happened after our miscarriage in 2008. I had a job to do, and I had to quickly understand that I am not the first nor last woman to experience such a loss, and the world won't stop for my devastation.

Next, I think about learning how to stay all night by myself with a brand new baby as Luke worked the overnight call schedule at the hospital. I was terrified to be alone with Noelle, and I was terrified to be alone.

Lastly, I think about bringing Noelle into the world. I think about carrying her for 9 months, nourishing her, protecting her, and then laboring to give her life for many hours. I think about holding her for the first time, and in those brief moments realizing that I am Super Woman for what I just did.

What comes next for us in the future months will also require strength. Putting our lovely first house on the market, scouring our new city for another home, and learning what it will be like to have a husband in residency. Can you guess what decision was made?

It was tough on both of us, and it came down to the wire, but eventually we just had to go with our hearts and our guts. We feel really good about the decision now, but we know that we will face some doubt and criticism not only from ourselves but also from others. I am not sure, honestly, which would have been the easiest decision...staying in Indy or moving to Muncie...both had their strengths and downfalls...but no one ever, ever, ever said this would be easy, and not much of Luke's med school journey has been.

I've already cried. I've already questioned. I've already done the "what the Hell were we thinking" dance in my mind, and the decision hasn't even been final for 24 hours. However, I know that over time I will come to love what we have chosen and embrace the new adventures ahead.

When I think about the nearly 1,480 hours I will have spent in my car simply commuting to work for four years, I realize that many aspects about this choice will make me very happy...especially now that gas is lurking near that $4 mark.

One of my biggest fears is my photography business that I have worked very hard to build. I have well over 30 clients at this point and don't want to lose any of them. I am hoping to continue working in the Indianapolis area and making people happy with my camera. I don't want this move to hinder me in any way. I pray it doesn't, because I am only just beginning.

Ball Memorial is now a division of IU Health, and there are billboards everywhere advertising the name change. On my way to school, there is one that stands tall...white with red letters, simply saying, "The strength it takes." I have looked at it each day for several weeks, and this week it has had a whole new meaning.

So...with the strength it takes to go on after losing a baby...
And with the strength it takes to stay over night alone...
And with the strength it takes to give life to a child...

I will embrace this change, this choice, and turn the page.

Untitled (because I thought about it for 10 minutes and couldn't think of one)

Since mid-high school, Luke and I both have been on a set track. We have always had a plan, and we have always done what it takes to follow the plan. Luke has known that he wanted to be a physician as long as I have known him, which is well over 10 years. He knew he wanted to go to IU Bloomington, and he knew he wanted to go to IU Medical School. There was never any guess work...never any major decisions. He has not stopped and wondered for one second, "Where to next?"

My story is pretty similar. I wasn't sold on teaching until my senior year in high school, but after that, I knew it was Ball State for me, study elementary education, and convince Luke to want to marry me upon graduation.

Check. Check. And check.

We always knew this day would come, but surely it would be WAY far in the future, right? Surely we would be, like, close to 30 and old and not care about our lives anymore, right?

Well, we ARE close to 30 (me more so than him, due to my 9 month age "advantage"), and this day that seemed so far in the distance is now looming over us, just asking for a punch in the face. Not sure what I am talking about?

Decision Day for the Residency Match. Wednesday. As in the day after tomorrow. My chest tightened as I reread that last line, and not because it is a grammatical mess.

I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought that Muncie would even be an option for us, let alone an option we would consider choosing. I always thought it would be Indy for us, 100%...that our license plates would read NDORBUST (not really...that would be STUPID).

We l-o-v-e LOVE it here. I am sure I love this city way more than Luke, or way more than what is healthy. I love the shopping. I love the restaurants. I love the parks. I love the events. I love the scenery. I love the buzz of a big city. I love knowing that I have only begun to understand all that the city has to offer us as a family, and I am not ready to leave. I love our home and the memories we have here.

I have reached a point where I am so tired of being on this roller coaster ride...this "Guess what? I love ______________________ program and we are going _______________ for residency," and then hearing the polar opposite the next day. I finally get myself to come to terms with the choice he has made, and then he changes it on me again.

I know that I don't deserve the sympathy in this situation, but we have been in a complete state of anxiety and unsettlement for several months, and it is really taking its toll on me as a person as well as our relationship.

By Wednesday, Luke has to make the decision, and I have told him more than once to just make the choice and tell me which one he chooses...not because I don't care, but because I have reached that level of exasperation. I just want Luke to be happy so that our family can ultimately be happy.

SO-- who knows what state of mind I will be in on Wednesday, but I can only hope for relief and an end to all of the anxiety.

I suck.

I am totally aware that it has been 1 week since I last updated, and that sorry little update was just to tell you I was out of space on my blog. Pathetic, I know. Also pathetic are the people on My Strange Addiction right now...eating detergent and couch cushions. At least I am not doing that...yet.

I owe you a post on our newest nephew's birth, and our 2nd youngest nephew's baptism, and my McFatty DISASTER last week, and the planning for Noelle's 1st birthday party (in 3 weeks, AHHHH), and about how much I am loving my little photography business, and also about this BIG, FAT, NASTY ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM called RESIDENCY DECISION DAY that is HAUNTING OUR EVERY WAKING MINUTE AND EVEN OUR DREAMS...which happens to be on Wednesday.

Yes, all CAPS in my writing indicates a problem. I am stressed out, losing my mind, anxious, a smidge excited, and just a tad emotional, so I am gonna spare you and just update when I get a chance.

Also? Noelle crawled. AND took 6 steps BY HERSELF in the same 48 hours. Is she trying to send me to the "home" prematurely? I have a strict "One Milestone at a Time" policy to avoid giving the mama even more gray hair (yes, I have plucked my fair share of gray hair -- rhyme!).

So, I will leave you on the edge of your seats and provide you with many blissful updates very soon. Til then...enjoy the Nugget.

Out of space!

I reached my capacity on this blog for pictures...mainly because this blog is on the same account as my photography blog. Check it out at ashleyernstberger.blogspot.com when you get a chance!

But anyway, I was able to get 20 gigs of space for $5 from Google, so thankfully I don't have to go back through and take off any pictures. Woohoo!

Not so long ago

Not so long ago, she couldn't hold her head steady on her shoulders, use her fingers to grasp her pacifier or mozzarella string cheese, or stand on her pretty little feet. She couldn't say "ba ba ba" or drink from a sippy cup. Not so long ago, she didn't have seven whole teeth or a head of light brown curls.

Now-- here she is...11 months old today. She's minutes away from walking on her own (without the shopping cart), she wears white tennis shoes with silver glitter velcro straps, and she's just barely in 12 month clothes. Her legs are short like her mama's.

Oh...and she ate spaghetti at day care this week. SPAGHETTI.

I can't believe that in a few short weeks, we will have a little birthday party for this tyke. I know that this is now my life....watching the years go by and wondering where they all went.

Happy 11 Month Birthday, Baby! We love you!

McFatty Failure

Well...I have been putting this post off for a couple of days because I didn't want to face the reality of what as been going on in my life.

A whole lotta this...

And nothing of this...

Therefore...my graph this week looks like this:

Yep. Somehow I gained 2 pounds this week. Sucky suck suck suck. 

It must have had something to do with being home for 4 days due to snow & ice...as well as all that Pioneer Woman cooking I have been doing. Damn her and her affinity for butter.

I wasn't going to post at all...and I briefly considered lying and saying I just stayed the same...but I didn't. I wanted to be honest and admit that something must need tweaking around here because I have a big goal to reach by the time my vacation to Kiawah comes around in 114 days. 

You might be wondering if I have picked back up the fast food habit. The answer would be a big, fat, muffin top NOOOOOO! I haven't had a burger, fry, nugget, or anything of the sort from any fast food restaurant since way back in 2010. I am extremely proud of this. However, I must admit I have picked up a McD's Diet Coke several times in the past week. I feel myself being tempted and wanting to give in.  

Temptations are everywhere. At the store, I see donuts, chips, cookies, and other wonderful things that make me want to rip open the boxes and just devour the goods right then and there...National Geographic style.

So...I might have fallen off the wagon a little, but I am going to get back on and achieve this goal... because Heaven only knows how badly I DON'T want to be a muffin top in a bikini.

Finally! Crispy potato wedges!

I love looking for recipes online, and I love looking at the photos of the pictures. Food photography might become a new hobby of mine.

Anyway, what I tend to notice about the food photography is that my stuff never looks like it does in the pictures, especially when it comes to anything that is supposed to be breaded or crispy. Instead of golden brown and even-textured, my food usually looks like the breading is half falling off and not all the way done. Not cool.

However, I found a site that actually shows videos on how to make the food, which was particularly helpful when I wanted to make crispy potato wedges as a side to last night's dinner!

Here is watcha do--

Preheat oven to 425.

1. Get potatoes. I used 4 medium-ish red skinned potatoes (because that is all we had, and Luke didn't have his phone with him when he went to the store last night, so when I called him to ask for Idaho potatoes, his phone was actually ringing under a pillow on our couch).

2. Wash potatoes.

3. Cut potatoes in half length-wise, and then cut each half in half again, length-wise. Now you have four wedges per potato.

4. Put potatoes in a large bowl.

5. Collect 'yer spices. I used paprika, italian seasoning, and plenty of salt.

6. Dump spices on potatoes.

7. Drizzle olive oil on potatoes and then mix around the oil and spices so that each potato is evenly coated.

8. Place potato wedges on a baking sheet. Start them out laying on one of the cut edges of the wedges. HA that rhymed!

9. Bake for 20 minutes.

10. Flip the wedges to the other edges. ;-)

11. Bake for another 15-20 minutes or so.

12. Take wedges out and then flip to the skin side and just let them sit on the warm sheet for a few minutes.

13. Put on your plate and ENJOY! They were soooo crispy and flavorful and yummy! I will definitely, definitely make these again!

McFatty Monday (on a Wednesday...again)

We haven't had school the past two days (which really means that my Kiawah vacation is already screwed), but the little mid-week vacay has allowed me to catch up on some stuff around the house and on the Internet. My fingers are tired from all the web addresses I have been typing in and clicking on. I loooooove Internet window shopping. I have a whole post devoted to that coming soon!

Anyway, allow me to report on my McFatty status. I managed to lose a little bit more this week, which is a victory considering the fact that I wasn't very good about eating or exercising. The snow + Luke's ICU month really hindered my ability to get to the gym. However, like I said, a little more flubber is off of me, so I shouldn't complain or make excuses.

I have been tempted a few times over the past couple of days to swing through McDonald's and get some food. However, I have not allowed myself to do so because I am really worried that it will rip off the scab of my fast food addiction and I will be back at step one again. I don't want that, so I am staying away from it. I can't promise forever, all I can promise is today.

With our Kiawah trip officially booked (despite the fact that if I miss one more school day, I will be forced to either fly down alone or make the group move the entire trip back a few days), it is now more important than ever to feel good in a swimsuit this summer.