Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Goodbye time

It hits me every morning. Same time. Same place.

It's the feeling I get when the day care door closes and I walk out to my car, right before I drive to school and spend my day with 24 children while someone else spends their day with mine.

The heartache hasn't lessened even one year later. It just doesn't feel right. I trust the day care. I like the people who work there. Noelle likes them, too. But all of that means nothing when I think about how I miss 10 hours of my baby's day. I see her for 30 minutes in the morning and about 2 hours in the evening.

I'll be quite honest. I hate my job right now. And that's exactly what it job. Not a passion. Not a love. Not a calling. It's a job. And it sucks. I'm miserable. I thought this year would be positive and easier because I wouldn't be driving 2 hours a day and spending $300 a month on gas. I thought that it being my 5th year of teaching would make it slightly less taxing on me. I thought I had it under control.

But this year hasn't started off well, and it has nothing to do with my class. It has everything to do with state mandates that would bore/bring anyone to tears. The state has sucked my passion from me, and I can't help but want to cling to my baby and say forget it.

The thought occurred to me on Friday at lunch that I could walk away from all of this right now. I could leave and never come back. I could stay at home and post pictures on Facebook of me playing with my baby, go out and about, do arts and crafts with her, clean my house, put things away, unpack the last boxes, sew like I used to, plan meals ahead of time, eat something for lunch besides grapes, drink a glass of wine and BREATHE. I can't do any of those things the way it stands now. I. can't. breathe.

I don't know how to make it better, and I don't want to plague anyone else with my "issues." I just want to enjoy my life, and no matter how hard I try, I can't.

Tomorrow, 7:00 a.m., which has now become our goodbye time, will come too soon. And I'm not ready.

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