Do you ever just get so sick of yourself that you wish you could just step outside of your body and go be someone else for a while? If so, then you and I should talk.
This start of the school year has NOT been easy, and each day I say to myself that I should just be thankful to have a teaching job and I should embrace the challenges and not obsess over them. Usually by 9:00, my attitude is turned completely upside down, and I am riddled with "Why I am doing this?" "When will this get better?" "I'm just going to leave and pick Noelle up and stay home the rest of the day." Is it really the school year that's getting me or is it, well, me that's getting me?
I have such a problem with expectations. I expect too much out of people, things, events, holidays, meals, etc, etc, etc. If things don't go the way I have choreographed them in my head, I tend to literally WIG out and become completely handicapped for an obscene amount of time. I am getting to the point where I am just trying to accept that this is who I am, and I am no longer trying to change myself, but I am trying to give myself a way to express my disappointment without letting it ruin my whole day, week, month, or year.
I had SUCH high hopes for school this year. I worked in my room religiously during the summer. I have done research, made plans, thought ahead, and after 4 solid years of teaching, I have a pretty good idea of what has been working in my room and what needs to change. I was ready to face this year head on and I declared that it would be the BEST year EVER!
In steps the State of Indiana and the Department of Education. In steps Tony Bennett, not the singer, but quite possibly the biggest douche bag on God's green earth (i.e. State Superintendent) to just ruin all my plans for a good year. (see this extreme disappointment I get?) Merit pay, no seniority, score-based pressure, mandated subject area schedule, and tons and tons and tons of hoops to jump through that require hours upon hours upon hours of work outside the normal school day...I could go on...
However, as I left for the 3 day weekend, I told myself that I would not walk back in those doors on Tuesday with the same shitty attitude I have had for 3 weeks. I have sulked and complained and rolled my eyes and faked a smile and shuffled into school with the same enthusiasm as my kids (which is not a lot)...and it's not working for me. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. My mom has always said this. It annoys me, but it's true. And that's why it annoys me.
It's so much easier to just sit and be pissed and bitch to anyone who has at least one ear, but it never works out well for you in the end. If I put in the effort to be POSITIVE and happy with the way things are, I might be working harder on the front end, but I feel it will pay dividends in the long run.
So, in essence, I'm done with myself. I'm buying a new version of me this weekend and can't wait to test her out Tuesday.
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