2.0

Because I can't suck it in any longer...

Below is a post I wrote about 4 weeks ago when we had our first ultrasound with this pregnancy:

There comes a time in your life when you get sick of worrying, planning, and thinking about what's next, how much money is in the bank, what's going to happen, and who's going to care about it. You can plan and think and over-think and over-analyze until you feel physical pain from it all, or you can let go and let it happen.

And by "it" I mean "life."

And by "life" I mean...

I'm pregnant.

I will not lie...I will not lie on this blog and say that we just wait for the right time to come along. We knew we wanted a new baby in our lives for a really long time, and we would have gladly accepted this gift several months ago, but regardless, we have achieved a successful pregnancy, as confirmed by the ultrasound today and the strong 173 beats per minute heart thumping away.

I am still in disbelief that we are going to be parents again. I can truly say that already we feel different than when we were expecting Noelle. I'll be 100% honest-- it's not the same "giddy with excitement, holy sh*t, what's happening?" feeling that we had with her. I have spent the better part of a month worrying myself silly over the fact that I have about 1% pregnancy symptoms and forget that I'm pregnant most of the time. I had myself convinced that we would be seeing an "empty" ultrasound like we did about 3 1/2 years ago and we would be going through that kind of tragedy again.

But then we didn't see that at all. We saw a little baby, about 8 weeks old, peacefully still and heart beating wildly. We were reassured, and for the first time in a month, we exhaled.

I didn't cry like I did the first time. This doesn't mean I'm not happy or ecstatic or ready to just tell the world-- but rather I just accepted the challenge. I accepted the responsibility of growing this baby into a person, the way we have started to do with Noelle. I felt like I was accepting a new mission, and that I was ready to be this baby's mama.

Of course Noelle is a little young to understand everything, but she will be a little over 2 1/2 when this baby arrives in October, and I hope Noelle understands one thing most of all...

She is my first baby. She is my first love. Having another child will not replace her. Having another child will allow me to experience Noelle in a whole new way-- as a loving, helpful, and playful sister. She was the first to hear my heart beat from the inside, and that is pretty dang special.

We are so happy. We are so ready for this...as ready as we could ever be! Baby E 2.0 is coming in October, ready or not!