Things are not often "light" at our house. Luke goes to school before 5 a.m. each day and returns home usually no earlier than 7:30 at night. We don't see much of each other, and what we do see is two tired individuals who have poured every ounce of happiness into Noelle. We don't have much left over for each other lately, which sucks because we are just a week and some change away from being separated for the month of July.
Yeah, you heard it...might as well call me a single mom for July because he will be at UK in Lexington doing an "away rotation." I can't help but be really angry and sad about this deep in my heart, but I am doing my best to suck it up and take one for the team. I am angry because medical school doesn't care about your family. It doesn't care if you have a 3 month old at home and a wife who has a summer off who would love to spend it with you. Nope. It says you better go away from your family so you can look better on your residency application, because you haven't already done enough. I hate being alone. I don't sleep when I am alone. The responsibility of caring for Noelle entirely by myself feels so heavy that I don't know if I can do it. Yes, I know I HAVE to do it...but I think it sounds like a sucky way to spend the last month of my break...alone and forcing myself to wake up and get through it. I am trying not to be resentful of Luke, because I know he needs to do this, but if I hear one more time from someone how this will be a "great opportunity" or "oh, that sounds cool!" or "the time will fly by," I think I might go for the jugular. Where are the females behind me saying, "Oh honey, that is NOT cool to leave your wife and daughter for a month. Screw med school!"?
As we near the end of the summer, we are also nearing a pretty huge decision for Luke...which is what the heck do you want to be when you grow up, Mister? He tosses this question around daily. It kills me to see him so conflicted. He has a lot of pressure on his "cone shoulders" (hehe, inside joke), and it is really dominating all of our thoughts and conversations. It is also dominating our prayers because I find myself praying DAILY for him to reach a conclusion that he is happy with so that we can all move on with our lives. And by daily, I mean...I pray when I am folding the laundry, feeding Noelle, ironing the quilt I am making, watching TV, etc, etc. I have no free moments in my day where I am NOT praying for this decision. If you pray, I ask that you do as well.
My heart is breaking for a lot of people right now. Too much for me to verbalize or even process on here. I just want there to be some peace...peace so I can sleep tonight and not go to bed with a tummy ache. Peace so I can know that all will be well. Everything feels so unsettled, and there are few things I hate more in this life than that feeling.
Sigh....
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