Colts vs. Texans!

Luke and I have attended two other Colts games (both at the RCA Dome...both were losses!). We got the chance to go to the Colts vs. Texans game at the new Lucas Oil Stadium. What an immense place! We enjoyed watching a tough game that ended in a Colts victory! Finally! 

Cheer, Cheer for Old Notre Dame!

For the third year in a row, my parents have generously treated Luke, my brother, and myself to a Notre Dame football game. It's really my mom and brother's "thing," but I really enjoy football as well as the campus. It is an absolutely beautiful place. I always get so jealous of the students whenever I visit. 

This past weekend had the BEST weather (compared to last year in the freezing rain), so we were able to truly enjoy it from start to finish (through all the overtimes AND a loss). We experienced a jet fly over, which literally raised the hair on my arms, and we also saw the sprinkler system go off on the field during the game! It was a memorable day, for sure!

My brother's girlfriend, Jana, came, too. Chris is trying to teach her all about football and she really seemed to enjoy it. 

I love taking pictures at Notre Dame. The beauty and majesty of the campus just never gets old, win or lose (we have yet to see them win).

My brother and me

My parents with my brother and me

I love this picture!

Luke doing his Touchdown Jesus impression

It took my dad 3 tries to get this...

Halloween 2008

We spent Halloween this year at Abe & E's in their new house. We had a great time getting dressed up, and I think the boys won the award for best costumes (Batman and Joker). However, I do have to give credit to Sarah Keck for her "cholo" outfit. For those of you not "hip to slang," a cholo is a Mexican gangster. If you look close enough, Sarah definitely looks like a Mexican gangster!

I played the part of an Oscar statuette, gold leggings and body dust in all. E was Elphaba from our beloved Wicked play. Maggie was Angelina Jolie and all her babies. Abel was the Joker, Heath Ledger style. Luke was Batman (which he made the costume ALL by himself!). Sarah Ordo and Bev were the "Spirits of Halloween." It was truly a fun night in the cornfields of Greenfield!

Luke's 1/2 Marathon!

It was a beautiful October day...what better time to run a 1/2 marathon? Luke was originally training for his first full marathon (he has done a few 1/2 marathons before), but his studying to the best of him and he ran out of time. He decided to only go for 13.1 miles...what a wimp! (kidding!)

Luke's dad and sister, Clare, joined me in cheering him on at the finish. He was quite proud of his time, which was just over an hour and a half. I truly can't believe how amazingly athletic he is. Anything he sets his mind to, he can accomplish. 

Going to any kind of race event is really inspiring. I love seeing the people cross the finish line, usually with their fists in the air, amazed that they "did it." It truly is an emotional experience to persevere and keep going when you want to quit. I commend anyone who finishes any race, no matter the distance. 

After the race, we had to hurry up and get ready for Jenn & Justin's wedding in Muncie! I had the honor of doing a reading for the ceremony (1 Corinthians, which has special meaning to our sorority). Jenn's mom passed away in May from a long battle with cancer, so it was an emotional day, but a happy one. Her mom's spirit was with her all day, and it was truly a memorable experience to share. Congrats, Jenn & Justin!

Laura, Allison, Jenn, Nikki, Jess, Amanda, and I

Weeping Cherry Blossom

I have always loved cherry blossoms. I don't know why, really. I guess when I went to Washington, D.C. as a high school sophomore on a school trip, the infamous cherry blossoms were in bloom, and I noted how beautiful and sweet and innocent they looked. They only bloom during a very short time period, and they go away for the rest of the year. For some reason, when I was on my trip, the blossoms were out, and I felt lucky to see them. 

Fast forward about 8 years. I have tendency to go down the baby aisles when I am at Target. I have been doing this for a solid year or so. Somewhere within the past year, I spotted a cherry blossom nursery set at Target. I told myself that when I had a little girl, her nursery would be decorated in cherry blossoms...the ultimate symbol of beauty and sweetness (what every little girl should be). 

When I found out we were having a baby, I instantly felt like she was a girl. In fact, I think I was almost willing her to be a girl. Not that I wouldn't have loved my child if he were a boy, but I was really feeling a girl. Luke felt it, too. I had dreams in which I would see her sweet face. She would have dark hair like me. I was already making plans to have the nursery decorated in cherry blossoms. In fact, when we moved into this house in May, I bought a vase of silk cherry blossoms to decorate the office (which would have been the nursery). It's like every little dream of mine was coming true...

Until September 12, when our world came crashing down. There would be no little girl...there would be no cherry blossoms. The past two weeks have been hell...to put it lightly. I have fluctuated between being calm and sane to emotional and inconsolable. I have blamed myself, I have blamed others (which is silly because NO ONE can be blamed for what happened). I have questioned my faith, and at the same time, I have been reassured of my faith. I have been up and down an emotional roller coaster, and I have just been begging for something or someone to stop the ride so I can calmly get off. 

This past weekend, I reached a place of peace that I had not been able to reach. Seth & Abel decided to organize a little ceremony for our child...and they invited our families to come to our house today after church so they could all present us with a tree...a cherry blossom tree. In fact, we got a weeping cherry blossom tree. The symbolism with the "weeping" part of the tree is just perfect. What a perfect representation of our child, who we both felt was a girl. I cried, but not in an incontrollable way. I was happy. I was relieved. No longer would I have to worry that our child would be forgotten...by us or by our families. Our beautiful little tree, strategically placed outside the window of the office that would have been the nursery, will remind us every single day that we created a child. When our families and friends come over, they will see the tree and know that it is in remembrance of our baby we never got to meet. Even when we go on to have more children (which I am confident that we will), we will never, ever forget our first. We can explain to our children what the tree represents. The tree is a part of our family, as silly as that sounds. 

I feel better than I have in two weeks. I know that I am not "over this." I can never be  "over it." What an insensitive thing to expect. However, I have renewed hope that we will have beautiful children one day, and I know now, more than ever, that our first child will always be a part of our lives. 

Bittersweet Reflection

I just went back through and re-read several of my blogs from when I knew (or thought) I was pregnant. I use that terminology because right now I am feeling so betrayed by my pregnancy...by my own body. I can't believe that our child never made it past the fertilized egg stage...that she wasn't growing each day like we thought...that she wasn't even visible to the human eye the way we thought. It upsets me because when I read back through my posts, I was so excited...I was believing all the signs my body was giving me...the nausea, the cravings, the belly swelling. My body was tricking me. My body was telling me that I was responsible for the growth and development of a child, but in reality, I lost the child a long time prior to seeing that haunting blank ultrasound. Luke talked to my belly...he kissed it. And that was all it was...my belly. Not our baby. 

I met with Lisa and my mom last night. We had dinner, and we talked about how I was feeling about all of this. Lisa has first-hand experience with losing a child, even though she lost Luke #1 after 7 months of pregnancy. I can't even imagine...my heart can't even wrap around that kind of sorrow. I was a mere 2.5 months pregnant. Lisa had traveled the journey so much longer than me. 

I felt better after talking to my mom and Lisa. Pain shared is pain halved...so I am trying to just express my feelings to those who care about me so that they can shoulder some of the pain for me...I don't mean to ruin anyone's day or make anyone feel sorry for me...but I am currently accepting all the prayers and all the sympathy (even better, empathy) I can get. Each person I talk to about this has something new, insightful, and sincere to say. I am learning from the experiences of others, and I am looking, each minute I am awake and even while I am dreaming, to the day when I meet our children face to face. 

Starting Over

I haven't written since a week ago. I thought I would never want to pull this website up again. However, as I sit here in my pajamas with my hospital band on my wrist, I have found the urge, and the need, to document what's been happening this week....what happened today....and what we hope will happen in the future.

Last Friday, the wind was knocked out of us. No one could see this coming. When I went to my first doctor's appointment, I had no idea I would come out with an appointment for a D & C the following Friday. I didn't even know what a D & C was. All I knew was that something horrible had happened, and I was supposed to just suck it up and deal with it. 

Saturday, instead of the "family cookout" we had planned to reveal the news of our baby to our family, Luke and I spent much of the day by ourselves. We were grief-stricken and lonely. We wanted to see people, but at the same time, we didn't. Luke's family still got together at Abel & Elizabeth's. This didn't bother me really...but it just reminded me that of course life will go on for others. I know they felt for us, and I know that they didn't know what to do to make it better, but it just definitely proved that this world does not stop turning, even when babies die.

Saturday evening, Abe & E and Seth & Liz (and Gus) came to see us. I was happy to see them, and I think Luke was even happier. For the first time, I saw him smile and laugh. To be honest, I think he temporarily forgot about our situation, as much as you can temporarily forget something like this. We played Taboo, ate pizza, talked, and things were quite normal. On two occasions, seeing my beautiful nephew was too much to bear, and I needed some time alone. I cried in the bathroom by myself, similar to the way I cried when I first saw those two lines on the pregnancy test. I kick myself now, telling myself that the next time, IF there is a next time, I will never cry or question God's timing...and I will jump for joy just for being given the slight chance of becoming a mother...even though now I know that it might not end up as planned. 

Sunday morning, I woke up early and went outside to my patio. In the still and quiet of the early morning hours, I was able to listen to the wind...the birds...my heart. I was alone with my thoughts until I heard little hands on the door, and a little voice talking about Aunt Ashley. My beautiful Gus was standing there, and Liz wasn't far behind. I've never met a more beautiful soul than Liz. Now, more than ever, I wish that I was more like her, especially given that beautiful baby bump she's got that I will never get (at least during this pregnancy). She sat next to me and cried for me, which is more than I could have ever asked for. Her empathy really wrapped itself around me, and she could understand things that others couldn't.

We went to church, which I know was a good thing, but it was very difficult to get through. The music, the message, the children in the pews...it was all too much. I found myself sobbing at one point, making eye contact with a young boy who probably thought I was crazy and scary. It's almost as if God was reaching inside of me, pulling out my pain, and the sobbing was part of the exit process. 

I had a shower for Jenn I needed to get to in Muncie, and it was difficult to drive an hour by myself. However, I did it, because I knew that my friends were counting on me to be there. I walked in, saw my dear friends, and pretended to be OK. I broke down a tiny bit, once I relived the nightmare of the blank ultrasound. We got through the shower, and I managed to leave without reliving it again. I knew they would understand.

I went to work Monday through Thursday (crying the whole way on Monday morning). I managed to not say a word to anyone, except to my principal to tell him why I was missing a Friday and a Monday, taking advance sick days. He probably wouldn't have questioned me anyway, but I felt the need to mention what had happened...so as to provide an excuse if he saw me more sad than usual, less talkative, or acting out of the ordinary. I didn't want to be caught in a weak moment by my boss, giving him the opportunity to ask the cliched, "What's wrong," and thus sending me into a tailspin. I wanted the control, so I told him. Which, as you could imagine, was awkward.

I had a meeting for Section 125 (benefits my teacher's union provides at additional cost) on Monday. How ironic, really. The plan the man was trying to sell me was short term disability, where if I were to go on maternity leave and not have enough days, I would start getting a partial paycheck 15 days after my sick days would run out. I would also get a reimbursement for labor/delivery. I don't know why, but I was sold on this plan at an additional $17 per pay. I thought, "Why not?" I had to answer three questions, and the third one was, "Are you currently pregnant?" I had to answer "no." I wasn't. This plan doesn't accept pre-existing conditions, so he told me that I couldn't get "diagnosed as pregnant" before December 1 of this year. Diagnosed? It was a funny way of putting it, I guess. Basically, I can't get pregnant before December 1 in order to reap these benefits. You can read more about getting pregnant again below.

Also, Monday, I was driving home from school, and I passed the Hamilton Town Center in Noblesville. I had this desire to stop in and spend money, so I did. I do suffer/benefit from retail therapy, and I just need to go into Bath & Body Works. It made me feel better, and, you know, for the first time...I will say that I deserved it. I had recently ordered $50 worth of maternity clothes from OldNavy.com, and I knew I would be immediately returning those things...so I might as well replace it with an equal amount of Bath & Body Works, right? 

Luke has had a difficult time this past week. I don't think that guys share this kind of personal information as openly as women do. We decided to send an e-mail to many of our friends, explaining what had happened, since none of them knew of our baby in the first place. We knew we were taking a chance that absolutely no one would write us back, and we would feel even more alone than we already did, but we really had nothing to lose. So, we sent the e-mail and, within hours, we got some BEAUTIFUL, amazing responses that brought tears to our eyes. Luke even received a phone call from a couple of male friends, and this helped him, I think. We got a couple of cards this week from family friends, and we also got some phone calls from family. We feel the grace we have been granted...and we feel the prayers. I also got some beautiful flowers from my friends at school. Everyone was very jealous :-)

Basically, to get to the point of this entry, I had the D & C today. I was scared, and even cried last night for one of the few times all week. It probably didn't help that I was watching Grey's Anatomy and watching people die in surgery. We went in at 7:30 today, and we were home by about 11:30 (including a trip to Meijer for groceries). The nurses and doctor were so amazingly nice. I was very impressed with the whole Community North experience. The operating room did look just like what you see on TV...and it was about 40 degrees in there (maybe not, but it was COLD). I remember talking about teaching, and then I was out. When I woke up, a nice lady was saying my name and taking care of me in recovery. Not long after, I saw my beautiful husband, and we were allowed to go home much quicker than we thought. Again, all the people we have worked with have been just wonderful. 

The doctor explained to Luke that everything went well...there was nothing to be worried about as far as anything long term. So now we are faced with the question, "Where do we go from here?" I have this urge to be pregnant again. However, I am scared to death....scared of this happening again. Everyone I have spoken to and everything I have read says that with only one miscarriage, your risk of having another one is the same as having one in the first place. Everyone says that it is common, and that we will go on to have many babies. I don't know when (or even if) that will happen for us, but I do know that I will be doing everything I can to make myself as healthy as possible the next time around. I want to give this child the best chance to possible to make it in this world. 

I wouldn't say that either one of us are healed, emotionally or physically. I know that it is a process, and we might ever be completely "over it." However, I am choosing to see the silver lining in these clouds, and I know that good days are to come. I also know that my friends and family are wonderfully amazing, and I couldn't have picked a better man to spend the rest of my life with.