Thursday, September 25, 2008

Bittersweet Reflection

I just went back through and re-read several of my blogs from when I knew (or thought) I was pregnant. I use that terminology because right now I am feeling so betrayed by my my own body. I can't believe that our child never made it past the fertilized egg stage...that she wasn't growing each day like we thought...that she wasn't even visible to the human eye the way we thought. It upsets me because when I read back through my posts, I was so excited...I was believing all the signs my body was giving me...the nausea, the cravings, the belly swelling. My body was tricking me. My body was telling me that I was responsible for the growth and development of a child, but in reality, I lost the child a long time prior to seeing that haunting blank ultrasound. Luke talked to my belly...he kissed it. And that was all it belly. Not our baby. 

I met with Lisa and my mom last night. We had dinner, and we talked about how I was feeling about all of this. Lisa has first-hand experience with losing a child, even though she lost Luke #1 after 7 months of pregnancy. I can't even heart can't even wrap around that kind of sorrow. I was a mere 2.5 months pregnant. Lisa had traveled the journey so much longer than me. 

I felt better after talking to my mom and Lisa. Pain shared is pain I am trying to just express my feelings to those who care about me so that they can shoulder some of the pain for me...I don't mean to ruin anyone's day or make anyone feel sorry for me...but I am currently accepting all the prayers and all the sympathy (even better, empathy) I can get. Each person I talk to about this has something new, insightful, and sincere to say. I am learning from the experiences of others, and I am looking, each minute I am awake and even while I am dreaming, to the day when I meet our children face to face. 

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