October 15th

October 15th is the national day to remember pregnancy losses of all kinds. Seeing as how it is just a couple of days away, I find myself with some thoughts and emotions.

With all of the joy surrounding Noelle and the fulfillment she has brought to our lives, I must admit that I don't think about the miscarriage much. I don't know if I have just gradually moved on or if I have just shoved it to the furthest depths of my mind, but either way, I don't wake up thinking about it nor cry myself to sleep the way I used to.

The thought that overwhelms me the most right now is if it ever happened again, I know it would be 10 times harder than before because I know firsthand what having a baby is like....and I would know the ultimate loss so much more than when I had never had children. I am trying not to dwell on the negative....but it darn near killed me the first time around...I can't do it again.

I guess the point is it darn near killed me. It didn't kill me. I am stronger because of it. Our lives are defined not by what happens to us, but how we handle what happens to us.

So-- October 15th...I will remember our first little one who we never got to meet. I will think about all the other couples who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy...which is a loss that is not easily understood by others, as I learned the hard way 2 years ago. Thankfully....we are moving on, together as a family of 3.