This "faith struggle" has become so significant that we have found ourselves truly at a loss. We really just feel kind of like lost children...asking for help anywhere we can get it. We try to "fill our time" with fun things to do and great people to be around, but when we get down to it, we always have to confront this feeling of emptiness and, quite honestly, bitterness in reference to our baby who never came to be.
After visiting with our friend Megan and seeing her newborn son, I felt compelled to go to Borders and buy a book that would somehow speak to me (and Luke) and help us through this situation. I picked up two, one called "God Will Make a Way." This book is about God's presence during all the horrible times in our life, and giving us 8 principles to live by in order to remember that God is with us, and God will find a way. I have read the first chapter, Principle 1, which is about truly beginning your journey with God. It basically says that you have to accept that you are at a place where you need God to take over, and you have to trust that God will take over. This is hard for me because I am a control freak and, in many ways, believe that people create their own destinies. Well, anyway, this chapter also talks about the concept of "faith" and "believing," and how giving the advice of "just have faith" or "just keep believing" is not as helpful as saying, "Believe in God. Have faith in God." Faith and belief are merely "bridges" as the author describes to link us to God. We have to use faith to get to God. Simply "believing" is not good enough.
I am intrigued by this book and have already said many prayers tonight, asking God to open my eyes and take over if He can. The book explains that we did not make ourselves, and we cannot survive on our own. We needed God to come into this world, and we are going to need Him while we are in this world, in the times that are darkest and most humbling.
I am looking forward to reading the next principle tomorrow.