Strength

Whenever I am afraid of something, I try to remember the times when I really surprised myself with my strength or bravery. I typically think of myself as "needy." I need people. I need things. I need noise. I need care. I need love. I need affection. I need appreciation. I need these things in order to feel good about my life. Like it or hate it...it's me. I can't apologize for that. However, I feel pretty awesome when I surprise myself by not being so needy and getting along by myself.

For example...when Luke was doing 24 hour calls and staying at the hospital over night, it felt like a death sentence. I can't stay alone! I can't sleep alone! What if something happens? But I got through it. I locked the doors, said my prayers, and handled it by myself. I didn't need my mom and dad to come down and stay with me. I woke up the next day and everything was fine.

Right after Noelle was born, Luke had to do overnight calls for his OB rotation. The thought of staying alone with our brand new baby girl terrified me. But I did it. Noelle did great, I did great, and I feel 100% stronger as a result of it.

One time, I returned home late from Abe & E's while Luke was gone away camping with friends to find our garage door up. Luke had left it up from when he left earlier that day, and it had stayed open until midnight when I got home. Already scared enough to stay alone that night, I was triple as scared (and PISSED) to go in after the door was up all day/night. What if robbers took all of our stuff? What if someone was in there hiding, waiting to kill me? Can you tell I watch a lot of Law & Order and 48 Hours? Anyway...I was so angry, upset, scared, etc...and I in fact had to drive to Meijer and sit under the parking lights for a few minutes to muster the courage to go in. My only options were to 1) go in...2) go back to Greenfield and stay with Abe & E...3) go to Muncie...4) spend the night in my car at Meijer. I finally got the strength to pull my car in the garage, put the door down, and walk in. Of course there were no lights on in the house because Luke turns everything off...and so I was fumbling around in the dark trying to find the laundry room light. Then I saw Ernie, who looked unharmed and not afraid, so I figured all was well. I went to every room, turned on the light, checked behind the shower curtains and in the closets. I think I slept with every TV and light on in the house, but I made it.

I was afraid of childbirth. I was afraid that I wouldn't do it right...that I would have a c-section, that something would be wrong with the baby. I was afraid of the pain. I was afraid of the unknown. Childbirth is my ultimate trump card. I did it. I delivered Noelle. I pushed for three and a half hours and refused to give up. If I can do that, I can do anything.

So when Luke leaves on July 5th to stay in Lexington until the end of July...I know I can be brave. I know I can be strong. I have done it before. I will do it again.