Of course I am talking about the baby.... :-)
I can't help it...but when I think about it now, somehow I feel calm. I almost feel happy for the time I spent in ignorant bliss...the excitement I felt for 10 weeks. I am thankful...because no matter what happens in this life, I know that for a short while I had my own slice of sweet Heaven...something a large percentage of women never get a chance to have.
I am excited for the future. As summer gets closer, I feel so renewed and alive...so ready for the freedom and careless days...I am ready to see what God has in store for us...
I keep thinking about what Elizabeth told me several weeks ago when I was feeling jealous of some women in my life who announced pregnancies....and she said, "The Lord will provide for you." Such a profound, simple statement to make...it has been said many times before...but it provided me with such peace on the subject...and I really do feel it to be true.
If we all could just remember that....that all we need and want in this life will be given to us if we just follow the path that was made for us...if we listen to ourselves, to God, and to each other...and if we live our days with confidence. Why worry?
This sounds funny coming from me. I worry about robbers and snakes and worms and getting fired and getting in a car accident and the health of my parents and my friends' personal lives...these are all evidence of my many imperfections...and my many issues that still need work...but when it comes to my future with Luke and our futures as parents...I feel it in my bones that all will be well....we will be OK....we will be blessed beyond measure. We truly already are.
When I think of all we have...beautiful home, new-ish cars, nearly perfect health, loving family, outstanding friendships....when I think of all we have done....vacations, college degrees, dream jobs, medical school....I nearly laugh at myself for being so ungrateful at times and so wishful for someone else's life.
So how do you know you're healed? When you have a physical wound...it scabs over, it mends itself, the bruise turns a light greenish color, you can put weight on it again, you can remove the cast, you have a small scar...all are signs that the pain is over. When you have a wound to the heart...how do you know you're healed? Maybe it's when you no longer feel like someone has nearly squeeze the life out of you....maybe it's when you no longer cry when you think about the experience but merely thank God that you came out on the other side...maybe it's when you look to the future without being stuck in the past...maybe it's when you relinquish all control and say "It's out of my hands." Maybe it's when....
We may never know.
BUT...this feeling I have...feels good.