Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Three parts

I now view my life as three parts.

First - all the days before August 11th, the day we found out about the pregnancy. These days include my childhood, my teenage years, my college years, my wild and irresponsible years. These are the days where my biggest worry was how I was going to spend my weekend and my biggest fear was my phone battery dying in the middle of an important conversation. Things were different, as they should have been. I was always looking toward the future, but the future always seemed a ways away.

Second - the past nine months....from the day we got the positive pee stick to the day we were to deliver the baby, had all gone as planned. Yesterday marked that day, and dreaded it since September 12th, when we learned that there would be no baby afterall. However, thanks to some friends who refused to let us be forgotten...thanks to some family who wanted us to know that our hurt was their hurt....thanks to the kind words expressed....we got through the day. We even laughed and didn't spend the day crying. Yesterday, though it was the end of one journey, marked the beginning of another. 

Third - today....forward. This third part of my life is going to be a time for me to put in practice all of the lessons I have learned over the past 9 months. Luke and I have learned how to communicate even the darkest feelings and saddest thoughts. We have witnessed each other at our rock-bottom worst, which will only allow us to worship each other at our God's-honest best. We have fought, we have prayed, we have cried, we have fallen to our knees....and at the end of it all we still have these bands on our fingers. We are so much stronger, so much more mature, so much more aware of each other. 

Aside from my relationship with Luke, the miscarriage really helped me to bring other relationships with certain friends and family members to a deeper level. In the first part of my life, my relationships with others, though satisfying and fulfilling, never put me in a position where I was truly vulnerable and desperately needed the advice, the help, the love of others. 

Not everything was positive, of course. I fear each day when I think about getting pregnant again that I will lose another baby. I fear that my miscarriage was a punishment of some sort, like I deserved it (or rather, didn't deserve to be a mother). I fear that I will see that blank ultrasound playing in my mind until the day I die...and maybe I will. I am jaded a little bit. I might not have the same sparkle in my eyes the 2nd time around...but I suppose that is to be expected when you see the other side.

Things have changed. I have changed. My marriage has changed. My friendships have changed. But this third part of my life is going to be the best yet, and so I say, change is good. 

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