30 Day Shred - Day 5

Another day of Shreddin' down...only 25 more to go! :-)

Actually, today's workout was great. I didn't feel as tired. I felt stronger. I can already notice an improvement in my muscles. I know that the external improvements (i.e. 4 months pregnant-looking belly is gone) will be right around the corner. Noelle slept like an angel while I had my date with Jillian.

It is amazing how inspiring exercise is!

Change!

I really want to redecorate something. I had a lot of fun doing Noelle's room, and now I need to throw my creative energy into something else. I think that I want a new bedding set for our bedroom. I also want to redo our guest bedroom/office. I would like to make it an actual functional room, and it needs a new bedding set as well. It also needs a new paint color. Hmmm. How to make this happen...

A Vent

Parenthood in many ways is everything I thought it would be and nothing I thought it would be, all at the same time. Noelle is 100% perfect. I am obsessed with her. I love buying cute clothes for her. I love holding her. I love talking to her. I love kissing her. I don't love getting up in the middle of the night, but I do it with love because I love her. She's my dream come true.

That said, parenthood is really hard sometimes. It's hard to be alone while Luke is at school. Holding the responsibility of her happiness and well-being for the majority of the day is a lot for me. I get lonely...a lot. I got to Target like 5 times a week. They probably see me on the security cameras and say, "There's that frumpy girl with the baby again. At least she's good for business." I guess when I envisioned the early weeks of Noelle's life, I thought it would be more Luke and me, doing it together. He does what he can, but medical school is a real bitch right now (pardon my language-- don't know how to describe it), and I want to punch it in the face.

I thought this next upcoming year would be different in a lot of ways. I was told by Luke and other med school people that 4th year would be a breeze-- "so easy you will be doing cartwheels off the top of the hospital." Hmmm...yeah, OK. Do we do cartwheels AFTER he spends an entire month away from Noelle and me to do an "away rotation" in a surrounding state just to make his residency application look better? Do we do the cartwheels AFTER he studies for his Step 2 board exam, which he will take in December (hello, stressed out, cranky Luke right before the holidays)? Do we do cartwheels AFTER he spends $1,500 on the aforementioned test? When do we do cartwheels? Because I am really good at them....

Sometimes I feel mislead. Don't get me wrong. I love Noelle SO much. I wouldn't take her away for anything. But I was told that 4th year would be a great year to have a baby because of the relaxed schedule. Hmmm. Yeah, just stamp "gullible" on my forehead and send me on my way.

I am not a loner. I like to be around people. I like to be around my husband, too. I don't like overnight calls. I don't like "away rotations." I don't like hearing, "It won't be like this forever," from him.

I had great visions of taking Noelle to the zoo this summer. Of having picnics together. Of watching her roll over and smile and giggle, together as a family. Of going on walks and jogs together. Of putting her in a little bikini and going swimming together. I guess we won't be doing that the entire month of July (when Luke plans to be away), and we probably won't in June either because he has scheduled a "hard rotation" for that month. Looks like it is Noelle and me against the world, together....and from what I hear, it doesn't get better with residency.

I don't expect pity. I know that I knew what I was getting myself into...and I know this is Luke's dream. I know that physicians have a "good life," but I don't think that people understand the sacrifices that they as well as their families make along the way.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...

30 Day Shred - Day 4

Yes, I took another day off from Shreddin' yesterday. However, I did make it to Zumba, even though Luke and I had to exchange Noelle in the parking lot of Lifestyle Family Fitness. It's hard when you don't have someone you can call who can be there in 5 minutes to watch your kid until the next parent gets home. Oh well. We are figuring out a way to make it all work.

Anyway, Noelle sat in her bouncy seat and half-snoozed/half-played while I had my date with Jillian Michaels. I am starting to get frustrated. I am an instant gratification kind of person, and I guess I am not seeing results as quickly as I would like. I would really like to get jogging again, but I am not comfortable taking Noelle in the jogging stroller yet (if I actually jog) because her head might bounce around (because I run at lightning speed, you know). I never really have time to do it at the gym because I get there right before Zumba and usually have to get right home after. Too bad our damn piece of junk treadmill crapped out in January. That would really help. Oh well. Someday when we are rich (haha, riiiiight), maybe we can buy something NOT from Craigslist.

At this rate, the Shred is becoming more like a 60 Day Shred, but oh well.

Oh well.

30 Day Shred - Day 3

OK, OK, I know. I said I was going to do the Shred for 30 consecutive days. All I have to say about that is...Jillian Michaels must not be a mom. It has been impossible to find the time to do the Shred since Thursday. Friday, I was running around getting things packed to head to New Albany. Saturday and Sunday we were in New Albany and traveling home. Yesterday, Noelle was quite needy and wanting to be held most of the day. I couldn't put her down. I did manage to go to Zumba, so it was not a wasted day of fitness. Today, however, I have jumped back on the wagon.

I have completed 3 days of the Shred. I am trying not to weigh myself every day like I used to, but it is habit. I have set some small goals for myself, knowing that saying "Lost 40 lbs"-- which would be my ultimate end goal-- is too vague. I have set four 10 lb. goals...so we will see where that gets me. I know 90% of it is food, and that kills me, because I love food! I DID discover about 15 frozen bags of veggies in the freezer, so maybe if we attempted to make a dent in those, that would be a step in the right direction. Grrr...

Anyway-- 'nuff said. Day 3 of the Shred is done. (pats self on back)

What a Waste!

Luke and I are two of the most wasteful humans on this earth, and I believe this to be true. We have been known to buy the same thing multiple times even though we have an unopened or half consumed thingymabob at home. We do this a lot with food.

I went through the fridge after we returned home from the store today only to find a number of expired items that had to be thrown out. Luke is notorious for going on a health food kick and exclaiming, "I will only eat fresh, healthy things!" and then he lets those fresh, healthy things rot. At least I can admit that I would prefer a fresh Big Mac instead. Those have a much longer shelf life.

We started looking at expiration dates and found some salad dressing from MARCH 2008. HOLY COW! That was 2 years ago! Sick! Somehow, that salad dressing actually survived our move from our apartment to our house. Don't worry, the dressing safely found its final resting place in the trash, and I vow never to buy something and let it go to waste again.

Meanwhile, while we are buying two of things we don't really need, we neglected to pay attention to the fact that we are out of trash bags. Fail.

Gravida 2

I have been delaying this post. Maybe because I have been "busy." Maybe because I have "forgotten." Maybe because it's all still painful and it's hard to talk about. Ding ding ding, we have a winner!

Two days ago, it was April 13. April 13, 2009 was to be our due date from the first pregnancy. I remember how I dreaded the approach of that day like it would surely be the end of the world. It happened to be the Monday after Easter in 2009, so I remember bawling like a baby during the Easter Mass and just praying that somehow I would be put out of my misery. No such luck. I slapped on a happy face and played "find your hidden Easter basket" in Luke's grandmother's yard like a good girl.

What a difference a year makes.

This year, I spent Easter staring at my sleeping baby girl, praising God for the gift He gave me in Noelle rather than cursing him for what He took away (and we didn't have to hunt for our baskets this year, either). April 13 came and went with little fanfare, though I thought about the child that we never got to meet quite frequently throughout the day.

We always had a feeling the baby was a girl. Was she really, or was "she" a "he?" Would he or she have looked like Noelle? We would have been hosting a first birthday party for the child. It's all pretty crazy to think about.

At my last OB appointment on March 9, Luke looked at my chart on the computer while we were waiting for Dr. Ertel to tell us when we would be induced. He quietly said, "Hmmm. Gravida 2." I said, "What's that mean?"

"Gravida means how many pregnancies you have had."

I realized in that moment that I have actually been pregnant twice. It's not that I didn't know that, but to be quite honest, the miscarriage had been put in the back of my mind once we had good reassurance that "Baby E" was going to make it. We had been so focused on the new baby that we had stopped thinking about the first baby that we unfortunately lost in September 2009. I immediately felt guilty and ashamed.

But, through it all, I have realized that where there is great sorrow, there can be great joy. I have seen that God's promise is true...that He has plans for us, plans not to harm us. I have learned that everything happens for a reason, and it is all part of the plan.

For whatever reason, it wasn't our time to be parents a year ago. I think of it as "Baby Lay-Away." We got our baby...not as quickly as we wanted...and we paid a significant price...but when she was finally ours, she was so worth the wait.