Thursday, April 15, 2010

Gravida 2

I have been delaying this post. Maybe because I have been "busy." Maybe because I have "forgotten." Maybe because it's all still painful and it's hard to talk about. Ding ding ding, we have a winner!

Two days ago, it was April 13. April 13, 2009 was to be our due date from the first pregnancy. I remember how I dreaded the approach of that day like it would surely be the end of the world. It happened to be the Monday after Easter in 2009, so I remember bawling like a baby during the Easter Mass and just praying that somehow I would be put out of my misery. No such luck. I slapped on a happy face and played "find your hidden Easter basket" in Luke's grandmother's yard like a good girl.

What a difference a year makes.

This year, I spent Easter staring at my sleeping baby girl, praising God for the gift He gave me in Noelle rather than cursing him for what He took away (and we didn't have to hunt for our baskets this year, either). April 13 came and went with little fanfare, though I thought about the child that we never got to meet quite frequently throughout the day.

We always had a feeling the baby was a girl. Was she really, or was "she" a "he?" Would he or she have looked like Noelle? We would have been hosting a first birthday party for the child. It's all pretty crazy to think about.

At my last OB appointment on March 9, Luke looked at my chart on the computer while we were waiting for Dr. Ertel to tell us when we would be induced. He quietly said, "Hmmm. Gravida 2." I said, "What's that mean?"

"Gravida means how many pregnancies you have had."

I realized in that moment that I have actually been pregnant twice. It's not that I didn't know that, but to be quite honest, the miscarriage had been put in the back of my mind once we had good reassurance that "Baby E" was going to make it. We had been so focused on the new baby that we had stopped thinking about the first baby that we unfortunately lost in September 2009. I immediately felt guilty and ashamed.

But, through it all, I have realized that where there is great sorrow, there can be great joy. I have seen that God's promise is true...that He has plans for us, plans not to harm us. I have learned that everything happens for a reason, and it is all part of the plan.

For whatever reason, it wasn't our time to be parents a year ago. I think of it as "Baby Lay-Away." We got our baby...not as quickly as we wanted...and we paid a significant price...but when she was finally ours, she was so worth the wait.

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