Parenthood in many ways is everything I thought it would be and nothing I thought it would be, all at the same time. Noelle is 100% perfect. I am obsessed with her. I love buying cute clothes for her. I love holding her. I love talking to her. I love kissing her. I don't love getting up in the middle of the night, but I do it with love because I love her. She's my dream come true.
That said, parenthood is really hard sometimes. It's hard to be alone while Luke is at school. Holding the responsibility of her happiness and well-being for the majority of the day is a lot for me. I get lonely...a lot. I got to Target like 5 times a week. They probably see me on the security cameras and say, "There's that frumpy girl with the baby again. At least she's good for business." I guess when I envisioned the early weeks of Noelle's life, I thought it would be more Luke and me, doing it together. He does what he can, but medical school is a real bitch right now (pardon my language-- don't know how to describe it), and I want to punch it in the face.
I thought this next upcoming year would be different in a lot of ways. I was told by Luke and other med school people that 4th year would be a breeze-- "so easy you will be doing cartwheels off the top of the hospital." Hmmm...yeah, OK. Do we do cartwheels AFTER he spends an entire month away from Noelle and me to do an "away rotation" in a surrounding state just to make his residency application look better? Do we do the cartwheels AFTER he studies for his Step 2 board exam, which he will take in December (hello, stressed out, cranky Luke right before the holidays)? Do we do cartwheels AFTER he spends $1,500 on the aforementioned test? When do we do cartwheels? Because I am really good at them....
Sometimes I feel mislead. Don't get me wrong. I love Noelle SO much. I wouldn't take her away for anything. But I was told that 4th year would be a great year to have a baby because of the relaxed schedule. Hmmm. Yeah, just stamp "gullible" on my forehead and send me on my way.
I am not a loner. I like to be around people. I like to be around my husband, too. I don't like overnight calls. I don't like "away rotations." I don't like hearing, "It won't be like this forever," from him.
I had great visions of taking Noelle to the zoo this summer. Of having picnics together. Of watching her roll over and smile and giggle, together as a family. Of going on walks and jogs together. Of putting her in a little bikini and going swimming together. I guess we won't be doing that the entire month of July (when Luke plans to be away), and we probably won't in June either because he has scheduled a "hard rotation" for that month. Looks like it is Noelle and me against the world, together....and from what I hear, it doesn't get better with residency.
I don't expect pity. I know that I knew what I was getting myself into...and I know this is Luke's dream. I know that physicians have a "good life," but I don't think that people understand the sacrifices that they as well as their families make along the way.
I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...