The High Dive

When I was little, I used to want to jump off the high dive. My family never "belonged" to a pool, but whenever I could hitch a ride to the nearest neighborhood club, I would eye the high dive with much anticipation. It never looked that tall from my beach chair. Surely, I could climb up there by myself and take the plunge. I was always mesmerized by how deep the diving well underneath the board was. The rest of the pool would only reach 5 feet deep, but the diving wells seemed so much deeper and more dangerous. 

I never wanted anyone to watch me. I was afraid of embarrassing myself. I was never a skinny child...and I never could wear the cute, trendy swimsuits like my friends. Mine were usually from the "child plus" section in the specialty JC Penney catalog. 

Somehow, I would muster the courage to walk around to the other side of the pool, stare up at the huge ladder, and place my foot on the first slippery rung. I would take my time climbing up, making sure that no jerk-faced kid was trailing too close behind my...behind. 

When I finally reached the top, I would pause for a second and catch my breath. The change in altitude had a dizzying effect. My feet would wiggle on the sand-papery diving board, and, all of a sudden, I would wave frantically to my mom, friend, or whoever was there to watch me....forgetting all fears of embarrassment and just desperate for someone to witness this immeasurable amount of courage. 

But then, with all eyes on me, I would laugh at myself, say "Who am I kidding?", and turn around and head back down the ladder. Going down was always more difficult than going up. Admitting I wasn't ready...admitting I was out of my element...admitting I had no business being there in the first place....were tough pills to swallow, especially since, at that age, I was still hiding pills in my turkey sandwiches so that I wouldn't have to actually launch them down my throat. 

It's amazing to me that at the age of 25 (almost), I am still standing on that high dive, looking down at the water, contemplating jumping into the next, new exciting adventures in my life...but yet backing myself down the ladder before anybody gets hurt. 

Luke's Birthday

I haven't updated in a while. Sometimes I have so much to say and yet so little all at the same time. I don't know how that is possible, but it is. I don't know who all reads this little blog, but I like to update frequently so as to maintain an accurate record of the happenings of 9428 Haddington....and so I begin....

Luke turned 24 on Saturday! It was just an absolutely beautiful day on Saturday, we enjoyed doing some yard work and being in the sun. I made a field trip to Muncie to get CeCe ready for her senior prom. I crack up when I think about how last year, she wouldn't even touch a pink, sparkly dress, but yet, this year, she was like Barbie Princess on Ice. She looked beautiful...hard to believe I have no more girls to help get ready for dances and formals. Tear. 

I came back to Indy just in time to make our reservation at Buca's with Abe & E for Luke's birthday. We enjoyed good food and great conversation. We made a side trip to Kohl's on the way back and then came back to the house to eat some chocolate cake (that I made, which was DELISH!) This recipe was dubbed as "The Best Chocolate Cake in the World," and I do believe it lived up to its name!

Sunday, the whole Ernstberger clan, including Seth, Liz, and boys, as well as my parents, came to our house to celebrate Luke some more. I swear, we feel so unworthy of the love we receive....it makes us start thinking about all the other birthdays in the family that weren't honored with a family get-together. We feel sad when we think about this, but we also feel inspired to be better and orchestrate family gatherings more often. Everyone deserves to feel as blessed as we do :-) 

We played outside, ate good food, shared stories, caught up on life....it was an awesome day. Any opportunity we get to see our precious nephews, we cherish.

I have been working really hard lately on keeping a positive frame of mind...and a pure heart. Thanks to my sweet friend & sister-in-law, E, I have realized some changes that need to be made in that department. It's one day at a time, one foot in front of the other....and I like where this life is heading. 

On the subject of E, and Abe, they unfortunately experienced the loss of their dog, Hunter...so for you animal lovers out there, send a little prayer their way. 

Alright, here's some photos of the weekend!

Look how beautiful (er....handsome, macho...) Gus is!

Playing with CeCe & E

Gus in the sprinkler

Look at that face!

I took 10000 pictures, waiting for a smile....

Gus dirtying Deohgie's water

Luke's Apple-Cranberry Gorgonzola Salad that looked amazing!

He was quite proud of his work!

Miss CeCe in her beautiful dress

Luke's 2 layer birthday cake with chocolate ganache frosting!

Inspired

I don't know how, but there is just something so inspiring about beautiful spring weather. Maybe it is the potential of a fun-filled summer, the anticipation of consistently pleasant weather, or just the simple fact that nature is in full force, waking up after a slow and sullen winter.

Whatever the reason, I feel inspired today. It was raining for most of the day, but by the time I got home, the drops were gone and the sun was out. Our front door is open and the cool breeze is blowing through the screen. I cooked a great meal (Rachael Ray's Shallot Pasta), and now I have one eye on the TV  because Dancing with the Stars is on, one eye on Luke because he is gorgeously perfect, and one eye on my computer....oh wait, is that three eyes? Scratch that. Life is still good.

I attended my first Indianapolis Zumba class. It was so much fun. The instructor was awesome and the atmosphere was so uplifting! I have attended 2 other classes in Muncie before, but never really got much out of it. This class tonight was almost enough to make me extend my membership! We will see...

I have the ambition to get off the last of this weight (15 more pounds...ugh!) and to truly enjoy my hard work. I also have the ambition to just open my heart and my soul to anything and everything...to be available to any opportunity....to be listening, always.

Just to finish this off, I have 31 school days left! Wahoo!

Claddagh

I have made a goal for Luke and I to go to some Indy restaurants we have never been to before. On my list are St. Elmo Steakhouse, Eagle's Nest, and some other places in my Indianapolis Monthly "Best of Indy" issue. Too often we go to Applebee's, Panera, Wendy's, Olive Garden. While we are young and experimental, we need to venture out more!

We tried the Claddagh Irish Pub off 96th street, which is a chain, but it is one we have never been to before. We went late...it was after 9, so it was more of a bar atmosphere at that point. They had a DJ playing some 80s rock which was good for us, and we sat in the bar area. The tables were a bit uncomfortable because you had to straddle it with your legs since it was made out of a huge barrel. I got the shrimp & chips and Luke got a big turkey club sandwich. I can't complain about my shrimp...beer battered and yummy. The chips (or fries) were a little bland...I would prefered Luke's potato wedges that he got with his sandwich. 

Luke enjoyed a Blue Moon while I had 2 cosmopolitans....which inspired two promotional Absolut Vodka girls to come over and take my picture with my martini because it showed that I was drinking Absolut. It was awkward and I made them swear that the pictures wouldn't be posted on the Internet. They wanted to give me an Absolut Vodka t-shirt, but I kindly explained that I was a teacher and would not have an occasion to wear an alcohol brand t-shirt. 

Anyway, our friend Chris joined us for a beer and we got to catch up on some adult topics like his upcoming wedding, taxes, buying a house, and his law school and Luke's med school studies. We are so adult now! 

All in all, I would return to the Claddagh...maybe with a bigger group of friends for some drinks or on a Sunday afternoon for a nice lunch.

Cherry Blossoms!

With this beautiful spring weather, our cherry blossom tree is getting more and more pretty pink blossoms! I am very excited to see it in full bloom. Here is a picture we took on Monday, when we saw the first bloom on such a symbolic day.

Also, my sweet friend Jenn brought over a framed cherry blossom print that will look beautiful in our home. It is so nice to be thought of and prayed for!

Ode to Craigslist

Luke and I have had a lot of luck on Craigslist over the past couple of years. We first experienced its glory when we were needing a washer and dryer when we bought our house. We could have spent thousands at Lowe's, but instead we spent $150 for a washer and dryer set that have done wonderfully for us over the past year!

We also bought a $40 queen mattress and box springs off Craigslist for our guest room. Our guests lovingly refer to this mattress as "bedrock" because it is quite hard...but hey, it was $40 and it gets used like 5 times a year.

Luke purchased a mountain bike that retails for hundreds for only $15 (and the seller included a bike rack for a car for free!)

Lastly, we coughed up the dough and bought a treadmill last night. It is straight from a private gym and only 3 years old. We are thrilled to have it and to say goodbye to our monthly gym membership fee. For $550, I would say it was a steal!

Less I forget the mirror from our bathroom that I sold all by myself on Craigslist for a whopping $15. Love it!

Three parts

I now view my life as three parts.

First - all the days before August 11th, the day we found out about the pregnancy. These days include my childhood, my teenage years, my college years, my wild and irresponsible years. These are the days where my biggest worry was how I was going to spend my weekend and my biggest fear was my phone battery dying in the middle of an important conversation. Things were different, as they should have been. I was always looking toward the future, but the future always seemed a ways away.

Second - the past nine months....from the day we got the positive pee stick to the day we were to deliver the baby, had all gone as planned. Yesterday marked that day, and dreaded it since September 12th, when we learned that there would be no baby afterall. However, thanks to some friends who refused to let us be forgotten...thanks to some family who wanted us to know that our hurt was their hurt....thanks to the kind words expressed....we got through the day. We even laughed and didn't spend the day crying. Yesterday, though it was the end of one journey, marked the beginning of another. 

Third - today....forward. This third part of my life is going to be a time for me to put in practice all of the lessons I have learned over the past 9 months. Luke and I have learned how to communicate even the darkest feelings and saddest thoughts. We have witnessed each other at our rock-bottom worst, which will only allow us to worship each other at our God's-honest best. We have fought, we have prayed, we have cried, we have fallen to our knees....and at the end of it all we still have these bands on our fingers. We are so much stronger, so much more mature, so much more aware of each other. 

Aside from my relationship with Luke, the miscarriage really helped me to bring other relationships with certain friends and family members to a deeper level. In the first part of my life, my relationships with others, though satisfying and fulfilling, never put me in a position where I was truly vulnerable and desperately needed the advice, the help, the love of others. 

Not everything was positive, of course. I fear each day when I think about getting pregnant again that I will lose another baby. I fear that my miscarriage was a punishment of some sort, like I deserved it (or rather, didn't deserve to be a mother). I fear that I will see that blank ultrasound playing in my mind until the day I die...and maybe I will. I am jaded a little bit. I might not have the same sparkle in my eyes the 2nd time around...but I suppose that is to be expected when you see the other side.

Things have changed. I have changed. My marriage has changed. My friendships have changed. But this third part of my life is going to be the best yet, and so I say, change is good.