Wednesday, March 17, 2010


In one week, everything has changed. One week ago tonight, Luke and I were enjoying a dinner at Olive Garden together, staring at each other in disbelief that our little one would be coming into the world the next day. Now we are here with her, and I find myself flip flopping between being so happy that my heart could burst and so emotional that I could cry for days. I am in such awe of her and the greatness of God that I weep sometimes when I look at her. My heart melts when I see the way Luke looks at her. Holding her is the highlight of my day. She is my dream come true.

I want to be everything she needs. I want to be able to give her a life full of fun memories and happy times. I have an undeniable fear that I won't be good enough. I have flashbacks of the hurtful things I have said to my parents in the past, and my heart already breaks for when Noelle inevitably does the same thing. I understand-- after only 1 week, I understand what my mom meant when she said, "Someday, when you have kids, you will get it...."

I am scared of everything. I want to protect her from the outside world. I can't bear to watch sad shows on TV because my empathetic heart breaks for anyone in pain right now. I hate scary TV shows or watching my usual Dateline, 20/20, 48 Hours Mystery....I can't deal with the thoughts of how nasty the world is in some places. I just wish I could guarantee that no harm would ever come her way, and Luke and I can live to be 200 so we can see every part of her life.

I really hope these emotional times go away soon because I don't want to spend my time thinking of the sad things in life. I want to cherish how wonderful she is and the time we have together. I just can't put into words the immense responsibility we have been given, and I just want to do it right.

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