Monday, February 21, 2011

Untitled (because I thought about it for 10 minutes and couldn't think of one)

Since mid-high school, Luke and I both have been on a set track. We have always had a plan, and we have always done what it takes to follow the plan. Luke has known that he wanted to be a physician as long as I have known him, which is well over 10 years. He knew he wanted to go to IU Bloomington, and he knew he wanted to go to IU Medical School. There was never any guess work...never any major decisions. He has not stopped and wondered for one second, "Where to next?"

My story is pretty similar. I wasn't sold on teaching until my senior year in high school, but after that, I knew it was Ball State for me, study elementary education, and convince Luke to want to marry me upon graduation.

Check. Check. And check.

We always knew this day would come, but surely it would be WAY far in the future, right? Surely we would be, like, close to 30 and old and not care about our lives anymore, right?

Well, we ARE close to 30 (me more so than him, due to my 9 month age "advantage"), and this day that seemed so far in the distance is now looming over us, just asking for a punch in the face. Not sure what I am talking about?

Decision Day for the Residency Match. Wednesday. As in the day after tomorrow. My chest tightened as I reread that last line, and not because it is a grammatical mess.

I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought that Muncie would even be an option for us, let alone an option we would consider choosing. I always thought it would be Indy for us, 100%...that our license plates would read NDORBUST (not really...that would be STUPID).

We l-o-v-e LOVE it here. I am sure I love this city way more than Luke, or way more than what is healthy. I love the shopping. I love the restaurants. I love the parks. I love the events. I love the scenery. I love the buzz of a big city. I love knowing that I have only begun to understand all that the city has to offer us as a family, and I am not ready to leave. I love our home and the memories we have here.

I have reached a point where I am so tired of being on this roller coaster ride...this "Guess what? I love ______________________ program and we are going _______________ for residency," and then hearing the polar opposite the next day. I finally get myself to come to terms with the choice he has made, and then he changes it on me again.

I know that I don't deserve the sympathy in this situation, but we have been in a complete state of anxiety and unsettlement for several months, and it is really taking its toll on me as a person as well as our relationship.

By Wednesday, Luke has to make the decision, and I have told him more than once to just make the choice and tell me which one he chooses...not because I don't care, but because I have reached that level of exasperation. I just want Luke to be happy so that our family can ultimately be happy.

SO-- who knows what state of mind I will be in on Wednesday, but I can only hope for relief and an end to all of the anxiety.

1 comment:

  1. My prayers are with all 3 of you in the next 48 hours. I can just imagine the stress and anxiety and unsettled-ness it's causing! Just know that God DOES have a plan :) Lots of love from Ohio.....