The Strength It Takes.

I am fully aware that I have a large following of readers, similar to that of The Heir to Blair and Harper's Happenings. Wait...no? Never mind, I hallucinated. But, for my 7 official Followers plus my mom, I will go ahead and follow up with a post about the residency decision that was made last night.

I will start this post by thinking about some times I have ever shown my strength in a tough situation. What first comes to mind is going to school, placing a smile on my face, and pretending nothing happened after our miscarriage in 2008. I had a job to do, and I had to quickly understand that I am not the first nor last woman to experience such a loss, and the world won't stop for my devastation.

Next, I think about learning how to stay all night by myself with a brand new baby as Luke worked the overnight call schedule at the hospital. I was terrified to be alone with Noelle, and I was terrified to be alone.

Lastly, I think about bringing Noelle into the world. I think about carrying her for 9 months, nourishing her, protecting her, and then laboring to give her life for many hours. I think about holding her for the first time, and in those brief moments realizing that I am Super Woman for what I just did.

What comes next for us in the future months will also require strength. Putting our lovely first house on the market, scouring our new city for another home, and learning what it will be like to have a husband in residency. Can you guess what decision was made?

It was tough on both of us, and it came down to the wire, but eventually we just had to go with our hearts and our guts. We feel really good about the decision now, but we know that we will face some doubt and criticism not only from ourselves but also from others. I am not sure, honestly, which would have been the easiest decision...staying in Indy or moving to Muncie...both had their strengths and downfalls...but no one ever, ever, ever said this would be easy, and not much of Luke's med school journey has been.

I've already cried. I've already questioned. I've already done the "what the Hell were we thinking" dance in my mind, and the decision hasn't even been final for 24 hours. However, I know that over time I will come to love what we have chosen and embrace the new adventures ahead.

When I think about the nearly 1,480 hours I will have spent in my car simply commuting to work for four years, I realize that many aspects about this choice will make me very happy...especially now that gas is lurking near that $4 mark.

One of my biggest fears is my photography business that I have worked very hard to build. I have well over 30 clients at this point and don't want to lose any of them. I am hoping to continue working in the Indianapolis area and making people happy with my camera. I don't want this move to hinder me in any way. I pray it doesn't, because I am only just beginning.

Ball Memorial is now a division of IU Health, and there are billboards everywhere advertising the name change. On my way to school, there is one that stands tall...white with red letters, simply saying, "The strength it takes." I have looked at it each day for several weeks, and this week it has had a whole new meaning.

So...with the strength it takes to go on after losing a baby...
And with the strength it takes to stay over night alone...
And with the strength it takes to give life to a child...

I will embrace this change, this choice, and turn the page.