Open the flood gates

It only took four days after the decision was made final for me to reach the point of inconsolable. We met with our realtor who walked through our house and made suggestions of all the things we should change in our house to get it ready to be sold. Of course, to us, our house is beautiful and just the way we want it. Definitely not perfect, but we have put a lot of effort into each room in our home. To know that we will have to make some changes to make it more attractive to buyers is overwhelming.

So in the middle of the night last night, when the tornado sirens were sounding and the thunder was shaking the sky and ground simultaneously, I found myself wide awake and full of thoughts. It was a little after 4 a.m. and I decided to just get up, and as soon as my head came off the pillow, the tears started coming down.

What started as a few lonely tears turned into a full on waterworks. I cried until I didn't think I had anymore, and then somewhere in the bottom of my guts I found some more tears to bring to the surface. I couldn't let go of the thought that even though our home might not sell for 6 months or more, we would have to live in it as though it was a museum, and so many changes would be made to it that it wouldn't even feel comfortable to us. I was worried about where Noelle's toys would be kept and how I would find that shirt in storage or if I would ever adjust to our bed being on that wall. Sure...you might say my thoughts drifted a smidge to the irrational side, but I was delirious and sad and tired and to top it off I couldn't make my voice go above a squeak.

Luke woke up and came to comfort me, which was probably a bad idea on his behalf because I then began to unload, as all good wives do. I said things such as...
"Ee made a huge mistake."
"Undo it."
"What were we thinking?"
"I should have just quit my job like everyone told me to and we could have stayed here."

Luke began to get upset, too, and this wasn't one of my prouder moments, but I was literally bawling my eyes out and watching the time tick closer to the time I needed to leave to go to school. I didn't know how I would be able to stop crying long enough to put some mascara on, but I somehow managed to suck it up and get it done. At about that time, I got a call saying we were on delay due to flooding in Delaware County.

I rested on the couch for a little bit until I got another call, saying we were closed. Great. Day before ISTEP. Closed. Ridiculous.

But...as much as we needed to be in school today....I am happy I had a day to recover from the horrible night and morning. Luke and I have decided that we don't have to do everything that was suggested to change the house, and that it is still our house until someone else takes over the payments, so we have a right to live there and be happy.

I have allowed myself to grieve...and to be upset and say mean things...and now it's time to move forward.